General Question

odali's avatar

Should I give her one last chance?

Asked by odali (554points) February 4th, 2010
133 responses
“Great Question” (2points)

This woman and I have been dating for awhile, ive had a number of LTRs before, but this is her first one. She breaks up with me every month for like 2 days, but always comes back, realizing she loves me and doesnt want to lose me. She has some mental problems that would explain this behavior, however she often cites that as an excuse for things. Recently it’s been getting worse, and she will flip out at anything I say to her, completely irrationally. She has broken promises, and I always have to walk on eggshells. She takes me for granted, and doesnt appreciate me. I have done a lot for her. On our last break she slept with someone else. She said it made her realize she really doesnt want anyone but me and made her feel like shit, and that she is ready to have children with me, and marry me. We broke up again, about a week ago, because one of my conditions for getting back together with her is that she doesnt talk to that guy for a little while so I have time to get over it and forgive her for it. She was talking to him, and I got mad about it. We broke up. She has treated me more and more like shit for the past couple months or so, and I take it because of how good the relationship was before, and hope it was just a phase. The only thing she was doing was leaving every month for 2 days, which would bother some people but, didn’t really bother me. I’m to the point where I am really sick of it, everything is always my fault. I give and give and give and she doesn’t reciprocate. Any other girl, I would have ended it long ago, however, there is this really odd connection with her ive never had with anyone else, and the most intense, permanent feeling of love I’ve ever felt before in my life. I am going to talk to her and tell her I am sick of being treated like this and don’t deserve it, especially because I treat her well (obviously much longer than that with examples and whatnot) either way, but my real question is…

Should I give her the option of having one last chance to stop being like this before I leave? I know the way I am, if I leave, I do not come back, and it would be permanent. And I am prepared to do that now.

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Answers

mowens's avatar

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

syz's avatar

Ugh. Why would you put up with that?

syz (35679points)“Great Answer” (4points)
odali's avatar

@mowens what do you mean?
@syz Because I love her. I’ve never had this kind of connection or love before in my life.. something just feels right with her and I really don’t want to lose that.

syz's avatar

Well, that’s the choice you have to make, I guess. Me, I could never be involved in a relationship with so much drama. Not my thing.

Keep in mind, though, you can’t change her. She has to want to change herself. If this pattern has existed during your entire relationship, it’s hardly likely to change. Do you love her enough to put up with this behavior?

syz (35679points)“Great Answer” (5points)
borderline_blonde's avatar

This situation sort of echoes one of my own… only I was the girl with mental issues who kept breaking up with the guy and coming back. The reason I kept doing it was because I didn’t want the relationship but I loved him and didn’t want to let go.

So my advice? No, I wouldn’t take her back. If the girl keeps breaking up with you, it’s a sign that she has issues with the relationship as a whole. Some things really shouldn’t be fixed.

dpworkin's avatar

I can suggest a really good book for you to read that may help a great deal with this problem. it is called, appropriately enough, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Give it a shot. It has helped a lot of people.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I think you should fire her

odali's avatar

@syz not my thing either, i like things simple.. don’t like to argue.. etc. it’s just that feeling that is giving me any doubt as to whether ending it for good is the right thing to do. Maybe I won’t find that again, and maybe she really will change if I give her a last chance and knows it is the last chance. And it would be a last chance, I’m not going to keep doing it if i do take her back and nothing changes.

@borderline_blonde She has said she doesnt want a relationship, and she hates being in love.. but she is in love and doesnt want to lose me. You might be my ex girlfriend! haha

@dpworkin Thank you, I will read that!

@lucillelucillelucille haha, that’s a good way to put it.

Sophief's avatar

How many one last chances will it be though?

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Unless there is some other overriding factor, you shouldn’t be taking that kind of drama and abuse. She’s treating you abusively and probably always will.

odali's avatar

@Dibley One. This is it, actually. I am prepared to end it now if nothing changes, when I wasn’t before even though I said I was.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I agree that she is abusing me as well, consciously or unconsciously, still abusive..

HGl3ee's avatar

Leave. She has had enough chances. You deserve so much better..

Sophief's avatar

I treat my ex terrible, why? Because I could. He would let me get away with anything and I mean anything. Show her who is the man and then you’ll see how she feels. Either she’ll think f*ck you and leave, or think finally you are standing up to her and respect you and stay.

borderline_blonde's avatar

@odali haha maybe. Well if she was saying those things to you, then they were the exact things going through my head every time I was breaking up with my ex. She might be looking for you to not take her back so she doesn’t have the option anymore. It’s kind of a chicken shit way out of a relationship, but it happens.

odali's avatar

@ElleBee Ha. Thank you =)

@Dibley Yeah, you’re right she doesn’t respect me, and perhaps this is what she needs to. So you do think that I should give her the option after the talk?

@borderline_blonde Yeah, you may be right.. But I think she should be able to just tell me, seriously I dont want this anymore and even if I come back to you dont take me back because im just going to keep doing this to you.. or something like that.

Sophief's avatar

@odali If your ready for her response to go either way, yes.

odali's avatar

@Dibley Yeah, I am. I’m actually leaning toward not taking her back at the moment, so it would almost be a relief if she came to me and said she doesnt want to work on it.

Darwin's avatar

She sounds as if she may be at the very least bipolar, but can you live with that the rest of your life? Typically, bipolar folks try very hard to push the people who care about them away, and they will do that forever. The only exception is if they are on the right medications and take them as prescribed without fail. I say this as the parent of a bipolar child.

The only way I would give her another chance would be if the two of you undergo counseling to figure out what the root of the problem is, and both of you accept and work on what the counselor says. If this can’t happen, then you do need to walk away. A loving adult relationship should be additive, not subtractive.

CMaz's avatar

“She has some mental problems”

Do you really need a push in the right direction?

odali's avatar

@Darwin Yes, she is bipolar. And going to therapy together sounds like a good idea, thank you.

@ChazMaz Honestly, I don’t care if she has mental problems. In my opinion that’s like not dating someone because they are sick. I’d stay with her through whatever she’s going through.

bean's avatar

don’t go back to her, if you love her, let her go…. it’s hard for her because she’s emotional about other things (it might not be her fault) but it wont work. I know, i’ve been in the same situation, you know that. it is the best thing to let this go (and she know’s that inside too).
Even if you love each other, let each other go.
but no need to just disappear, you can still be there for her, because you love eachother, you just need the time to not be in a relationship, and its not what she needs right now.

odali's avatar

@bean I have never understood that saying, haha

And yes, everyone is telling me to let her go, friends, family, even her own brothers say she’s being a——- and not to take it anymore. Her friends are starting to hate her for the way shes treating me because they all know im a good guy and treat her well.

