Eating disorders are not about being thin and beautiful. Eating disorders are about hating yourself.
People who genuinely want to be thin and beautiful eat delicious, healthy food and they do things they enjoy for exercise. They believe that their bodies deserve to be nourished and cared for.
Eating disorders are about depriving, denying, and forcing suffering onto yourself. None of that is beautiful.
You already know everything that I’m saying. You know that “thin and beautiful” is an excuse and this is really about something much deeper.
I know that you feel like you don’t deserve help. You aren’t even sure if you are really sick. But that is part of this illness. You are depriving yourself of physical nourishment (food) and you are depriving yourself of emotional nourishment (counseling).
Eating disorders are very dangerous. You do not need to get physically sick enough to prove that to someone. The sooner you stop this, the easier it will be. It’s like smoking: do you think it’s easier to quit after smoking for a month, or for ten years?
If you don’t want your friends and family to know about this, go to your school counselor. Make something up if you have to. But please talk to your counselor, and be honest. That’s what s/he is there for.