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Lovelocke's avatar

After a 2 Year Relationship Ends, is it wrong to throw everything away?

Asked by Lovelocke (1609points) June 8th, 2009
14 responses
“Great Question” (3points)

It’s just “one of those things”. When I met her she was a very defensive person, always trying not to upset people at the cost of her own discomfort. In our time together, she told me I have built up her confidence in herself so much that she feels ready to “at last” try to undertake a personal journey to connect with herself.

She’s had a tough life, tougher than most would know… and having been at the point she’s at now in the past, I understand how important it is to one’s life. The fact she felt she had to go alone to do it really drove home the point how much self-discovery means to her right now.

All I could do was clear any dirty laundry we had between us, say goodbye, and wish her good luck.

—-AND NOW THE QUESTION—-
My usual way of getting over someone in the past has been to take everything they’ve given me, all pictures of us together and throw it all out. Act as if it never happened: But those relationships ended with them cheating on me, or being very misleading to the point of damaging my heart/mind/soul… this time? That’s not the case. A month ago we were talking about moving in together, getting promise rings, I was ready to make the jump for real… we have so much fun together, and so many things we did in our day-to-day reminded us of one another… even my family warmly welcomed and accepted her and us as an item: Something they were kind of skeptical of with other girls came easily for her.

I have our stuff in a small bin right now: Birthday cards, anniversary cards, photos, and perhaps most notably, a photo cube she made of us for Christmas: Inside containing hundreds of movie ticket stubs that we’ve seen together, going all the way back to our first movie… a midnight screening of Grindhouse.

I want to get rid of it so I can sleep again, so my stomach will stop bubbling, so I can eat something, but every time I lean in to grab the bag and take it to the big trash can, my hand locks, I begin to cry and I lay down and want to call her, e-mail her, beg her to come back: But that’s unfair to her and her goals in life right now… it would be selfish, and I know that.

She said that “she won’t throw anything away”... but does that make it “okay” if I do? I almost convinced myself to do it by saying “and should she come back someday, we can simply start over again.”

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Answers

casheroo's avatar

If you feel the need to, then throw it out.

After seeing similar questions like this on Fluther, I feel like the minority who believe throwing things out means you still care. I don’t view keeping things from the past as a bad thing, I view it as keeping a part of your life. Throwing it all out denies that it even happened. Just strange, in my opinion.

benseven's avatar

I am really sorry to hear about this, and all I can say is you’re an incredible person to be able to let her go if it’s best for her – love is selfless, as are you.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I don’t think it would be “wrong” to throw it out. You need to do what you need to do. Sorry you’re going through this rough time. I hope things look up soon. <3

CMaz's avatar

When you are ready, you will throw it all out. And, if there is something you wish to keep, some special memory. Cool… But, if any of it is your way to hang on to something, something THAT IS gone. It is not going to help you move forward

nikipedia's avatar

Man, just reading this was heartbreaking.

It sounds like you can’t get rid of it because you haven’t given up hope you’ll get back together. I think maybe you need to deal with that part, and then the getting rid of stuff part will sort itself out.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Keep the photos if you want. Photos are always a good thing to keep because it reminds you of where you’ve been. Put those away for now if you decide to keep them.

Ditch the other sentimental objects. You don’t need to carry your past around with you.

Aethelwine's avatar

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. If you are not sure about getting rid of these things it wouldn’t hurt to hold onto them for a while longer. I’m all for throwing things out myself, but it sounds like you might regret it at the moment. Wait until you are truly ready.

hondagirrlx's avatar

Dont throw them away until you are absolutely ready to, and you will know in your heart when that time is. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Times like these seem so long and unbearable. A few months after a three and a half year relationship ended I finally got the balls to throw away most of our stuff that I was holding on too. I still hold on to a few things in a shoe box tucked away in the closet… just because I like to look at the old pictures and concert tickets.. as sad as it was it still brings a bittersweet smile to my face when I see them. Anyway, I hope that helps you :)

cwilbur's avatar

The two questions you need to answer for yourself before you do anything:

Will getting rid of all this stuff help you find closure for this relationship?

If you throw it all out now, will you regret it six months down the line?

Jeruba's avatar

If you get rid of it, you can’t undo the act. If you don’t, you can always do it later.

Put everything in a storage box. Close the box. Tape it shut. Label it with the date. Just the date. You’ll remember.

Put it in the back of the bottom of a closet, or up on a high shelf, or in the basement, where you won’t see it all the time. Get on with your life. Close her door to your heart and change the locks. But don’t brick it up and seal it with mortar. You may want to open it again one day.

The day may come when you greet that box again with tears and a happy smile. Or you may find that you can put it out for collection without ever opening it again. You don’t have to decide that right now. You just have to move on as she has done. She is lucky that you cared enough to help her do what she needed to do.

Darwin's avatar

I go with @Jeruba ‘s suggestion. Put it all in a box and stash it where you won’t run into it unless you are specifically looking for it, and then go on about your life. Some day, maybe years down the road, you will either pitch it without looking in it or be glad you kept it.

YARNLADY's avatar

One thing you could do is to box it all up and send it back to her. that way you won’t have to decide.

essieness's avatar

I think if it helps you get over her, then do it. I got divorced last year and I’ve held on to my wedding ring and all of our pictures. I haven’t really gotten rid of that much that we had together, but I have changed my living situation so that helps. If you’re afraid of getting rid of the stuff forever, you might just try boxing it up where it’s out of sight. Or like @YARNLADY said, box it and send it back to her. I know for me, sometimes I like looking at the things that remind me of my marriage. Not because I miss him or the marriage, but just because it was a huge chapter of my life. To dismiss it and act like it never happened would be even more difficult.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but with time, I promise it will get better.

SuperMouse's avatar

My heart goes out to you Lovelocke. I like Jeruba’s of packing it up and putting it away for awhile. Maybe you could give it to a trusted friend to watch over for you.

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