I've reached a breaking point - what do I do?
I’ve post on fluther before about some of the issues in my life. I will try give a quick summary so I don’t end up writing too much but please look at some of my other posts for a more in-depth flavour of what is going on.
1. I am inexperienced with women. I’ve dated probably 4–5 people in the past 3–4 years but none really went past a month or so. The last 2 ended up not calling me back which really hurt.
2. I’m a really sensitive, serious and emotional guy. I do love to have fun and am really funny with people I know well.
3. Between 15–19 or so, I would say I went off course developmentally. I had a lot of issues around my parents’ divorce and subsequent remarriage of my dad to a woman I really despise. It’s a messy situation and I ended up having some nasty fights with her. I eventually moved out of my dad’s house (I was splitting time with my mom and dad). I never dated any girls, had two good friends in high school that both left me to be part of a cooler crowd of the school. By the time I hit my senior year, I was a real mess and starting seeing a psychiatrist. I was really down and depressed at that point.
4. I never went away for college – I decided to stay at home with my parents while seeing the psychiatrist.
5. I reached 19 and started to want to experience meeting new friends, going out with girls, etc… I met a couple new friends, went out with one girl but I never formed any really strong friendships, never had sex with the girl and never had a relationship with her.
6. I finished college not really being able to find a girlfriend or someone to hook up with. My college was very commuter based so it was tough to meet people at bars/clubs. I tried to get semi-involved on campus but I often times was too despondent to push myself to meet new people.
7. I decided to go to law school. I now live by myself in a new city. I have had trouble finding girls to go out with. I hate classes. I feel extremely lonely and isolated here. But I also hate going home. When I go home, I want to run away and get back to the place where I can accomplish things in my life that I feel I can’t at home (parties, fun, girls, etc…).
For the past month I’ve been utterly hopeless. I have no dreams. I have no ambition to do anything in my life. I feel like I’m just a machine that starts up every day and goes to sleep. I don’t feel anything. I don’t have anybody to love and don’t feel love. I feel VERY behind people my age (sexual experience) and deeply, deeply regret missing out on a time of my life I’ll never have back (15–20 or so).
I can let go of the past but feel like I can’t even accomplish or make up for these things right now. I am seeing a psychologist who is helpful but I only see her once (maximum twice) a week and it’s just not enough. It feels like there’s nothing more I can do to help myself and it just feels awful. I have never seriously considered suicide but I fear I may begin thinking like that if this continues because I used to think a bit about it when I was younger (18 or so) and I haven’t felt this hopeless since that time. I don’t usually cry but for the first time in like 4 years I did a few days ago.
I honestly don’t know what to do. My parents are tremendously supportive and are very hurt seeing me the way I am. I just don’t know how I can help myself feel better. I feel like my circumstances in life are just plain awful and I’ve been dealt a very bad set of cards. I realize people need to learn to deal with the “hand they’ve been dealt” but I just don’t see things that optimistically.
I look around in my classes at people I would go out with and don’t see anybody I’m attracted to.
I’ve got very deep regrets about my past that I feel have really set me back; I hate my present and I am gravely hopeless about my future.
When I say I’ve reached a breaking point I don’t necessarily mean I want to jump off a cliff. I just feel like I’m close to “losing it” – dropping out of school, hiding away in my mom’s basement again, going to a hospital, etc… I don’t know exactly what I would do but something that would help me escape from myself and escape from my life.
Does anybody have any advice?
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