Twice in my life before the age of 8, I was almost murdered. At 11, I indiscriminately swallowed a few bottles of pills from the bathroom cabinet and lay on the kitchen floor to die, that’s how fed up I was with my life. Fortunately, the pills back came up and I just felt ill for a couple of days. And what do you know, I survived my bad childhood.
I have people who consider me a beloved daughter, sister and friend. I give and receive support. It starts with what we think, I’m learning. I have to relearn this lesson every moment, no lie. I have been used to believing my thoughts: “I’ll always have a shitty job.” “I’ll never find a partner.” “I’ll always be fat.” “No one loves me and everyone is judging me all the time.” “I am not as good as other people.” And when we keep believing such thoughts, in essence filling ourselves up with trash, what do we expect to happen? It rots away inside us. Take out the trash.
Be present. Start small with being present, and realize that what we’re worrying about has no place in the moment. Those worries aren’t even us. It’s not what we’re used to doing, but we can give it a try. Once we learn to be grateful in the moment, things will change in our lives. Believe me, this is a new mode for me and I’ve had to pick myself up again and again. There are moments when my ego is screaming in anger over it. But I’m tired of being upset about my past, thinking that it defines me and worrying about my future all the time. No good can come of it.
Separate yourself from the thoughts that say “I don’t want to/can’t go on.” You can observe them like you can observe yourself washing your hands. Those thoughts are only thoughts. They are not you.