Some really good thoughts and suggestions here. Thank you all very much for taking the time to help, it means a lot and I’m taking it all in. I’m also very impressed at the level of perceptiveness you guys have displayed.
@Jeruba – Wow.. really good points. I think there is definitely something to what you said. I guess I am somewhat judgmental of others, in that my critical eye is used for weeding out those I feel could hurt me. I usually worry about others judging me, what they think of me, etc. I’m going to try that, the turning that off and focusing on seeing other people without wondering what they’re thinking of me.
@susanc – I really wish I could have brought my therapist to CA with me.. she was so good and so perceptive. We talked about my difficulties in getting close to others, as well as how terribly difficult it is for me to let go of people and to say goodbye to them. I experience almost a panic when people go away, and it’s sometimes almost physically painful. It never occurred to me before that there would even be a name for it, but she kindly told me I have an attachment disorder due to the kind of messed-up childhood I had. So, you’re right on the money, it’s absolutely a protective strategy. However, it’s one that’s difficult to shed because of my mom and the fact that she will never change the things that make me want to pull back and keep people at a distance.
Honestly, I’m kind of torn. Part of me wants to go live in a cabin in the woods and not have daily contact with people, and another part of me is terrified of dying alone. I end up somewhere in the middle, where I have a small group of close friends and hope that I eventually I will find someone romantically that will be just the right fit. I honestly don’t need people on a day-to-day basis and most of the time, could be quite happy spending most of a week barely speaking to anyone. I just don’t know that it’s healthy and it’s definitely “weird” (in that it’s not what most people are like).
@mattbrowne – You’re correct on this, too. I head back to my place tonight and am looking forward to picking up some hobbies that I really enjoy. I want to get back into playing the flute and when I get my skill level back up, I want to join or create a chamber music group because I love playing with people. That’s a definite “flow” activity for me. I also want to start practicing Wicca like I used to, start hiking, that sort of thing. I’m feeling a bit isolated at the moment, in that I just moved here and have had no time to meet anyone, but I’m trying to find group activities that will help me with this.