its not accceptable it’s stupid its just insecurity. don’t know how relationships like that last

It’s not “socially acceptable”. It’s acceptable to the participants of the relationship. Every relationship is different. For some guys and women, it’s okay. For others, it’s not.

first of all, yay for cash cab!

I’ve noticed that too. Maybe it’s because there’s not as many abusive women as there are men? Don’t quote me on that, but that might be why. Even if it isn’t necessarily true, it might be because women are the weaker sex, apparently, so they get leeway in this one area. It depends on the relationship and the people, ultimately.

I hate double standards – they’re so confusing.

I’ve only seen this happen a few times, but it’s one of the most insane double standards. I think it has something to do with the social hierarchy that most people associate with the genders – i.e. that the male is dominant and the female is submissive, especially physically. Therefore, because the male is in “real” control, this is a way for the female to gain some sort of secondary power. The female thinks this is ok (and the male acquiesces) because she (and he) knows he’s in “real” control.

Of course this is all bullshit and I agree with you that it’s ridiculous. When my male friends date controlling women like this I tell them that I wouldn’t accept it from a female friend’s boyfriend, and he shouldn’t accept it either.

@all: Okay, let’s replace “socially acceptable” with “common”

@fireinthepriory and @troubleinharlem: I think you both hit it on the nose. Since men are seen as being the real leaders in the relationship, it’s okay for women to take control in the “small” ways.

How can you be a partner with someone if you parent them?

Partners do not forbid one another to do anything. Partners respect and trust one another.

My ex totally ruined every friendship I had with other women. I regret that I just caved in so much to her.

@KatawaGrey I don’t think it’s “common” either. I think you see things more often when you’re looking for them. Since this is obviously something that upsets you, you are more likely to notice the instances of it happening than you are all the couples in which it doesn’t happen.

@MrItty: Then maybe it’s only common in my age group but I see it a fair amount. The point is that I shouldn’t see it at all. The way I see it, any is too much at all. It’s nice that you have never ever seen this and I hope you continue to never see anything like this.

I don’t think it’s acceptable or common. But, I do know what you are referring to and I’m going to guess you are between the age of 16–21, which is when it is rather common. I think it happens because of insecurities, jealousy, immaturity (the biggest factor) Heck, I was like that when I was younger but I grew up and saw how ridiculous I had been. You mature and understand more.
For me, I now would never “forbid” my husband from having certain friends, but he knows full well who has hurt me in the past, who has caused me great pain…and I think his love for me would make him not even want to be friends with those people. You mature and can respect each other easier, and compromise much better.

@KatawaGrey I didn’t say I’d never seen it. I just said it’s not common. In fact, my first answer very specifically implied that I had seen it, as I believe it to be fine for some couples, and not for others.

I haven’t had this experience at all. I’m sure that if I told my boyfriend that his relationship with someone made me uncomfortable and I’d like him to end it, he would very reluctantly do it out of respect for me. But I would have to have a good reason.

So I disagree with the premise, and with some of the answers so far: I’ve never seen the gender disparity you describe, and further, I actually think this is an okay request assuming it’s made in good faith (i.e., one partner has a legitimate grievance against the offending party).

I see this in women sometimes, and it’s an insane double standard. If a man tried to control a woman in these ways it could be considered abuse.
Perhaps the idea of a “strong woman” has been taken too far in some cases, and they forget that strong =/= controlling/dominating. People in relationships should be concerned with making choices that both they and their partner can be happy with without being told what to do.
And I think @casheroo is exactly right- it has a lot to do with insecurity. When I see a woman forbidding her man to do certain things, I think she’s very insecure in herself and her ability to chose a smart, caring, responsible man.

@Likeradar You hit the nail on the head. A double- standard indeed.

It’s not socially acceptable. At least not in my eyes. I don’t control my man at all. He just respects me enough to not cross the line. We’ve always been on the same page with what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn’t. So neither of us has had to “control” the other.

Because we let them. It’s as much our fault as it is theirs. Plus, guys are not innocent in this whole thing. If your girlfriend wanted to hang out with her guy best friend… not every guy would sit on his hands and allow that to happen. We all get mad for the same reasons, just different situations…. if that makes any sense.

” If a man was to forbid his female SO from doing something or seeing someone, he would be considered controlling and abusive”

If a man forbids his female SO from seeing particular people it’s usually because he feels the someone/s are destructive. It’s not usually a matter of not trusting his SO but his lack of trust and respect for the others.

If a woman forbids her male SO from seeing particular people it’s usually because she feels the someone/s are destructive but also she feels her SO doesn’t have control enough over his urges/impulses and will end disrespecting their her and their relationship/family, etc.

because some men don’t have to cojones to realize that they are equal partners with their wife. The most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard is a man call his wife Mother. Ick!

