I’ve thought about this recently. Even in various answers I’ve given on this site, I’ve said, “Oh yes, I loved this guy!” Now I’m not so sure. Never having learned to love myself until very recently, I feel it’s probably more honest to say that I haven’t ever been “in love”. Crushes and infatuation and limerance, yes. Love? Real love? No. I’ve been simultaneously too self-absorbed and too worried about what my bf’s thought of me and worried about when they were going to abandon me to be in a place of true generosity and giving myself over to actually loving someone like that.
I know the adults in my life were only trying to spare me heartbreak by telling me things like, “Men like a challenge. Don’t let your kindness be taken for weakness, or he’ll just use you. The moment you tell a man you love him, he knows he’s got you and he’s won. Men never stick around; they can’t help it. They always cheat”, but what do adults honestly expect to come out of such teachings? I “learned” that I can’t trust anyone and that all men would be out to use me. I treated all my bf’s as though what I was taught was true. Who’s going to put up with someone not trusting them and who’s waiting to be dumped? Ergo, I have no partner now.
When I think of all the decent men I turned away, refused to accept dates from or sabotaged relationships with because I was afraid of being slept with and abandoned… I feel sick. Sure, that’s all some men wanted. But I now realize there were quite a few over the years that I was interested in but scared of, who honestly liked me for reasons other than just having a pretty face and a warm body. I never gave them a chance. :’(
So, yeah, even if my heart would’ve gotten broken, I should’ve let relationships happen and go to their natural end instead of running away or forcing a guy’s hand to dump me. I got hurt anyway, but I did it to myself. I know this is long, but if one person out there reads this and is scared right now of being in a relationship, don’t be scared! Get out there and meet someone!