I could only read a couple of paragraphs. First of all, the first sentence is cliched (it was a dark and stormy night) and doesn’t really make me want to read more. You have to hit me hard right at the beginning. You have ten seconds to get me. Second, the language is overwrought and stolid. It sounds like you’re trying. It isn’t very natural. Felt like I was reading some classroom assignment by a middle schooler. Ok, maybe a horny high schooler (just randomly checked some other paragraphs).
Look, I know I’m being Simon Cowelesque, but shit. You asked, and I hate having my time wasted. And it’s so much fun to rip into something.
Writing is hard, and writing fiction is even harder (just made that up). Don’t be discouraged. Just lean something and try again. For this, I suspect you need to figure out where the story really starts. I think a lot of your opening description is wasted, and stops the reader from going on. It doesn’t show much of an interesting eye for detail, nor any great facility with language.
Think about it. Read it again. Then cut out all the shit at the beginning and start where the story really starts, and I’ll take a look at it again. If you want me to. ;-)