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eternal_serenity's avatar

Help! I'm scared to get married! Is this normal? (see details)

Asked by eternal_serenity (494points) February 1st, 2010
23 responses
“Great Question” (3points)

My s/o and I have been together about two years, before that we were friends for about 4 years. I have decided to join the military, but I don’t wanna lose him. We are considering getting married. I love him and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but there are a lot of “what ifs”. Like, what if I get deployed and he decides he doesn’t love me as much as he thought? I couldn’t stand the thought of coming home knowing that it won’t be to him. Or what if I change in the military and he doesn’t like the person I become? What if I’m wrong and I am supposed to be with someone else I haven’t met yet. Also we always planned on waiting another year or two before we got married, so we would have more money saved up to have the wedding and honeymoon we want. I kinda feel like I’m cheating myself out of the engagement/wedding experience. I love him so much and he is so good to me – I feel guilty for having these thoughts. Is this normal? I think if we don’t get married and I join the military and leave him behind, we will just fade apart. I really don’t wanna lose him. What’s your opinion?

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Answers

Nullo's avatar

Well, if you’re that worried, I’d say forgo the military.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My opinion is that the two of you shouldn’t get married just yet. All of the questions you mention are important to discuss before you take that step. The first time I was afraid of getting married – I got divorced 3 years later. The second time I didn’t care to get married and I did and wasn’t scared and it was worth it.

nikipedia's avatar

Why do you feel like you need to get married now? Why not see how some of those issues play out?

njnyjobs's avatar

Wait awhile. . . proceed with your military move if that’s your calling. If he’s there when you come back, then you’re meant to be togethr.

eternal_serenity's avatar

@nikipedia If I just wait for them to play out, I’ll probably lose him. I don’t know if I can take that risk. I love him. I’m a realist and I can’t expect him to wait 4 years for me.

Seek's avatar

There are many questions you need to answer.

Both marriage and joining the military are lifechanging decisions. Doing both in one fell swoop is rarely a good idea. The first few years of marriage are the hardest, and not being present for those years could really make things difficult.

Your worries aren’t just “cold feet” – it’s a legitimate concern. Getting deployed (especially these days) is a part of military life. Time apart from your spouse is expected, and it is not a life meant for everyone.

Now, if your first thought about continuing the relationship through a deployment is whether your new husband will be faithful, I’d consider the level of trust you’re currently operating under.

I have to wonder how old you two are. I know I am nothing close to the same person I was at 18, as I am at 24 – and I haven’t been through boot camp and a wartime deployment.

You should definitely give yourself time to grow and become the person you want to be – as opposed to stagnating to remain the person your significant other expects you to be.

suncatnin's avatar

Any of those concerns you’re having are likely to be there regardless of whether you get married, and I think that they are concerns that a lot of people in the military (or other jobs that involve being gone at length) have. I do agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir that these are all things to discuss with your partner. If you’re already talking about waiting a year or two before you get married, you have plenty of time to discuss things and make sure you’re on the same page.

It took me 6.5 years to figure out that we were going around in circles fighting about the same big life decision things and that we just had different mentalities. We ended up calling off the wedding about 6 months out and it was the best thing either one of us could have done. Talk everything out before you have a contract legally binding you to one another. Ask him these questions instead of us and express your concerns.

jrpowell's avatar

@eternal_serenity :: Do you really think a ring on his finger will keep him faithful? Our brains don’t work like that.

suncatnin's avatar

I will say this though: technology has made long distance relationships so much easier. Email, instant messaging, and phone calls can help to make sure that you still remain emotionally connected to one another, as long as the other person is on board with it.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Hardly sounds fun.

eternal_serenity's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr I’m not worried about him cheating on me. He’s not that kind of guy. I’m worried that I’ll get back and things will be awkward because we haven’t seen each other for a year. Or if he decides 6 months into deployment he can handle that life. What worries me most is the getting married too soon. I was taught to take A LOT of time before getting married, and I don’t wanna be a dissapointment to my family or hear “I told you so” if for some reason we didn’t work out. But I know I love him and that he loves me. I’m 21 by the way.

Nullo's avatar

My cousin and her husband managed rather well during his tour of duty in Iraq, and when he went back as a private contractor. As mentioned elsewhere on this page, the Internet is a marvelous thing.

janbb's avatar

What would be the harm in waiting a few years?

eternal_serenity's avatar

@johnpowell He’s not the cheating type. I have faith in him as far as that goes. I’m just afraid he won’t be able to handle military life

marinelife's avatar

You need to think long and hard before you get married. Some of your doubts are natural ones and some are due to your circumstances.

Like, what if I get deployed and he decides he doesn’t love me as much as he thought?

You need to trust that he loves you. It would be the same whether or not you were deployed. he could always fall out of love with you.

Or what if I change in the military and he doesn’t like the person I become?
Your basic, underlying personality is not likely to change.

What if I’m wrong and I am supposed to be with someone else I haven’t met yet.
This is why you have to be sure that you love him enough to marry him. You have to imagine yourself with him always, through separation, and hardship and old age.

I kinda feel like I’m cheating myself out of the engagement/wedding experience.
You can schedule another ceremony for later when you coem home on leave or after you get out.

I think if we don’t get married and I join the military and leave him behind, we will just fade apart. I really don’t wanna lose him.
This sounds like you want him to be with you always. You can live in the same place if you are married. he can move to where you are stationed (except when you are deployed.)

phoenyx's avatar

She pretty much summed up what I was going to say ^.

JLeslie's avatar

Too many what ifs. I think you shouldn’t get married. When I got married I was sure I wanted to be married to my soon to be husband. Just the other day we were watching a tv show where te bride and groom were all nervous, and my husband said, “I never got nervous.” I never did either. I never once thought that I would find someone else better, or who I would rather be with.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

I think you should follow your heart and discuss the situation with your significant other to see what his opinion is. I don’t think its a good idea to get married and then leave for a tour if you decide to join the military. If you do join I think this would be a good test to see if he is genuine about his feelings toward you and if he will really wait for you no matter what.

Supacase's avatar

Why do you think you will lose him if you don’t get married first? Will his level of commitment be so much less if you don’t marry? You are depending on a wedding band to hold your place with him until you get back. If you two are meant to be together, other things like love, commitment and determination are more likely to hold you together married or not.

Adagio's avatar

If you want to participate in life you can’t avoid taking risks, it is the nature of the beast, gain and growth involves risk, there are no shortcuts.

eternal_serenity's avatar

@Supacase It’s not about that – we can’t live together on base unless we’re married. It won’t work out if I get stationed halfway across the US and he’s still here.

bledingham's avatar

im married and i want to join the military,but i havn’t told my wife yet is it a good idea for me to join?if anyone could give me some advice i’ll really appreciate it

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@bledingham that kind of a thing is a pretty big issues to discuss sooner than later.

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