I am ready to let her go, i just don’t want to regret not giving her a real chance to fix things – she may if she knows she is really going to lose me if she doesnt.

CMaz's avatar

“I’d stay with her through whatever she’s going through.”

That is wonderful! Really. Then why did you ask? “Should I give her one last chance?”
Are you looking for a certain number?

She apparently has issues, that will always jerk you around. And, you are not married to her.

So move on , unless misery needs company.

mrentropy's avatar

@odali I know where you are. I go through the same thing. And, with me, it’s always “one more chance” and “one more chance.”

I’m miserable. Miserable enough to consider shooting myself in the head because I can’t let myself let go of this person. And you sound like you’re going to fall into the same trap.

Leave. Cut off communication. Feel guilty about for a while, if you want to. But given some time you’ll remember what it’s like to be able to live without worrying about what someone else is going to do.

odali's avatar

@ChazMaz I am asking because, I am giving her a chance to correct things. Staying with her though anything meaning, family problems, mental problems, health, etc. Not cheating, treating me like shit for no reason, etc.

@mrentropy I know, I have said one more chance before but not meant it. In this instance I do mean it because I am fed up with it and, if things don’t change I really will leave. But you may be right, I am always worrying what she’s going to do, and its sickening.

john65pennington's avatar

Don’t let the front door hit you in the rear end as you leave.

mrentropy's avatar

@odali I always mean it, too. The truth is, just as I think these people in our lives are mentally ill, I also consider myself mentally ill because it seems like I thrive on being miserable, put upon, taken advantage of, abused and everything else.

I would beg you to avoid this for yourself.

bean's avatar

@odali unlike my ex boyfriend, you have done so much for her and showed so many signs of love and support. He didn’t do anything like that. I’ve had bi-polar depression with adjustment disorder and mood depression (i’m not sure what the doctor meant by that, either it was the name of the depression or i was suffering both :S) She can’t see anything at the moment, no one should hate her, just understand she is not her self at all… really, i think it’s up to you, chance or not, do what you want to do. don’t mind what people tell you. But once is enough. I had suffered depression, went to my boyfriend for comfort… he turns off his phone and ignores me. then he tells me I’m wrong because i’m not giving him space… it made me worse, and I always asked him to just come over because i’m feeling crazy…. You haven’t done any of that, but i’m wondering how bad her depression is…. but i’m sure she will get over it, but I think you being with her makes it worse, it’s not your doing anything wrong, its because her emotions are just unbalanced and nothings right to her. She’s going no where (and especially if her friends are hating her, and her own brother) I can definitley see her getting worse if people are going to hate on her for having depression thats out of her control now

CMaz's avatar

“I am giving her a chance to correct things.”

Friend, I have been where you are.
It is a dead end. At least for you. What this individual needs, in order to have her things “corrected”. Can only be accomplished without a relationship. If they even truly see an issue with themselves.

You would do best for her and yourself, as painful as it might be, to find someone that can be a partner not a burden to you. Let your friend get the proper help and find the right path for her life.
Save the “burden” for old age. Like when you or your ” significant other” needs a butt wiped.

odali's avatar

@john65pennington ha. thanks.

@mrentropy I honestly don’t think I could give her another chance after this one, if I do give it to her. I’ve never really seriously considered NOT giving her another chance whereas this time, actually leaning toward no. But I think Dibley may be right, that she is doing it because I’m letting her, and if I come down, the worst that happens is I end up leaving if she keeps doing it, the best she actually respects me and stops.

@bean She is herself fairly often, but she has manic episodes (you can clearly tell when she is manic, physically and mentally), and that is usually when she responds to me the way she does, however it is not always.

@ChazMaz huh. I didn’t really look at it that way, about actually not being able to get out of this with a partner, someone helping her but you could be right. Only problem I see with dumping someone because they’re a burden, is that we are all burdens at one point or another, and I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.

CMaz's avatar

“I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.”

Find someone that is healthy enough to appreciate that.

It seems like you have a lot to give the right person.

bean's avatar

@ChazMaz thats a bit harsh :(

I’ve been through bipolar depression, you become way out of character, you hate your self more than anything, you hurt your self in alot of ways you regret, and if naming bipolar depression a burdan i find that really hurtful….. no one who has depression should be a burdan and it is something quite out of your control. But the only thing is I dont quite understand why she’s feeling that way when you did nothing wrong.

life_after_2012's avatar

You can easily find someone with out all the drama, what if you guys have kids and break up. You seem like a nice person. Don’t let this unhealthy enviroment change that good person.

CMaz's avatar

“no one who has depression should be a burdan ”

And, no one should have that disposition dropped on them. When a relationship has it’s best advantage of working out. When it starts out healthy.

bean's avatar

I wrote that wrong, but I’m just saying…. relationship may of started of healthy (mine did), but don’t name depression a burdan, it’s quite personal to me, it was very difficult….. But if my boyfriend acted like odali, we wouldn’t of broken up at all.

CMaz's avatar

Don’t take the word “burden” so serious. I did use a wipe the butt joke.

Eventually after. lust, and infatuation comes love. Then there is no “burden”. Because you love that person.

But the TRUE type of love gets lost in trying to save someone, if that is part of the foundation. THAT is not a healthy relationship.

bean's avatar

@ChazMaz yeah, true I didn’t know you were just speaking lightly about it, sorry, it’s just a sensative issue.

odali's avatar

@bean and her depression is very bad, i ah, had to go to the hospital to get her the other day because she did something pretty bad.

@ChazMaz I know, in my head, that you’re right about that last one, however the biggest problem with not giving her another chance lies in my heart, I’ve never had the feeling i have for this girl, even after a 2+ year relationship in which I helped raise her kid, we have this immense connection, and being around her just seems RIGHT.. and we both have this really odd feeling that we’re supposed to have children together. I’m not sure if its something you’ve ever felt before but it is.. almost disturbing, I never thought I’d be saying anything like that, I thought fate and “the one” and thinks like that were comeplete BS before I met this girl. In my head I know I should have left a long time ago.

@life_after_2012 I hope so. And thank you – I will not, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

@ChazMaz (again) The relationship did start off healthy, I believe the bumps were because she has not had a serious relationship before.. and it wasn’t dropped on me, I knew pretty early on and was fine with it.

@bean yeah your boyfriend was a prick. you deserve better and will find it.

@ChazMaz you may be right about losing love in fixing someone.. that would really suck.

CMaz's avatar

“it’s just a sensative issue.”

for me too. :-)

CMaz's avatar

@odali – Been there, done that. I am with ya my friend.

bean's avatar

@ChazMaz O: you had it too?! it’s sensative for me cuz as odali said, my ex boyfriend is a prick and really used me at the same time, while I was trying to believe I was ok and paying for everything in the relationship because he was so lazy.