A marriage, like any relationship, is a partnership. Plenty of men will let the woman rule the roost, and then she will use sex as a weapon, i.e. do this or no sex for you. If my wife tried that, she’d find out I don’t respond well to threats. She’s smart enough to know that sex should never be used as a weapon or a reward. Sex is as fundamental to a relationship as anything else a person needs, like, food, love, understanding, compassion, etc.

two people in a marriage shoiuld be equals, and if one or the other gains superiority, then the house of cards falls down. Of course, some men refuse to grow up, so its’ their own damn fault.

If my wife doesn’t like my friends, well, I go without her to see them. Works both ways. I would never try to tell her who she can and cannot see, be with, or whatever. That isn’t respect, that’s akin to slavery. One controlling partner in a relationship is wrong, no matter their gender.

@hungryhungryhortence: Wow, that’s quite the generalization. I’ve seen it both ways, actually. I’ve been in relationships where the men have told me I can’t do thus-and-such just because they are extremely jealous. In my current relationship, my boyfriend has told me he doesn’t want me doing something and then clarified that it’s because he doesn’t necessarily trust the other person involved.

@Psychedelic_Zebra: Gah, I hate it when people try and use sex as a bargaining chip. I had a female friend once tell me that I could make my boyfriend do something by “denying him.” The concept disgusts me.

@KatawaGrey: it is a generalization but also the most common thing I’ve heard, seen and even felt myself on occasion. I’ll also add some more observed and experienced generalizations: men usually don’t distrust their SO because they take them for granted and would rather blame the SO’s friends for any turmoil while women blame the man for his part in the actions along with his friends she doesn’t like for whatever reasons. Man pride would rather blame everyone else than his SO for their chosen actions.

@hungryhungryhortence My ex threatened female friends, burned my previous girlfriends gifts. I think there are all kinds of reasons people try to control their SO’s, but many times I think it’s jealousy and insecurity.

I’d be out the door the first time anything like that was attempted. It is not necessary to trade autonomy for companionship.

By girlfriend has entire sets of people I’ve never met, and similarly, I have many social contacts who have essentially nothing to do with her.

@hungryhungryhortence Forbidding is one thing… seeking control over another person’s actions. And I don’t see that as being ok in a relationship.
Having a talk and making your feelings clear is another thing. In a healthy relationship, things are discussed and feelings and thoughts are considered. I’m just not seeing seeing how forbidding anything fits into a healthy relationship.

I see this behavior often and I have been a victim of the insecure female partner. I lost one of my best friends because of it.

I see this all the time on TV and in movies. Men just suck it up and do what the woman wants to keep the peace. However, I think men do the same, but it’s not as common or acceptable. For instance, a coworker once told me her husband won’t let her cut her long, blond hair.

Either way, I think it’s lame. No one can really make you do anything. Women get away with it because men let them.

Oh how I hate to witness this behavior. We are not their parents for God’s sake. “Forbid” should be stricken from the language of adult partners.

i know of a relationship like this. the male wants his wife to be the tough one- maybe it takes the pressure of him to make any decisions. but he sure is missing out on having a male friend to hang with.

@hungryhungryhortence I disagree with a lot of what you’re saying
men have trust issues just as much as women do
how can you possible think that usually men are just looking out/being all the wiser when they’re controlling but women are just petty?

It depends on who and what. I mean, I would not appreciate it if my husband wanted to hang out at the bar with his friends every weekend.

@Val123 Of course not. But would you forbid your husband from going to the bar, or explain your feelings and trust that you married a man who will make good, responsible, nice decisions that are healthy for your partnership?

I’d never “forbid” him to do anything! And it’s something I really don’t have to worry about, thank goodness. And neither does he. But, to answer the question, I really don’t know what I’d do. Maybe turn about is fair play? Leave him home alone on a Saturday while I hang out in the singles bar with my friends? See if he minds?

When he does something that I feel is detrimental to our relationship, I subtly hit him over the head with a baseball bat, and he sees the light. (Actually it’s stars, but, same diff) :)

@Likeradar: I’m with you, I like talking it out because for me at least, it’s not about justifying who’s more ‘right’ but what is going to work for two people instead of one.

@oratio: the plain old jealousy, them not believing for whatever reasons that they’re most important to you, that’s easier and faster to suss out and remedy for sincere people.

@Simone: the men looking out for the woman’s best interest- that’s not what I meant when I wrote. What I’m saying is in my experiences and I’ve a lot of them is that many men don’t want to admit their women could do wrong against their feelings or the family, that it’s easier to say she was swayed by outside forces so the man doesn’t feel so hurt.

When I was in my twenties, we knew a guy who’s wife was so involved in forbidding him this or that. Once we went to his door and knocked and one of our group asked to speak to her. He asked her “Can Peter come out and play?”. She got royally pissed off, but she seemed to tone it down for a while after that.

