just let it go and refuse to let what they did affect your relationship. It does get alot harder when the other party isn’t apologetic though.

can you tell us more info about what happened? it might help

My question is not for a specific case , just general curiosity of mine that I am thinking about.

move on, but don’t forgive them.

I forgive someone who is not apologetic because otherwise the only one suffering with anger and frustration would be me. Holding grudges is unhealthy.

I just say to myself “This person doesn’t know what they are doing. They are not concerned, and neither shall I be.”

Sort of as @bluu said, feel sorry for them.

It does not matter if they are sorry or not; forgiveness is for YOU, not them. I’m with Bluu.

Why would you? You don’t have to hold on to a grudge and be bitter about it or anything, but why excuse someone who isn’t sorry?

@MacBean i agree. that was a much more eloquent way to say what i meant!

Not forgiving is holding a grudge… even if it’s not always on your mind.

@MacBean forgiveness isn’t excusing a wrong but refusing to let a wrong interfere with the relationship

It is apparent that many people do not understand what forgiveness is and is not. Among other things, it is NOT condoning, excusing, absolution, forgetting a wrong, and (most important) a sign of weakness. It IS letting go of our NEED for grudges and resentments, no longer needing to punish them, accepting that punishing them will not heal US, and moving on. Forgiveness is not for the weak, it takes great strength and courage. Check out “Forgiveness- How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on With Your Life” by Simon and Simon.

Forgiveness isn’t about saying “I’m ok with what you did”. Forgiveness is about saying “I’m not going to carry around what you did for the rest of my life”.

The whole forgiveness process is a very personal & sometimes tuff one – lack of forgiveness has been linked to all sorts of ailments in our bodies as well. One thing that has helped me more than anything else is a book by Colin Tipping by called “Radical Forgiveness” & I’m so excited this guy is finally on Twitter & has started a facebook fan group. His book really helped me with regards to dealing with forgiveness.

Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry for what they did is difficult. You must accept that what they did was in character with who they are, and you didn’t recognize that at first, or in anticipation that they will one day realize they did something wrong.
Good for you.

Tie their hands behind their back, dig a hole, bury them up to their neck. Pack the soil down really well so they can’t wriggle out, pour honey over their head and wait for the ants to show up. They will be sorry soon enough, trust me. ~

@BluRhino @The_Compassionate_Heretic maybe that is what “forgiveness” is to you. but you cannot define forgiveness in absolutes (i.e. saying “forgiveness is” or “forgiveness isn’t”).

it is perfectly possible to move on with out “forgiving”

I don’t bother, I move them to periphery of my attention or completely out of my life.
Why waste your efforts when there are positive people to tend to?

I guess I have it easy in that department. People always apologize to me sooner or later. The ones who don’t always end up having some kind of unfortunate accident not long after.
I could name quite a few examples of similar cases, but to mention one.. I’d say the time I went to co-host this party with one of my high school buddies. It was actually his little sister’s cast party for a drama class she was in. To my surprise, there were a few people I knew in her class. People I hung out with all the time when I was still going to that school. One was this guy John. We were pretty good buds, and it had only been about a year. So I figured I’d say hello, maybe do some catching up, play some pool or something. He blew me off, pretended he didn’t know me.
I found out from the other host a week later that he got hit by a car and died after leaving the party. =/

You do it for yourself instead of for them. It hurts you to carry around that stress and anger, not them. Free yourself from the burden. That doesn’t mean you have to forget – don’t allow them the opportunity to put you in this spot again.

I have addressed this in a previous related question. The relative who molested me admits to doing it, but makes up excuses and won’t accept responsibility. I know that he knew better even back then, but I accept that he is incapable of carrying the burden of guilt, and so I forgive him for being weak.

The same goes to my mother who remained blissfully ignorant that her kids were miserable and practically suicidal before puberty even hit. As a mother, I know when something is bothering my son… but I forgive her for performing a biological function even though she was incapable of handling the job that follows it, and for also being too weak to handle the guilt of accepting accountability.

That being said, I have nothing to do with my perpetrator. I do deal with my mother, but have progressively backed away and in time plan to cut ties.

Just do, then move on to more deserving people of your forgiveness.

I like how this site puts it so much that I will just quote:

“In general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present….Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.”

And apparently forgiving has positive health benefits, including:

* Lower blood pressure
* Stress reduction
* Less hostility
* Better anger management skills
* Lower heart rate
* Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
* Fewer depression symptoms
* Fewer anxiety symptoms
* Reduction in chronic pain
* More friendships
* Healthier relationships
* Greater religious or spiritual well-being
* Improved psychological well-being

This link takes you to all the other questions on Fluther relating to forgiveness

Like the tenents of manhood, wherein young boys are taught to be emotionally confined little robots, most people are also taught misconceptions and myths about forgiveness, (like it has to be earned or deserved) So it is typically misapplied, or not applied at all, since it is much easier to carry a grudge for life than it is to let it go (???). No wonder there is so little of it around.

I will just forgive him/her even if it’s for my own sake only. Pray blessings over that person. I know it will be difficult but worth it. If you don’t, it will haunt you every day. According to the Bible; “what you sow you will reap”, and you can be sure, that person will reap the sowing of the wrong doing. Maybe not now, but someday. It’s difficult, but for your own sake, let it go!