Social Question

dazedandconfused's avatar

Is this a fair trade?

Asked by dazedandconfused (545points) January 29th, 2010
27 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

I don’t want my boyfriend to get lap dances, ever. He doesn’t want me to dance with guys where there is contact (I’m in college). Is this fair? I don’t feel like they’re on the same level, since dancing with guys there is no blatantly sexual motives (at least not how I dance), and no one is naked. Am I being unrealistic to suggest that these things are not equivocal? This may seem juvenile, but I’m just curious-please don’t bash my insecurity.

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CupcakesandTea's avatar

Well I think it’s fair. Obviously it’s something that bothers him and him getting lap dances from girls bothers you. So you should both just respect how the other feels and just don’t do those things.

LethalCupcake's avatar

The fact is that you would hate to think of him so close with a female (naked or not) and he feels the same with you. Everyone has insecurities, you just compromise and deal with them. If you think this wasn’t a fair trade – try talking to him again..Personally – I see it as fair though

Chikipi's avatar

I think dancing is okay with another guy as long as it’s not sexual contact like the bumping and grinding.

For example, Salsa dancing is okay and acceptable as long as no flirtation is involved.

I do not think lap dances are equal to dancing.

In the end it doesn’t matter it all comes down to trusting each other and knowing that you both know where to draw the line.

Sarcasm's avatar

There is no way to objectively say if anything is a fair trade or not.

In my personal opinion, I think it’s fair. Even if your dancing isn’t outwardly sexual, that is still an activity that I see as something “reserved” for someone you’re very close to.
But to be honest, both of those are activities that I assumed were automatically off-limits in a relationship, I didn’t think they even had to be explained as no-no activities. Though, I don’t know the nature of your relationship.

YARNLADY's avatar

It’s fair for each partner to respect the wishes of the other. If you have to get out a ruler and measure his issues against yours, your relationship is already in trouble.

Naked_Homer's avatar

@YARNLADY – I agree.

He should respect your relationship enough to want to honor your wishes if that bothers you. If it is to important to him then there is and issue. The same goes with you and his request.

john65pennington's avatar

Why not just call it even and both of you avoid the extra activities? he dances close to you and you do a lap dance for him. case solved.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@john65pennington He’s 3.5 hours away… so we don’t go out together hardly ever, if that makes a difference. I’d love to dance with him if he were ever around, but he’s not.

casheroo's avatar

I find it incredibly immature (and my husband does it as well) when I ask him to do something or not do something, that automatically means I have to sacrifice something that is not even comparable. Frustrating. You need to talk about it. Tell him why lap dances bother you, and see if you dancing with other guys actually bothers him as much as a lap dance would bother you. If it does, then honestly? Being respectful of the others opinion might prevail your desire to dance with other men. Is it really that hard for you to resist?

Nullo's avatar

The boy’s got no business getting lap dances in the first place. Especially when he’s got a girlfriend.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

You’re right that they’re not on the same level. For you to be dancing closely with a partner is… more intimate. Surprised?

The girl doing the lap dance (for some guy), even if she’s completely naked, is involved in a business transaction. Maybe you don’t look at it this way, and maybe the guy getting the lap dance even has fantasies of “more” ... but the girl doing the lap dance is doing it for money. It’s a business, even if you don’t like the business.

If you’re dancing with a partner, then you’re close to him in a completely social setting, and presumably you didn’t just meet at the start of this dance and break off the ‘relationship’ immediately afterward. It’s more likely to have been some kind of dating situation, and your boyfriend is concerned about “what happens after the date?”

After a guy gets a lap dance he may go home and masturbate. Unless he (and the lap dancer) are willing to take huge chances with the law, their ‘relationship’ spans the length of their dance, and then ends.

Although I also agree with @Nullo: a college-age guy with a girlfriend shouldn’t be getting lap dances anyway.

Mostly I think that if you’re each jealous of what your partner does when you’re out of sight of each other, then you should probably not put a lot of hope into this relationship. I think you both have a lot of growing up to do before you’re ready for a deep and committed relationship.

john65pennington's avatar

I was not aware of the 3.5 hours apart. i have always said that long distance relationships will never work. there is too much mileage between for one or the other to cheat. and, they usually do.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@CyanoticWasp This is just casual dancing, with people who are around at parties—not with guys that I have some secret feelings about. Having a naked woman on you feels more like cheating to me than dancing (not necessarily grinding) with a stranger to a song and then parting ways.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

why does he need lap dances? why do you need to dance in a sexy way with other guys? I don’t understand why these are things either of you will miss if you’re happy and monogamous together

Buttonstc's avatar

If the two of you were together geographically, all of this would be moot issues (or should be).

If each of you has difficulties forsaking these two activities for the sake of the relationship, then maybe it’s time to seriously reconsider changing the parameters of the relationship.

If this is a temporary, short term separation, giving up these activities shouldn’t be THAT MUCH of a problem for either of you.

But if this is a significantly longer separation, re-evaluation may be called for. True love will stand the test of time. So if you both have no strings attached, no conditions, etc. and still end up together at the end of a long separation, then you’ll know it was meant to be.

Right now it seems that each of you is being kind of selfish in not willing to compromise on issues bothersome to the other.

Many people have a mistaken idea that a successful marriage (or love relationship) is where there is equality with each partner willing to give 50%.

It’s actually far more accurate that each partner is willing to give 100%. That’s a successful long term situation.

You guys are still busy with tit-for- tat scorekeeping. That’s not a good sign, especially considering that the two activities in question can be rather easily forsaken without anyone suffering from extreme deprivation.

Neither dancing nor lap dancing are necessary for one to have a happy life. Get some perspective here, would you?

casheroo's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Who are you and what have you done with my Simone?!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am still here. I am looking at this question as if I were monogamous.

Zen_Again's avatar

It’s as fair as it is immature. But if you are both going to lay down the law for each other, then you deserve what you get. I don’t mean this only in the negative way, I mean that if you are going to restrict him in one way, expect it back. What’s the equivalent of a lap dance for a girl again? Oh right… whatever he says it is. You started it.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@Zen_Again I feel like the “you’re immature” comments really aren’t necessary. Why is it that some people constantly need to make assumptions about others’ relationships? If you don’t know all the details, please just stick to answering the question.

Self_Consuming_Cannibal's avatar

Great Question and I marked it as so. Well while I don’t think that receiving a lap dance is worse than just dancing with someone, it’s what you’re boyfriend wants from you. Sometimes relationships aren’t fair, nor are they about being fair, sometimes they’re about doing what you can and are willing to do to fulfill the needs of your s/o. Either way good luck. =)

Janka's avatar

I don’t think “fair” should enter it at all. Respecting each others’ wishes should not be about “if you do this, I’ll do that”, it should be about respecting them because you love the other person and think the wishes reasonable.

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dazedandconfused's avatar

@Zen_Again “Babies?” Trust me, you know nothing about me.. I don’t post all of my credentials on here, but I’m not some love-struck, selfish sixteen year old girl. Just because you’re older doesn’t make you more mature, it just makes you older and more experienced. So, please, don’t waste your time (which as apparently very precious) answering MY questions. Your wisdom will obviously be much more appreciated somewhere else.

And for the record, we already decided that neither of us would do those activities. I asked because I was curious.

Response moderated
Oxymoron's avatar

I think it’s completely fair. I don’t see why either of you would want to dance with the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship anyways.

Silhouette's avatar

It’s tit for tat.

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