Interestingly the main point of my answering my nephews questions when asked if she was his girlfriend was as a child protection issue and this was not mentioned by any response given. The issue I was making clear to him was that there are differences between what behaviours are those of girlfriend and boyfriend and those of friends. In the context of the conversation and conversations we have had prior it was relevant and important. If he were to believe that hugging and kissing and sharing a room were behaviours of ‘just friends’ I felt that would not be appropriate. What if he thought it was ok to hug and kiss his friends? Or for his friends to hug and kiss him in a ‘friend’ way. The situation was as clear as that. It is very hard to understand the fullness of the question and situation from a post so although I enjoyed reading the responses I realise it is not really a useful place for accurate reflection on situations.
It turned out to have been just the discussion he needed to break the wall of silence he had been holding up. He needed the complete honesty and safety of a sincere not crap answer to a sincere question to allow what happend the next night. I was putting him to bed and we had our usual stories and nice chatter then he went quiet and curled up and sobbed. He let all the pain he had been holding about his parents divorce and the confusion out. I got my sister, his mum, and together we listend to his worries and sadness. It was the first time she had clearly been able to see the pain he was in and if I hadnt been honest with him when he wanted me to then he would have probably continued to hold it all in. By answering his question the day before I had opened the door to show him it was ok to talk about it all. He was testing my trustworthyness on such an important issue for him. The actual friend/girlfriend question was not the issue at all in the end it was just a way or clearly testing out whether he could talk about the huge and scary changes in his life. That was partly my discomfort I think with the question as at the time it felt more weighted then I would have expected from the question and answer. I was left wondering what the unbalanced feeling was about the conversation. His denial was nothing to do with the actual question it was to do with the willingness to push the situation further and open up. He was telling himself not to continue at that point – but then the next night had thought it through and was ready to let himself express what had been storing up.
I do not regret for one moment my answer. I know how hard I work at to remain netural towards his father. I encourage free flow of conversion about both parents and even send pictures to their dad that the kids do for him and photos if I take any specially nice ones which the kids mights want to share with him. I am infact highly mature regarding the divorce situation. I have my feelings about his dad but never project them into my conversations with the children.
I never have any desire or need to hurt the children or make anything harder for them or my sister. Everything I do is careful and never do I suffer from an “interfering judgmental narcissistic lip”. It is this very lack of judgement and self obsession which makes it possible for my nephew to open up to me and trust me with big and small issues. I think pdworkin your responses reflect issues completly unrelated to the question and scenario I posed. Your anger and judgement is far outweighing the actual content I provided you with. Maybe if people had been more honest and mature in your life you would be able to seperate your own feelings to know which ones belong where. Accussations such as the one you made toward me are out of place given the limited content you had to work with and base your answer on.
My sister is very aware of what her husband has been up to and left him a short while after their baby was born. She stayed with him for a couple of weeks after their 3rd baby was born so that the other 2 children didnt have a new baby to deal with plus a new house plus their parents splitting up. It was a very painful time for her but she wanted the children to be eased through the situation as best as possible. I have been very supportive of her and the children and she has invited me and wants me to have a very full role in the care and support of her children – perhaps more so then some families experinence with their extended family members. I have accepted the responsibility of this and that is why it is not an issue with my sister when I help her children to make some sense of their worlds. I told her of our discussion and his question that evening. She was in denial that it was effecting him as hard as it then turned out the following night. Turns out honesty (age approriate honesty) is the best policy most of the time.
Thank you for your posts in response to this dilema. It is always good to look at things from a number of angles but then it does always seem to come down to trusting your own gut instincts in the moment. Turned out my gut instinct to respond simply and honestly was a very good response.