@odali wow…. i’m so jealous, you went and got her from hospital… you are like…. wow, if my boyfriend did that just once and nothing else i would be so thrilled to know I was loved.

CMaz's avatar

“O: you had it too?!”

I had someone in my life that had these type of “issues”. That I cared for, more then myself. But I married this person and spent 20 years trying to “fix” them. When we were first dating, we would get counseling. I will never forget what that person said.
He said, “are you two married?” We said, “no.” He said,” then why are you two here?”
I know what he meant, and I should have listened. BUt, we we soon in love. (sarcastic)

I wish I had the wisdom then that I had now. I would of had 20 years to be more constructive with the right and healthy person.

odali's avatar

I am going to have to leave fairly soon, is there any way to “revive” a topic, after I leave and come back?

@ChazMaz About Love turning into fixing someone? Sorry to hear that. That is always a shitty place to be, and honestly, seeing as I was not nearly as upset as I thought I would be.

@bean I didn’t even think about it. I don’t know if youve read the plague by camus, highly reccomended btw, but there is a line in there that was something like “we didn’t do it because it was the right thing to do, or to be a hero but because not doing it would be unthinkable”

odali's avatar

erm ” @ChazMaz seeing as I was not nearly as upset as I thought I would be about her sleeping with the other guy during the break, it might be turning into that already.. ”

bean's avatar

@ChazMaz does that mean… i’m in the same boat and in the wrong? :S for one year I supressed my depression… never angry, never upset, I was there for my ex boyfriend when he was depressed and he was afraid i’d leave him, I was there for him. He aways made small excuses and lies, and after a while it made me worse, but when I go to him for help, or ask him to come over, or i began to cry…. he’d ignore me, turn of his phone…
I’m not being sarcastic or angry or anything, I really want to learn and know what was wrong, what was right, or who is wrong….

odali's avatar

@bean I honestly think, especially because you were there for him, he should have been there for you. You can’t help depression, its not like youre trying to be depressed.. he’s a prick not you.

CMaz's avatar

I would say you both were. And, sometimes (usually) we tend to gravitate towards individuals with common issues. Or as the saying goes, opposites attract.

It is not meant to mean you like white and I like black. So we click.
It means, he is a sadist and she is a masochist. For example.

All we can do is learn from it and go forward.

bean's avatar

@odali thanks, your doing alot for her, but you really have done a good job, it’s time to give your self a break.

@ChazMaz ok

odali's avatar

Well, I would say so far it’s an overwhelming no.. Everyone but Dibley and mowens say, screw her. haha. I want to take this lull as an opportunity to thank everyone that has helped me so far. I really appreciate it.

odali's avatar

I have to get going, hopefully this can be revived somehow later… even if not, thanks again everyone!

Hydrogenbond's avatar

No, ha ha. Throw her away.

Rufus_T_Firefly's avatar

I understand that you love this person and that she claims to love you in return, but the excess and the drama and the unnecessary ping-ponging back and forth isn’t doing you or the relationship any good. You’re much better off recognizing this and severing things now than doing so at some point later in the marriage. I hope it all works out in your best interest.

Scooby's avatar

Time to go!! :-/

BoBo1946's avatar

Secrets for a long and fruitful relationship!

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

evandad's avatar

Why not? I did.

Just_Justine's avatar

Relationships are like tissue paper these days, if you don’t like it you scrunch it up and throw it away. I simply said that because that seems to be everyone’s advice to anyone on any answer site these days. Yes I understand people don’t want to be dragged knowingly into dysfunction, but you know there are feelings involved. If she is mentally ill, this is her responsibility. If you want to give her another chance and remain static nothing will change, the same pattern will repeat itself.

A shift needs to occur. So some ideas would be to put clear boundaries and rescue strategies in place. She would need to get assistance for her mental issues whether medicinal or therapeutic. Both of you need outlets and support networks. You need to study and learn her illness, she needs to manage it and understand the impact it is having on your guy’s relationship.

You need to stop being her bashing board, and tell her you love her but you are not going to be treated like shit anymore. Put it in plain English what you will not accept in terms of bad behaviour. If you love her and do all this, and it fails you really gave both of you one final chance. Then you can move on knowing you did your best.

Supacase's avatar

Run, run, run away. This sounds way too close to a relationship I had about 10 years ago. When it was good, it was excellent. We had so much fun! But then she would flip out over nothing. I cannot describe it any better than you did, although I do not know if the reason was the same. I felt I could not leave her because she had worked me and worked me until I was afraid to go against her. I couldn’t go to Walmart without telling her and then she would come with me. She had borderline personality disorder. It was hell. It was the single most miserable event of my life. Getting out almost killed me (literally). Get out now.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. If I may let me point out some things. “She has some mental problems that would explain this behavior, however she often cites that as an excuse for things.” Is she psychotic, schizophrenic, and such? Is her condition treatable my medicine or therapy and is she doing it? It is like she uses it to weasel out of bad behavior and you use it unconsciously to not ditch her.

“Recently it’s been getting worse, and she will flip out at anything I say to her, completely irrationally. She has broken promises, and I always have to walk on eggshells.” Once I get to the point I am no longer comfortable I am out of there. You have to feel comfortable in your relation or nothing can come from it. Walking on egg shells means you will never have open conversation about hardly anything. You will start to worry when you sleep what she might do to you or your home.

“On our last break she slept with someone else.” If it was an official and real break up then she was open at that time to sex up any one, if it were not an official break up but a hiatus then it is her bad and she probably missed the sex, thought she would get just as good with dude, it wasn’t so she was back at your door.

“We broke up again, about a week ago, because one of my conditions for getting back together with her is that she doesnt talk to that guy for a little while so I have time to get over it and forgive her for it. She was talking to him, and I got mad about it” She says she loves you and want to have your babies but her actions say little to that. Her actions show disrespect and that she is not will ing to budge or toss anything of hers on the table. It is like all she have you for is what you give her and using what is in your pants for her pleasure and not yours or the both of you.

“I am going to talk to her and tell her I am sick of being treated like this and don’t deserve it, especially because I treat her well (obviously much longer than that with examples and whatnot) either way, but my real question is…” Oprah says and it has to be a biggie when I have to go so much as to quote Oprah is that “No one can make you a door mat if you don’t lie in the doorway”
“Should I give her the option of having one last chance to stop being like this before I leave? I know the way I am, if I leave, I do not come back, and it would be permanent. And I am prepared to do that now.” Well your last line seems to be your true feelings you are tired of being the door mat and want better. But how can you find a woman who will really love and respect you until you move on? It is like a bike, no one can give you a shiny new one to ride if you refuse to dismount the old one.

phil196662's avatar

freaking out can happen to anyone, then she realizes she’s messed up. the question is if you tell her your not going to worry about it will she stop. And is she great in bed, I have a GF that visits several times a month from out of town and she’s on Prozac and several other things and she has these freak out times that are awful but once the wife and I get her on the couch and she relaxes she’s come back.

talk to her…

Silhouette's avatar

You need to figure out how deep the incompatibility is and you need to understand she won’t change just because you’ve drawn a line in the sand.