I think a discussion about what the members of a couple are comfortable with is very different than one person running the show. It’s not good regardless of who’s doing the bossing.

@KatawaGrey I know exactly what you mean actually. This was my mother’s method of dealing with men initially. It took 20 years, but she’s finally realizing that she needs to give my dad some control too and is giving it up.
When I met my boyfriend, she pointed out that I needed to do the same to keep the relationship safe but I remembered how much trouble it gave my dad that he wasn’t allowed to see girl friends that threatened my mom. Not to mention, it’s infinitely more pleasant and easier to just talk out my concerns with my boyfriend and find a different solution to problems.
In general though, the women in my family have that tendency and a lot of girls from high school were similar. I’m not sure why it happens but based on my mother’s comments, I assume it’s a problem of not knowing how to compromise or get over certain feelings. Or sometimes just needing to the be the one who wears the pants.

An awful lot of inexperieced individuals with anecdotal evidence is proof of NOTHING. Controlling behavior, distrust of others and insecurity are gender neutral. Men and women try to control their relatinships. Women may use language and forbid while men might try to physically and emotionally control their SO’s To think otherwise is just ignorant. These relationships are doomed for failure even if both partners stay together. A bad relationship is a failed relationship by any standard.

I think Desperate Housewives handled this nicely. Lynette is extremely controlling and it’s brought up many times. An older neighbor asks her husband Tom why he deals with it and he says that (roughly, not quoted) “It’s the only way to make her feel safe after her really rough childhood and my job as her husband is to make her feel safe. So I allow her to be controlling because it’s worth it in the long run.” No, it’s not always the case when you see it in real life, but this particular explanation made my heart melt. Specifically, he knows it’s happening, he knows why, and he’s okay with it.

Though I personally don’t like the tactic of controlling your SO, I am not as quick to judge older women who do it. Most teens just don’t know how to deal with their SO’s. But in terms of mature women, you don’t really know what’s going on in there. Even with my mom, it made me so angry when I was younger but my parents are still together and I know my mom needs to be able to control outcomes and the way things go based on some experiences she’s had as a child and adult. I guess my dad must understand it too and think it’s worth it.

I question the premise. I think it can be done by either party in a relationship and is unwarrented control.

Both sexes do this and it’s a basic lack of trust in their own ability to keep someone in a relationship with them.

There are women out there who see men as big babies who can’t control themselves around games, sports, hanging with the boys, drinking, and most especially, sex. Some women believe that if they don’t watch their man every minute he will shag any and every two-legged upright being with breasts.

There are men out there who think, instead of the shagging bit, it’s more that she’s leave him for another, “better” man. At least in a general sense. Mind you, this is all anecdotal from the way I’ve seen people in that mindset behave since childhood. I’m sure different people have different reasons for doing what they do.

Personally, if I’m in a relationship, it’s not to be a babysitter, and if the man proves to be untrustworthy, I’d find out soon enough.

Okay, some clarification: I do not think that women only do this. I never said this. In fact, in the original question, I mention that men do it too, but it is looked upon differently when men do it. Once again, I will say that it is not overwhelming, but any is too much. And again I will repeat something I said earlier in the thread. Perhaps it is just common in my age group.

To those of you who have answered the question in such a way as to indicate that you actually understand what I’m talking about, thank you.

For those people in society who see it as more acceptable when women do it (standard disclaimer applies :^> ), it might have to do with the thought of what might back up the statement. I think with a demand or forbidding someone something there’s an implied threat -but threat of what? If a woman is demanding people think she might withhold sex or she might be upset and “make his life hell” by yelling or whatever. If a man is demanding, especially if he’s physically bigger, there’s a fear of potential violence.

I’m not saying I think this way, but it could explain a part of what you’ve seen in other people’s reactions.

Because they have all of the pussy and half of the money.

Crude? Sure.

True? You betcha.

You best be a good guy then. Lol

@Blondesjon what if I have all the pussy and all of the money?

Got nothing but pussies in this house. I have 5 cats. Geesh. ;)

@tinyfaery we took two in but don’t know who they were at birth in terms of their sex
we named them Roxie and Cordelia for no good reason and we have another cat, a male, named Barsik…anyway…I almost brought another cat home today

I was just being cute. You know. Two women. No men. All pussy.

I believe it was Chris Rock that said something to this affect:

“If she ain’t happy, you ain’t happy.”

IE, if the woman in a relationship is upset about something (like whom her SO is around), she will systematically make the male’s life not as he’d like. Equal partnerships in relationships don’t exist. Someone always has more power. It might not be the same person all of the time, but on SO always has some power over the other.

The person in control (in a non-physically abusive relationship) is usually the woman.

@tinyfaery I know, I got that…I was just talking. you know. two people. talking. fluther