General Question

Lovelocke's avatar

My girlfriend is wearing me out. Break up?

Asked by Lovelocke (1609points) March 23rd, 2009
24 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

It’s difficult. Going out for over two years, she makes me happy, I love to see her smile, but it takes virtually nothing to anger her and then she’s mad at me for a week or so at a time. This past weekend, she punched me on the arm for something she didn’t understand (An ice cream lady rudely cut my g/f off while she was asking for her order by holding out her hand and saying “just the ticket please”. I looked at the ice cream lady and said (out loud) “Just give her the ticket, she’s not interested in actually helping you.” My girlfriend turned and punched me and said “I don’t wanna feel stupid twice.”)

After that, she was real snippy. If I tried to draw her interest towards anything at all, she didn’t care. Eventually she turned and walked away from me… choosing to walk home instead of allowing me to drive her there.

I spent about 3 hours on the phone with her just now, and she is 100% convinced it is all my own fault… and that “I forced her to walk home”. While I was still there, I called her to tell her where I was… she didn’t come. I called to tell her I was by the car, she just said “If you want to leave then just leave.” I called her mom and left a voicemail, that she pretty much sent me home and she needs someone to pick her up… I even called Dad because I didn’t really know how to handle the situation.

Anyway, even though I had explained everything, it wasn’t good enough… she wanted me to apologize… for what? For leaving her there. “If you would have given me some time I would have calmed down and come back”... to which I said “Are you still mad now?”


“Well, then how could you expect me to wait in the parking lot for over 24 hours before you decided to come get in the car?”

It’s like arguing in circles… and just now, well, I very calmly reminded her “We’ve had senseless fights like this before and we’ve always forgiven each other. Are you sure this isn’t something you just wanna put to rest? And if not, 10 minutes from now, are you going to regret it?”

Her way of dodging responsibility is by saying “You do whatever you want… I can’t stop you.”

I told her 60 seconds to think nice and clearly about what you want. She just continued to smart off… so I hung up on her.

Part of me says “It’s been a long time coming”... but then of course, the part of me that believes love conquers most everything says “to give her some more time”. I don’t know… it seems like warning a person, pleading with a person, trying to reason with someone and finally begging them to come to their senses in a single conversation is pretty much everything I could do… maybe it’s time?

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A_Beaverhausen's avatar

dont drag it out, if you love her, let her go

marinelife's avatar

Folks who rewrite history and blame others for the consequences of their actions do not improve over time.

Are you really happy dealing with all these senseless arguments?

I think life is too short.

I know when you care for someone, it is painful. Take care.

SuperMouse's avatar

I haven’t even read the question, I just have to say… It is good to see you back Lovelocke!!

Modified to Add: It sounds to me like it is time to sit down with this little lady and have a long talk. Maybe she can shed some light on why she is behaving the way she is and maybe you can get a gauge of where you both stand in this relationship. Judging by her behavior she is definitely unhappy about something, the question that needs to be answered is why she is unhappy. Is it you and the relationship she is unhappy about or is there something else. You need to decide together where you will go from here.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Yes, it’s time. It sounds like something fundamental changed in her, but didn’t change in you. She may make you happy, but perhaps you don’t make her happy, and it’s spilling out.

augustlan's avatar

Run away, run away! Life is too short for so much drama.

DrBill's avatar

You know what she’s like, do you want to marry her, or not?

tinyfaery's avatar

Don’t end a two year relationship because of one fight and/or while you are angry. But, it does sound like you two have fundamental communication problems. If you two can sit and talk rationally about problems and work together to find solutions then do so. If you two cannot seem to hear each others concerns and difficulties, it might be time to consider other options.

Blondesjon's avatar

You don’t want to hear this but she is either seeing someone else or getting ready to. She is trying to get you to break up with her and just playing with you now in case this new someone doesn’t pan out. Instead of playing her game with a bunch of three hour phone calls and pleading and warning, break it off.

If you break it off and stick to it (no phone calls, texts, or email) she will at least see that you’re not her little bitch. She will either try to work things out with you or go her own way.(Which I think is with someone else.) Either way you get to keep a little self-respect.

basp's avatar

Since you seem to be so emotionally invested, and you are several years into this relationship, you may want to consider taking a break for a while.

Talk to her…. Think about how you feel and what you need in a relationship.

Time apart can give you both the perspective you need to sort things out.

