The real question is how well do you feel you can predict your own feelings and behavior? Do you surprise yourself more often than you expect to? Has you ability to predict your own behavior changed over your life? If any of these are the case, why do you think they are the case?

I used to feel like I knew myself very well and that I was quite predictable. Then I got sick with a brain chemical disorder, and now I feel that I am often surprised about what I feel and what I do.

This morning, I was talking about how I had felt good about my work the day before. I felt like I was actually making a difference to real people, something I had never felt before in my life (it was all policy or political work, where you never know if anything has changed because of what you did).

I thought, ‘this is unusual. I have never felt good about the results of my work before.’ It was almost as if that was a jinx thought. I remembered feeling useless, and suddenly I got really sad—enough for my eyes to begin to generate tears; maybe enough to throw me for a few days (I hope not).

I have also found myself doing things I never thought I would do. I can’t explain these things to myself. I feel like I don’t understand myself any more and I can predict neither what I will do nor what I will feel.

What is your relationship with your own predictability?

Topics: life, relationships, psychology, behavior, mental health, comfort, future