I’m not sure how to summarize without writing a book. I’m a newly married almost 30 year-old mother of a 13 year old. I’m in graduate school and have a final exam next Thursday and a 20 page research paper due the following Sunday (it’s my first 20 page paper ever). I have barely scratched the surface of studying and writing the paper and was reserving this weekend and every weeknight to study/write.

My father had very complex back surgery last month and was just (surprisingly) released to go back to his winter home in Florida in a few days. I had been planning on spending time with him and his wife after finals and spend Christmas with them (we’re never together on Christmas), but now they’re leaving the day before my final exam.

I have a history of depression, although I have been doing very well for the past couple of years. I have PTSD stemming from abusive relationships and being raped at 15 (which resulted in my pregnancy and the birth of my son).

My husband is in the process of adopting my son. I recently purchased a background check online to find the bio dad’s contact info for him to be notified.

My son (and I) saw his bio dad once in 1991. We met at a park. It was awkward and uncomfortable and the only way I could get through it was to pretend to myself that I hadn’t been raped… that I’d been the one to blame and he hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, that caught up with me and I ended up in a 6 week outpatient psychiatric program and on several medications a couple of months later to prevent me from ending my life.

My son’s bio dad showed up at our house 2 days ago. He’s in the military and being deployed oversees very soon and wanted to see my son this weekend before he leaves the area. He’s willing to sign the adoption papers if there is a clause included that allows him to see my son when he is in the area (every year or two). Long story short, my son wants to see him and he wants to see him every year or so when he’s in town.

Since then, I’ve been fighting falling apart. I’m struggling to get through daily tasks. Showers take forever. I can’t pick out clothes to wear. I find myself blanked out staring at the wall several times throughout the day. I jump when there is a noise behind me. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to answer the phone. I just want to sleep. Work is a joke… I’m sitting her accomplishing very little… but I don’t really want to go home. I’m going through the motions fine… and sometimes I feel “normal”, but mostly I feel dissociated. I know that kind of goes with the PTSD deal…

My question is… how in the world do I handle all of this? This weekend I have to say goodbye to my Dad (and I have abandonment issues… this is not easy for me), I have to bring my son to see his bio dad for the second time ever, I have to emotionally support him, I have to study and I have to write a 20 page paper. And I really, really, don’t want to fall apart like I did eventually after seeing the bio dad last time.

Thoughts?

Topics: school, relationships, health, psychology, family, depression, schedules, post-traumatic stress disorder