I have come to believe that in some of us, there is a kind of loneliness hole that is sated when we feel connected to people, but grows larger when we are alone or feeling disconnected. I am told that this is related to childhood experiences with parents, and has to do with either emotional or physical abuse such that on some deep unconscious level we don’t really trust that we are cared for or that anyone remembers us when we are out of sight.
In my case, I experience it as an insatiable need for love. I need to be around people, and I need attention, and, in particular, I need to be loved; intimately loved. This causes me no end of problems. First of all, no one believes this is true, and even if they do think it is true, they usually think you need to get your love from only one person, and if that’s not enough, then tough it out, get therapy, and learn to love yourself.
I think it takes years, maybe even decades of work to learn that. To feel sufficient and whole all on your own is the holy grail. But the quest is endless, and really, who knows if it is even findable? I think that some people despair of ever finding it and kill themselves. The despair and depression from feeling like you are defective, alien, incompetent, bad for others and inherently unlovable is an enormous weight that kills far too many. People who are healthy and do experience themselves as lovable really have no clue.
I’m told that mindfulness is a practice that can help with this. I am told that you can learn skills that help you cope, and help you have “healthy” relationships. I think you have to want this so much that you are willing to sacrifice the rest of your mind in order to achieve this goal, but I could be imagining that. A lot of times it seems so much easier to treat the pain with fixes from lovers or alcohol or drugs or work instead of remaining cognizant of it 24/7. But I’m a lazy bastard who, if it doesn’t come easy, tends not to do it.