It’s been a lifelong struggle to get to the point where I can say that I love myself. I was abused in childhood, which resulted in shame and self-loathing. I struggled with depression from at least the age of ten straight through to forty. I tried different self-help books, talk therapy, medications, and some alternative stuff, too.
I can’t point to one particular moment or event that clicked for me… there has been progressive improvement along the way. I guess it started when I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of, because I was an innocent kid and some slimeball (I could use much stronger language) took advantage of my trust and treated me like trash. That allowed my to accept myself.
I learned to let go of the past and accept responsibility for the actions I’ve chosen as an adult—most of which were based on my old, distorted thought process. So now I have to right some wrongs I’ve done—mostly to myself, and that has been the toughest hurdle, because in the process of trying to lose 50+ lbs. or trying to dig out from under a decade’s worth of clutter, it’s too easy to get caught up in the old familiar cycle of beating myself up mentally for allowing it to get this way in the first place.
But what has proven to me that I actually do love myself has been my most recent relationship. It started in a whirwind, which actually helped me see myself as loveable for the first time. But as we encountered adversity, I didn’t get distraught or act desperate the way I had in previous relationships. I made mistakes along the way – many of which were the result if some deep-rooted insecurities that resurfaced based on things he said and did, but all-in-all, I came through it with a sense of dignity that I never had before. Sadly, it looks like the relationship is over; but it helped me learn some valuable lessons and truly tested my patience and my ability to love unconditionally.
About a year ago, I was on another social site, and someone made a post about loneliness. It was during a time when that most recent relationship was “off again”, and yet I realized that I didn’t feel lonely! That was a true revelation, because until a few months before, I ALWAYS felt a pit of loneliness… even when in the arms of someone I loved. And I hadn’t noticed until that moment that the pit is full… I am complete. I no longer feel a longing for something outside of myself to rescue me. I never could have imagined that I would feel this way, and it’s wonderful.