@phil196662 Ewww. LOL

HGl3ee's avatar

@phil196662 : I think I love you <3 Hehe

phil196662's avatar

@Silhouette ; I have met some great woman that had some_issues_ but when they landed they often were animals when it came to sex- how can it be ewwww

Silhouette's avatar

@phil196662 it’s apparently not an eww for you and the wife, more power to you. For me, sitting down on the couch trying to help the old man calm his girlfriend down is an eww The sex, well, can’t see myself putting up with all the drama for a little wild strange.

dogkittycat's avatar

I’d say give her a choice stop the ridiculous behavior and treatment or it’s over. In the end it’s your decision but this is just what I would do. I too was willing to work with a cheating but in the end it wasn’t worth it.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

This is a head game where you are proving your love by taking her back. This whole relationship is about her. Does it excite you to live on the edge with her and be in a volatile relationship? Does the angst she creates intrude on aspects of your life that it shouldn’t, like work, school, relationships with family and friends? Some guys are attracted to witchy demanding women because of the adenaline rush. I am guessing this is not the case, or you wouldn’t be on here.

Figure out what exactly it is that you love about her, and can you live without that aspect of her personality in your life.

wundayatta's avatar

Ah, the wonderful world of relationships with bipolar people! What a cruise!

How many times have I written about this here?

First, it sounds like her bipolar disorder is not under control. She needs to get on meds if she isn’t on them, and have her meds checked if she is on them. You both should get counseling, some of it together. You would really be helped if you go to a bipolar support group that is for both the sick and their support person.

I do all these things. The support group is the most important thing to me. It helps me more than anything.

Why does she leave and come back? Wow. Big question. There’s this weird, upside down kind of logic we have. We don’t believe we are lovable. We don’t believe anyone really loves us. We desperately want love. It is the only thing that seems like it might possibly fix us.

So, you’d think we would really treat someone nice who loved us? But no. Depression has it’s own weird ways. If I’m horrible and awful, then how could you possibly love me? It’s not possible. So why don’t you see that? You don’t see that, so I have to make you see that? I have to push you away. Push and push, and see if you really love me. Because if you do, you’ll keep trying despite my utter worthlessness, and if you keep on trying, then maybe there’s something in me that isn’t worthless.

Once a month, eh? That sounds about right. When I was getting sick, before I got diagnosed, I had about one new lover each month. The relationships had a very predictable cycle. Fall in love and be high for two weeks. Come to mistrust the love was real. Push away. Cause catastrophe. Be suicidal for a week, and then find someone else to love me.

I can’t stop, either. I have a wife who loves me and who I love, but it isn’t enough. I need more and more and more and it is never enough. I smother women with my neediness. They run like hell after a few weeks.

She has a different pattern, and I don’t know what she does on those two days away. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other men. Does she drink? Smoke? Any other addictions you know of? Mine is love—hardly a surprise there.

I’ve been working on my pattern for a couple of years in therapy, and while the pattern becomes clearer and clearer, the answer is still lost in the silty waters below. And it isn’t metal, so we can’t use any metal detector to find it. I’m reading a book about mindfulness, now. It seems to have a lot of potential for coping with the changing feelings, and especially with the depression. I’m not sure it’ll fix my empty place that only can be filled with infinite love. Yeah, yeah, sounds just like God, no? Not my answer, though. Even if it were, I couldn’t do it.

Right now, I’m writing my way out of pain. The faster I write, the easier it is to keep my mind off of what is hurting me. Killing me. But it won’t. I won’t let it. Still, it’s a very tough battle, and without support people, you can easily succumb.

I know this is hard for you. I know she is hurting you. I don’t believe she wants to hurt you, but this need that drives us makes us do really hurtful things. But she, like me, needs support. We’ll kill ourselves otherwise. That’s not meant to be a threat. It’s just a reality. 20% of us die of suicide.

I think what will help is knowing that when she pushes you and pushes you away, it’s not you. Don’t take it personally. It’s the illness doing that. If you love her as you can, and keep working her to get treated more appropriately, it will get better. It will take a long time. But it will get better. Meanwhile, don’t take the shit she says as real. She says it to drive you away, not because she wants you to go. She wants you to stay. But if you stay, that doesn’t fit in the world. If you are worthless, than nobody who is worthy should stay with you.

Good luck!

Wish me luck, too. I’d love to sleep tonight instead of obsessing. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. It’s worse because you can never know who you really are. Is this me, or is this my disorder talking? I wish I fucking knew.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

you sound like an understanding person – we are only getting your side of things so I am not going to say drop her – if you love her, get mental help for her – your list of things made my heart heavy – things must change if you are to stay with her and once you break up te next time, make sure it’s your last time and stick to it if that’s what you said you’d do.

Jeruba's avatar

If you really are just one last chance away from a permanent break, do you want to remain one last chance away forever? That’s a tough way to go on and on, assuming you even could. When would you ever back it off to two last chances, ten, a hundred? If you’ve already gone as far as you can go short of breaking it off, I don’t honestly see what you’re waiting for.

It’s nice to know you can make a deep connection with someone; there’s no reason to suppose that this unstable young woman is your only possible right match.

DrMC's avatar

I have been in this type of situation, and it’s really really hard. The harder you try to endure the worse it gets.

What you are being exposed to sounds a bit much, and obviously you endure because you love her. Pretty clearly you’ve had enough.

If you are married, you really really need to think about giving the spouse 12 months, at least to try to resolve the issue. marriage counseling, therapy, or at least having time to work out the separation. This just makes sense. Divorces make you lose your teeth (a lot of men in my town have experienced this).

If you are dating, you try and try. Eventually she will succeed in driving you away, or killing herself. She doesn’t sound adequately treated, and I agree with others above.

Do you owe her a second or last chance?

I can only say you already know this in your heart, or will soon. How’s that for a stupid answer. I’m also dead sure it’s correct. (I have a, um, ahem, certain ability you see).

Long ago I’ve learned from a statement “the best predictor of the future is the past” So many times I’ve seen this validated.

In marriage its worth trying to change the status quo if you cant take it anymore.