3or4monsters's avatar

@Blondesjon that was my first impression as well… that she is being mean and/or crazy (out of character) to motivate the guy to break up with her. I have a cowardly friend that used to do that all the time because he couldn’t “man up” and face his girlfriends during a breakup. So frustrating to watch, must be 10x worse to experience.

chyna's avatar

@lovelocke I, too, am glad to see you back.
I do think maybe time apart is the answer here. Maybe take a few days of not talking at all and then agreeing to a day to come back and talk it out. Be prepared for her to say she isn’t commited to the relationship though.

basp's avatar

I was thinking more like a couple of weeks to a month apart…...

Jeruba's avatar

@Lovelocke, dear, here is my suggestion for you:

1. Read over your question, pretending it was written by someone else.
2. Reread your subject line.
3. Go look in the mirror.

chyna's avatar

@basp A few weeks couldn’t hurt. It doesn’t sound like much good is going on right now…

cak's avatar

I’m very curious as to what her Dad had to say about leaving her there, alone.

At the very least, I would recommend what @chyna said, it might be time for a break. There also might be some truth to @Blondesjon‘s idea, as well. If she is picking fights or turning small things into a constant battle, she could have moved on, emotionally, already. It’s easier for her to make you out to be the bad guy than to actually have to confront any issues.

I would try, if I was you, to talk to her rationally about the situation and explain to her that you don’t want to continue all the drama and ask her what she wants. Do not settle for the “do whatever you want” line. It’s a cop out. She is not truly answering you with that line.

If she has always been this easy to anger, it may just be how she deals with her anger and it may not change. Just keep in mind that if you do stay together, don’t think that you can fix her, it never works.

cak (15863points)“Great Answer” (2points)
alive's avatar

ha! this girl sounds like a trip. but if you love her for being crazy…

if it was me, i would give her the cooling off period that she needs and then have a serious relationship talk. you need to be explicit about what you are feeling. be explicit that her tantrums are exhausting (but don’t say “you do x” say something more like “i want to be in a healthy relationship with you but i feel like you are pushing me really hard, and it is exhasting and i might break…”)

also be explicit that you might want to break up. if someone said to me “60 seconds to think nice and clearly about what you want.” I would not take that as a hint that you want to break up, i would probably feel like you were belittling me and treating me like a child.

if you have been together for 2 years now i have to say that your actions probably are encouraging or enabling this type of behavior. so ask yourself what role you play in the problem and what you can do to improve the situation as well. it is not all her fault, and it is not all your fault.

May2689's avatar

It sounds like shes tired too.. but shes too afraid to tell you… maybe you can just take the first step and ask for a break??

swimswimswim's avatar

ha sounds like i used to date the exact same girl

dynamicduo's avatar

All the time in the world won’t solve these underlying issues, which include her lack of taking responsibility for her own actions.

I advise having a mutual break, if you are not wanting to have a full breakup now.

qashqai's avatar

Once I was with this kind of “I get angry for the most stupid reason and I am going to ruin my life and yours as well for that” type of girlfriend.

I tolerated her drama twice.

Well, yes. I was too patient.

You have the right to ruin your life by yourself. Don’t let anyone else take your place.

ronski's avatar

I don’t really understand the beginning of the story about the ice cream lady…

Whatever the story involves, it seems like you are having big communication problems, which I think if someone makes you happy, can be solved…

A break might be good for both of you to really reflect on your relationship. I wouldn’t just break up with someone though if I loved them, unless I was out of love with them and didn’t think I could work it out. I don’t think that’s the best advice.

What I thought was interesting was that you said, “she punched me in the arm for something she didn’t understand.” Maybe the problem is that you think she doesn’t understand things, and if you think she doesn’t understand things, than you probably aren’t understanding things as well.

I kind of understand where she’s coming from. Someone is being non-communicative here. Is it you, her, or both of you? It seems like if she has a problem, you would rather ignore it than talk about it (classic) which will only piss her off more. So, maybe you could come to an agreement where if something bothers her or vice versa, you guys wait until you get home to talk about reasonably. You will also have time to reflect.

It didn’t really sound like either of you were trying to resolve any kind of problem.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

In going back and re-reading the question after thinking about it, I’m wondering if the problem lies with a fundamental difference in perspective.

What if your girlfriend didn’t find the ice cream lady’s behavior rude, but rather found your reaction to her to be rude and embarrassing? Especially since you ordered your girlfriend to “just give her the ticket.” as if she couldn’t manage the social exchange of getting ice cream on her own.

So I have to ask, is this example also typical of your relationship dynamics? Because if it is, quite frankly, if I wouldn’t get in the car with you either after being treated like that in public. Or speak to you ever again, because as bad as breaking up would make me feel, staying in a relationship with you would make me feel worse. About myself.

BBQsomeCows's avatar

It’s apparently already over.

You are currently deceiving yourself.

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