General Question

TheIowaCynic's avatar

Why do women generally go for, and stick with, hyper-aggressive jerks?

Asked by TheIowaCynic (582points) March 28th, 2009
19 responses
“Great Question” (4points)
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willbrawn's avatar

im just guessing on this one: perhaps thats how their father was. And what you grow up with you sometimes become.

willbrawn's avatar

are you the nice guy? I was too, all will work out for you.

TheIowaCynic's avatar

@willbrawn I probably do not generally get the title “nice guy.” In fact, I’ve noticed that the more dismissive and “tough guy” I am with a girl, the more she likes me. Women forgive over-aggressiveness. They never forgive weakness or neediness

xenializ's avatar

For one, the jerks are more aggressive in their pursuit, and they can clothe this pursuit in sheep’s clothing—so the woman doesn’t see it until she’s already fallen for the man. Once she’s fallen, it is much more difficult for her to see what he’s really like.

I also think nice guys seem too good to be true—for me, in my younger years, it was much easier to accept someone who would be a jerk (I didn’t see myself as completely worthy of a nice guy, what with all my flaws). How could a nice guy be interested (really) in me? I think those were some of my subconscious thoughts.

Now I’ve got a nice one, though. It just took time and experience.

VzzBzz's avatar

Woman are attracted to confidence. Arrogance and agressiveness get mistaken for confidence. Everyone has their own tolerance level and exceptions.

Example: my man is super smart, super successful, loves me to death, cares for me well but he’s a jerk to 90% of other people. What to do?

cookieman's avatar

I think it boils down to maturity.

In my experience, a mature woman who knows herself and is confident, will gravitate toward the mature nice guy.

As xenializ said, “it takes time and experience” to realize this.

resmc's avatar

Not that i should generalize my own observations to being the norm, but i’ve seen more of a problem in the “Nice Guys” (tm)* who resent women for not wanting to date them, than in straight women going for overt jerks. Both are jerks.

* Note, this is to contrast with truly nice guys.

Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

@xenializ—I feel the same way you do. How could a nice guy care for me with my tainted past and flaws? Doesn’t he deserve someone better than that?

I recently started dating someone and am scared shitless that he will leave as he discovers some of my flaws and history.

Maybe some girls really don’t believe they deserve a nice guy. Isn’t that sad? I’m trying to be mature and learn to value myself so that I can allow others to also see the value in me.

cwilbur's avatar

Healthy, well-adjusted women settle down with healthy, well-adjusted men. Sometimes it takes a few stupid relationship mistakes before they get there.

If you really are a healthy, well-adjusted man, be patient. If you aren’t, attend to your flaws, and be patient.

Lefty_the_space_monkey's avatar


I’ve noticed a lot of “Why don’t those stupid bitches like nice guys like me!?” too.

That being said, I actually am a nice guy who women don’t seem to want to date.

But it’s not because I’m nice, it’s because of other faults I have (specifically, trouble talking to people, and generally being introverted).

I don’t think that many of the people who think they are avoided specifically because of being nice are actually all that nice.

TheIowaCynic's avatar

@Lefty_the_space_monkey that’s a very thoughtful and interesting response.

3or4monsters's avatar

Hey! I’m the hyper-aggressive jerk in this relatoinship! >:(

More serious, and to the point—I think some women prefer that personality type because while they might be dicks to the rest of the world, some of them treat their partners well, and it makes their partners feel protected to have a jackal ready to defend them? It’s hard to say… like I said, I’m usually the asshole, but my partner is a nice guy who softens my edges and talks me down when I’m getting out of hand. He’s the one that’s normally right.

I think some women hope for the jackal protector (O the torch of feminism gets passed, and some of us just sit there looking at it instead of running like the wind), but often the guy treats them like shit too, and it’s time to move on and look for another. Sometimes the woman is as much of a bitch and they’re a perfect set of bookends… who knows, really? It seems to be a different story for each pairing, as similar as it may seem from the outside.

Facade's avatar

couldn’t tell you. i never had that problem.

Lefty_the_space_monkey's avatar


Wow, um, huh.

Thanks, Steve.

aprilsimnel's avatar

People are attracted to whatever it is they feel they need in themselves, I think. Perhaps women who go for aggressive jerks need more confidence in themselves and could be more assertive in their own lives, but until they figure that out, they’re going to go for someone who makes up for their lack.

I’ve never gone out with men like that, myself. Those types of men scare me.

cak's avatar

Marriage number one, bad marriage. I married the guy you are talking about.

This marriage, I married a man, not a child. Not someone that needed to act that way. I married someone comfortable in his own skin – and I love him for that…no games.

I think @VzzBzz hit it on the head. Women love a confident man, but can confuse the two – arrogance and confidence.

cak (15863points)“Great Answer” (0points)
xenializ's avatar

they can all find time to cheat—even if it’s in his mind.

resmc's avatar

@VzzBzz & @cak Any suggestions about discerning confidence from arrogance?

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