If you stay, ask yourself this, are you enabling this person to go on treating others, without facing the obvious consequences? Does applying a consequence achieve a long term better outcome for her?

bean's avatar

@odali I was reading something you wrote and you said she slept with some one else while you guys broke up? knowing that I would say definitly end it now. No more chances. When your depressed it doesn’t effect your wise desicion to still feel love and be faithful to the person who loves and cares about you. That was a desicion based on something else.
she doesn’t deserve you anymore.

wundayatta's avatar

@bean Nope. Sex and love addictions are very common among bipolar people. It has nothing to do with choosing to be unfaithful and everything to do with trying to a reason to live. When you have a hole inside you that is ten miles wide and a thousand miles deep, and the only thing that fills it is love, it is really hard to fight an opportunity to fill it. You can know better. You can kick yourself for doing it. You can wonder why you do it when you know it could cost you everything you care for. But the high is a higher high than any other drug (so my book says), and when most of your life is low, it can be nigh on impossible to resist.

That doesn’t mean we want to be with that person, or that we don’t love our spouses. In fact, it generally doesn’t mean anything close to that. It is about a fantasy of completeness. Most people either know they can’t be complete and it doesn’t bother them, or they know how to complete themselves. Most bipolar people have never known completeness; indeed, never even really known love. So it’s hard to feel it when it’s there, and some of us are constantly looking for something that will make a difference. Often, though, we may never know if we’ve found it, because it slaps us down after giving us a hint.

If he leaves her, she’ll feel it is exactly just, and she’ll punish herself even more. I don’t know if that is helpful, but that’s the way the world treats cheaters. Hardly anyone ever tries to understand. I don’t blame them. In fact, I wish we still had stocks and I could be in one and have nasty crap thrown at me until I collapse with exhaustion. If I’m lucky, they’d let me hang there in the cold and snow until I died of exposure. That would set the world right again.

bean's avatar

@wundayatta I know the feeling, I’ve had bi polar depression but I just kept trying to seek it from my ex boyfriend (when we were togather)... feeling like you are loved, and having sex makes you feel so loved. When I initiated sex to my ex he would not want to have sex with me but tried asking for a blow job instead (not that I did) I didn’t because I would feel more hurt and just ignore him.

I know the feeling of bi polar depression, i had bi polar depression and adjustment disorder with mood depression… how ever I’d rather die before I cheat on some one…. even when I’m extremely depressed, she knew what it was, she did it anyway.

bean's avatar

@wundayatta my ex boyfriend used me pretty badly…. and I’m not talking about he just didn’t want to have sex with me just for that day….. He’d want something sexual but he couldn’t be bothered having sex, and he stopped wanting me for quite a while… unless I made the first move, he never made a move on me. so obviously there’s something going on when you don’t want your girlfriend…. he was a jerk and it really hurt

wundayatta's avatar

@bean That makes me so sad. It seems like a cosmic joke how, so often, people are so mismatched, sexually. Perhaps there should be a law that people should pin their libido level on their front pocket. Then you’d find out about it before it was too late, and feelings were already involved.

Probably wouldn’t matter to most people, I guess.

bean's avatar

@wundayatta haha, it wasn’t the fact he wasn’t so sexual, I wasn’t very sexual either, it was because for months, never wanted me (he had no respect for me), and when he did other things like use me for money, back stab me, when he was depressed I was there for him when he was scared I’d break up with him, and when I go to him when I’m depressed he turned off his phone, ignored me…. then when he couldn’t be bothered any more, he broke up with me.

phil196662's avatar

Totaaly @Silhouette ; buy she would not be a stranger to us anyway, even the people in your life that are having it hard and are on meds tend to have some weird moments particularly when the meds get out of wack…

odali's avatar

@wundayatta & @bean I know she is very sexual, and so am I. We matched perfectly in bed. I’m the best she’s had and she’s the best I’ve had.. I’m not saying this out of cockiness, its just what shes told me over and over, that no one else even comes close.. The sex with her feels different than with anyone else, and its amazing.. We usually have sex 3–6 times a night.. and this might seem odd, but when she was manic… best sex ever.

DrMC's avatar

@odali – yes explosive passion, but every flame consumes the match or candle upon which it feeds.

odali's avatar

@DrMC Meh. Its not that the passion is extinguished its def still there, its that she treats me like shit now. Honestly, after this whole discussion, what im leaning toward doing is a friend with benefits thing with her, so we can still have our amazing sexual life, without the strings attached. We’ll see where it goes from there. But while that’s going on im not going to stop looking for a woman that appreciates me. And if I find one, well, the friends with benefits thing with her will end and shell have to deal with it. Not ready to commit? Too bad, I’ll leave when I find someone who is. Ill still help her, and we’re going to go to therapy sessions together, and as someone said earlier, support groups. I’ll just be a positive influence in her life, but right now I cant take all the worrying and bullshit she puts me through anymore.. she needs to grow up for one, and get better treatment for two, before we can bring our relationship any further.

How does everyone else feel about this course of action?

DrMC's avatar

@odali I have Ill defined misgivings. These types of adventures have never ended well for me. It is your decision, and part of me feels sympathy for her. She didn’t fool around on me though. She is ill. Is there anyway she can get proper treatment?

Just as you wouldn’t want to have sex with your wife right after a C section, I would think about your expectations carefully here. While she is crippled mentally, she is also quite unlikely to give you up easily.

the sex you plan on sharing could give her false hope. You already cant take her BS anymore. You are in a difficult bind. Don’t hurt her anymore than cant be escaped.

odali's avatar

@DrMC Well, I havnt talked to her yet, we corresponded a bit through text in the past day, and Friends with benefits was her idea. We are talking on monday about how we’re going to proceed. We have an interesting twist to the conversation though, and ill let you all know how it goes, but i dont want to sound like an idiot if that doesnt work, beforehand.

DrMC's avatar

Giving you advice could make you very pissed off at me, because nasty things could happen either way. You are the man on the ground, with access to the most info.

With her suggesting it, makes it a little less dicey. Does she understand the situation of things (and is this a desperate attempt to stop a breakup?)

When you marry, you become a team, through sickness and in health. You are not married here, if that is your level of commitment, then it’s clear what you must do.

When you are in marriage you can say things (like I’ve seen many wives succeed at – it’s the bottle or me.) both benefited in that situation.

If she is not treated or non-compliant then, her cooperation with therapy, could give you some hope that you wont be abused in the future. It’s important to remember that bipolar doesn’t just pack up and go. It’s a very destructive condition untreated, and not always good treated.

I still have misgivings. You must really love her.

bean's avatar

What odali said! agreed!

odali's avatar

Yes, I do. I told her, I’d stay with her through the best and worse, and I do honestly think its her sickness right now, partially… if not all – I think the other guy is what wun was talking about – doing anything to try to push someone away to see if they really care. That’s a trap though, I feel like. If I leave it’s not because I don’t care, but its because I care so much that it hurts. I don’t want her to hurt, and I don’t want me to hurt. I want her to feel as good about the relationship as I do, well, not at the moment, but when it is good. But even now, I do want to preserve it, I just want her to stop treating me like shit, because there is some insane underlying good there, that has just gotten covered up with all this crap, and I don’t really even remember when it started to happen.. I think it started getting a lot worse around the time one of her friends got into a serious car accident and was in a coma for awhile… not that long after that… it didnt seem like it affected her much when she wasnt directly thinking about it, but realizing the change.. it really was pretty soon after that she had been getting worse, this was one of her really close friends who shared a room with her at an institution.. now she is not the same at all due to a head injury.. I don’t think she makes that connection and I didnt until just now.. I think that could be part of it..

odali's avatar

@bean what did I say? the friends with benefits thing?

bean's avatar

@odali NO…. oops, so tired, meant to say what DrMC said, sorry my bad!

odali's avatar

@bean why not?

DrMC's avatar

@bean LOL

@odali If it’s like that, then how about marriage counseling before you get married – I don’t mean get married, I mean, If your going to give it the ole college try, then that’s a constructive way to work it through. (I’m not a marriage counselor, but I’ve seen my own hard times) – also, not to be old fashioned, but slow down on commiting to sex, you’ll just hurt her more.

I gots ta crash guys.

DrMC's avatar

@bean hey what time is it over there?

odali's avatar

@DrMC im not trying to hurt her more.. she is the one who wants fwb.. she doesnt want a relationship… that can only mean she wants to be with other guys, why should I not find other women who will appreciate me, it is the best of both worlds.. And it’s not like I’m not trying to do good to this relationship… we are going to go to counseling together and support groups. Figure out why her meds arnt working.. etc

odali's avatar

@DrMC and alright Dr, thank you for your help so far, sleep well.

odali's avatar

@bean… so why are you so against the friends with benefits decision? Its not really what I want, but she suggested it and I think maybe its a good place to start because we’d kind of be starting slow, without the pressure and maybe that will make things start to come back

DrMC's avatar

@odali oh, i’ve got it wrong then. FWB would devalue your intimacy. Sex is great, but long term, I’ve never been able to keep feelings from developing. A recipe for disaster.

It’s good to see you’re approaching it on all fronts. Is it possible to leave the question of sex out of it until you’re actually faced with the option? (covertly buy time?) It might give you clarity to sleep on the issue a bit. I’ve had my share of meaningful coincidences and dreams, given time.

I think you’ll both sort it out given time.

odali's avatar

@DrMC honestly… i dont think there is a way to leave that out.. she is very sexual.. If I tell her no, she will get it somewhere else, and I know I will completely give up if that happens..

Side note : my live preview of what i am typing is gone.. any way to get it back?

wundayatta's avatar

Let me say something about sex and bipolar disorder. Many of us are sex or love addicts. The reason, in my opinion, is that it is only during sex that we actually feel a strong connection with anyone else. We express that with such passionate sex, and so much sex because we crave that connection and it throws us into a state of euphoria that is much stronger, I suspect, than in ordinary people.

You are lucky to have this experience, and to be ready to handle it. I would give up just about everything I have for a woman who would share that with me. I’d give up my family, my savings and my brain for that. I’m not kidding. Without that, I feel so empty, I can’t stand it. I truly love my wife, and she is a wonderful person in all areas, except the one that, it turns out, is the most important to me.

Anyway—I’m just saying, that’s the way someone with bipolar disorder might think—although most of them are not as self-aware or articulate as I am. Nor do they have the protection of anonymity I have right now. So they might not see it or say it the way I do.

odali's avatar

@wundayatta I think that so many people have given me so much good advice on this, but you have helped me the most.. thank you so much… I think maybe the best way to proceed with this is to learn more about her sickness, and try to get through it together.. I may have to distance myself from her for a little while, but in the end I want it to help her.. If you don’t mind I’d like to tell her a little bit about what youve said, not where I got the information, just that I talked to someone that was suffering the same as she was, and it helped me move forward.. would that be okay with you?

odali's avatar

@wundayatta I think what was bothering me the most, about this, is that I just didnt understand it, I still don’t, really but am much closer to it… I will not be able to get close to her for awhile because I don’t want to get hurt, but I do want to keep her around in my life and get through this together.

wundayatta's avatar

Sure you can use it. Anything on fluther is free for anyone to use. But thanks for asking. I wish you well. I have great sympathy for her, and I know you have a hard job. You should talk to my wife. I have put her through a hell of her own. I don’t know why she stuck with me. Maybe I’m valuable when I’m not depressed. If I were her, I would have kicked my ass out the door a long time ago. Or maybe not. I’m kind of compassionate, too. ;-)

bean's avatar

i’m not making my self clear at all…. and now i don’t know whats going on anymore….
I have nothing against friends with benefits…. I was agreeing with what DrMC was saying…. sorry if that wasnt clear :S

@DrMC before it was like 12 pm in the afternoon, and now it is like 7.30 pm…. but i went to bed sooo late like 4 am

precious007's avatar

I’ve been going through a tough break up and I know how everyone feels.

Sometimes it’s just like there’s no way out of all the pain and sufferance.

The only thing that helped me out was Ryan Hall’s “Pull Your Ex Back” Guide that I would highly recommend to anyone going through a break up of divorce and sees no more hope.

http://www.mendlove.info/

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

I have read through all the posts and have some questions, if you don’t mind my asking… I have seen this pattern over and over in many relationships that I have had, as well, as others in my life. So a few questions for you: Howw did you meet? What was the first couple of months like? When did the Push/Pull start?

odali's avatar

@Holden_Caulfield We met at a coffee shop – she was the only one who made my coffee right.. From when we first saw each other, we had this really weird connection.. We both felt it – neither of us knew what it was yet.. Neither of us really wanted a relationship at first, we just were kind of friends with benefits, but neither of us wanted to be with anyone else, so we just kind of ended up being together. It progressed into love from there, although I kind of think it was always there. The first few months were amazing, and the time that we have where she is not trying to push me away is still amazing.. It was kind of there from the beginning, she would say she doesn’t want to see me anymore almost every month but, it only lasted 2 days, and she would come back apologizing, although lately it’s gotten a lot worse. In the beginning, I think she would do that because we’d literally be spending every day together and she just needed a break from me.. It is the oddest thing – I would have not taken this kind of treatment from anyone else in the world, but this weird thing we share, i’ve never felt anything like it in my entire life..

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

Thanks for the color around the beginning of your relationship…. helps to see how the pattern developed. You mentioned in an earlier post that you have had some LTR’s but this is the first one for her. Can I mean that to be that she is realtively young and inexperienced, or perhaps has been incapable of maintaining an LTR? Also, the disappearing act… You mentioned that you have spent every day/night with her over the relationship (other than your break and the 2 day leaves each month), so you have no doubts that she is coming home to you and does not have another life? Just follow me with this for a bit… I am trying to gain more insight…

DrMC's avatar

this does actually clarify it a bit

odali's avatar

Honestly, I’m not sure if she does have another life.. im about 85% sure, however not recently.. Thinking about it now, she has always been kind of shady, she did not want to be friends on myspace (which I dont even use anymore so I didnt think much of it, but the fact that she said she didnt want to flat out without me asking is kind of weird), and when I saw her looking at hers, she was still listed as single still after about 6 months into the relationship.. She doesn’t like that I talk to her friends, it seems as though she is hiding something.. To clarify, it’s her friends that gave me their numbers and talk to me, not me asking for theirs.. I honestly was just trying to be a good boyfriend and get along with her friends and be there for them as well when they needed support. However she got pretty touchy when she found out her friends and I had been talking.. Seems like she is trying to hide something..

Yes I think a big part of it is that she is inexperienced, and yes, her friends are all astonished it’s been this long with me, as well as her family, they say her normal cycle is to have a guy around for about a week and then push him away and move on, the difference with me is that she keeps coming back to me no matter what happens between us.. I think she really does want it and feels for me but doesn’t know how to handle this new feeling she has..

@DrMC what do you mean?

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

Interesting. I also recall you mentioning she has a child, but you also stated she has not had an LTR. Does she and her child live together? Do the three of you spend time together? Is there an Ex out there… Father of the child?

odali's avatar

Nooooooooooo.. she doesnt have a child, my ex girlfriend had a child, i was with her for a very long time, I was saying that the feelings that I had for the woman with the child who i rose dont even compare to this one..

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

Sorry, my misunderstanding. So as for the disappearing. And please know I am trying to get a closer picture with my questions… Other than a month at a time for two days were there any other patterns to the disappearing? Do you spend normal time together, or is at odd times? For instance certain days, only late late at night/early morning, etc. Or is your relationship pretty typical… You both work 8 to 5 jobs and spend evenings and weekends together?

odali's avatar

Nah, we spend pretty typical hours together, nothing odd.. started off when she worked at the coffee stop it would be odd hours because shed have to leave for work at 4 am but besides that, no pretty typical.. she hasnt had a job for a few months though, and when i am at work i have no idea what she is doing but im also not going to ask beyond, did you have a good day, because i dont distrust her, even after what happened, for some reason.

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

Fair enough. And again. my apologies for all the questions. Discussing relationships and looking at the dynamics typically takes a good understanding of the patterns and behaviors taking place, and of course the start point. Having said that, they are always different; no two being the same. But one can typically tie certain behaviors back to known patterns in other relationships and make a pretty good educated guess as to what is going on. So considering your feelings for her, it will be difficult for you to have any objectivity on this. Some things that are possibilites that contribute to what is going on may be tied to low self esteem issues in her. Not having a job, and having to rely on someone else for support may very well be increasing her anxiety and triggering more swings in her bi-polar, as based upon the fact that she pushes people away quickly too, which is a typical derative of low self esteem caused by enmeshmemt and/or aabandonment issues from childhood, and you mentioned she did something bad to herself and you had to rescue her from hospital,it is quite possible there is more going on than just Bi-polar. I am not a Doctor, but some of the thi gs you have described: self harm, raging, cheating, disappearing, push/pull, etc could very well be indicative on a Personality Disorder. Do some research amd see of any of the characteristics stick out to you. I would diagnose her, that is for a Doctor. Bit it may also five you more insight into why and what you can do to be self protective until you decide which path you want to take with this relationship.

odali's avatar

Yeah, she has been going to some pretty intensive therapy for a long time, since childhood, she definately has some of the things stated above without getting to close to her, although fluther (lol fluther is telling me fluther is spelled wrong) is anonymous i still feel odd giving out her personal information.. but yes, I know she has some issues, however that does not bother me at all, I would be there to help her get through everything and help her along the way if that is what she wanted, even if we did not stay together, i would be her friend and a positive example in her life.. would take her to therapy, and go with her, to support groups, etc.

Holden_Caulfield's avatar

I totally appreciate that and have the utmost respect for you in keeping her anonymous. I simply have seen some of these same behaviors in some relationships and certain things stick out to me. One thing I can say is that should you choose to stay… The road will be bumpy at best, and it can lead one to actually develop coping skills that can create issues for you in future relationships were this one not to work out. And then there is the possibility that she will get better, and leave you as a part of growing and healing. All things to consider. But you are a man and you must make those decisions on your own, and deal with whatever consequences there are. I wish you the best!

bean's avatar

@odali im jealous, your like…. superman in this relationship…. hahaha

odali's avatar

@bean hahaha thank you, I don’t really see it that way, it’s just what I think someone should do for someone if they love them, but if only she saw it even 1/100th of like that, even saw that I loved her and was trying to stand by her through her tough times, this relationship would not be where it is.. We talk tomorrow after I get out of work. We’ll see how it goes. She has been texting and calling me a lot more recently, within the past few days, texting good morning to me every morning, talking throughout the day, wanting me to call her at night.. i think she is starting to either miss me or feel me slipping away, however we don’t say we love eachother anymore.. kind of sad..

bean's avatar

@odali awwww, it’s difficult ye :( but you are doing so much for her, and STILL in contact… i’m just so surprised and happy you still do things like that, its really good too.
I like how people say they love some one and really show it by doing what they can or what they believe is right in a relationship and for the other person when things get tough.
:D

you should think like that! you have done a good thing here.

odali's avatar

@bean I have a very bad feeling about how this is going to play out tomorrow, but I suppose it’s nothing I can change either way, I just need to wait and see what happens. She is optimistic.. we agree that we hate that all we end up talking about is relationship stuff, and its bothering both of us, so I think we could end up working through this, but only if we’re both willing to figure out what’s wrong and go from there, otherwise, it will not work..

bean's avatar

@odali exactly! and the good thing is she’s trying and you are too. It’s great your trying to work things out, no one is a lost cause… and no one has done anything wrong in the relationship, she’s just in a very difficult state right now, and so are you having to keep from becoming insecure your self and not take anything personally, but in the end you both don’t want to be unhappy, and neither does she want to be like this too. hope things work out for the both of you.

odali's avatar

@bean Well, she did sleep with someone else.. but i am over that now, hopefully we can just move forward.. and thank you. =)

bean's avatar

@odali it’s wonderful how your very forgiving, but don’t be too forgiving! ok, do what’s best for you because in the long run you want to be happy, and you guys don’t want to be fighting all the time too. I don’t know what to tell you, or what advice to give you just make sure you do what your happy with. One thing though, her sleeping with some one else already makes me mad, and when some one is depressed thats no excuse… I was extremely depressed and down but it didn’t affect the fact I if i have feelings for some one, or if i’m with some one I would DIE before sleeping with some one else, I just have the feeling it can happen again… and after everything you did for her and she has the nerve to just sleep with some one else.
anyway, take care and hope you really get through this with a positive outcome x

odali's avatar

@bean thanks again.. and we were technically broken up, but she broke up with me for no reason at 2am and slept with him that day.. we had made a promise that after we broke up we would both wait a month before sleeping with someone else to be sure we were over, because of how much we break up.. but she said (to her friends too) that when she was doing it all she could think of is me, and she felt physically sick after doing it, and it just felt wrong, that she loved me, etc.. and that in a way she hates that she did it but she also is glad she did it because she has no doubt in her mind now that she loves me… or loved. whatever. I had a hard time believing her before, but for some reason, something has happened over the past week, that I realized i do still trust her for some weird reason against all best possible judgement. who knows, we will find out how we proceed tomorrow. I know im not going to take bullsh*t treatment anymore but i dont think im even going to say that.. she will know by the way i act.. i dont think I want to talk about that kind of thing with her very much to be honest, if she just starts treating me like that again i just will move on. Basically tell her i think it deserves one last chance, for both of our peace of mind if nothing else. if it stays shitty, then it stays shitty and at least we know we gave it one last shot, and can walk away from it knowing we really did try, rather than regretting, thinking what happened if we gave it that last shot.

bean's avatar

@odali good on you, that is a good way to approach it, you know what you’re doing, so there is no problem, good luck!
haha, my ex boyfriend said A LOT of things to me…. like beings friends and really emphasizing on things like that, that it WILL happen and we will stay in each others lives…. among other things he said to me…. total lies and never happened…. despite how much it hurts…. best he let me go so now I can really see he doesn’t deserve me.

odali's avatar

@bean thank you for the luck.. and you are right he certainly does not deserve you.

It went fairly well yesterday. Instead of letting her take charge of the situation, I asked her if she wanted to start, and she was kind of emotional so I took the reigns. I told her I was sick of all the fighting crap and cant do that anymore. If we can go back to just having a good time and appreciating eachothers company, i want to give it one last chance. If that doesnt work out, then I am more than ready to walk away. Over the past week, I did not even want to give it a last chance, but in the past couple days I realized I wanted to. I told her about @wundayatta had said to me, about bipolar and how support groups helped him, and researched some, and found one we can go to. I said, I had talked to someone with bipolar and he had said that support groups had helped him more than anything else, and I had found one you could go to, if you want. I said I will go with you if you want, or I will just drop you off, and pick you up when you are done. She said she wanted me to go with her. I told her I wanted to just take things slow so we don’t get overwhelmed in trying to make everything come back at once and get frustrated and start fighting again. She said she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. I told her I didn’t either, but we are still sitting here talking, and that means something, I think it is because we have been fighting so much for the past month and a half, and for the past week we have been trying to convince ourselves that we do not love eachother and do not want to be together. I think the love is still there, it’s just buried under all this crap we’ve been shoveling onto it. I said I think it will come back, but if it doesn’t then it doesnt. I’ll still help her through everything, and try to be a positive influence, either way.

She said she wanted to be FWB, and I said I wanted to stay together.. I said.. I really don’t want to fight anymore, I want to just come to a compromise that makes us both happy, and I wouldnt be able to do FWB with her not just because of other guys, but because us both being with other people and eachother is disgusting to me. She said okay, so how about we are exclusive friends with benefits. We agreed on that. She said see, well, at least now that we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, we can never break up. What’s the difference between that? I don’t know. But, it’s pretty damn close to what I wanted and she wanted, so it seems like a good thing. As soon as I left to go back to work, she sent me a text saying she was so happy with how our talk went, and has been very sweet to me since. We’ll see how it goes!

Thank you all for all your help, it has certainly influenced my decision and I feel much more confident about it after hearing all your opinions. I will keep this updated with any recent developments, in case any of you would like to follow up on it!

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@odali Now that is what you call negotiation, just like a union is suppose to be, better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. Seeing you have every opportunity to bail and didn’t there might just be something there you can salvage :-) Good for you!

bean's avatar

@odali that sounds like a good outcome. though just be careful, being friends with benefits can be messy… good luck :)

odali's avatar

@bean yeah def… ive been distancing myself from it a lot.. i wont text her unless she texts me.. even then its not the long responses im used to giving its just what needs to be said.. going to play it guarded for awhile.. keep my options open and expect nothing so im not hurt if it doesnt work out

bean's avatar

@odali good idea, your already playing smart :) I just reckon there is some one else out there who you are going to have a wonderful relationship with, moving on is hard, especially when you have given her so much in return and she doesn’t respect that.
with what ever you choose you have my support x

odali's avatar

@bean =) thanks a lot bean i appreciate everything youve done, its very admirable that you don’t even know who I am and you have helped me a lot. Thank you.

bean's avatar

@odali hahaha, well I’m glad my advice was useful :)

odali's avatar

Well, my birthday is in about a week. She may be in another state to see her mother, she told me if shes not around to get some good birthday sex as a free pass, because she feels bad about sleeping with the other guy. I didn’t say I wasn’t going to, but im not going to, it wont make things any better. I told her I was over it, dont feel bad about it because i know she wouldnt cheat on me if we were together, and if we break up again im walking because i know what happens when we do, she said alright. but I still have a free pass.. hah, weird situation.

DrMC's avatar

@odali it seems you’ve found a position that is working for you, and she concedes to working harder in some sort of therapy.

Her behavior speaks reluctance to commit to you, but there is a bit of a pattern to that. The willingness to indulge in other relationships could reflect that in small part. There is probably understandable root causes to her behavior.

I think you are several steps forward now. You’ve given her clear limits, with a consequence you will be forced to apply. Once a line in the sand is drawn and challenged you’ve got your foot into something nasty.

I sincerely hope you wont be put in that position. Unfortunately the best predictor of the future is the past. If you can accept that, and just enjoy the time you have, then, no worries. If you think she’s a new person, you may wind up dissapointed.

This is a brave angle. Hopefully she will rise to your expectations, and not fall to mine. Maybe you both will learn in the process and have some fun regardless.

odali's avatar

@DrMC Thanks. I don’t expect she’s changed and i full well expect this to be over very soon, but you never know. I’m not getting my hopes up. And yeah i am prepared to follow through now, I cannot take a crap relationship anymore no matter how much I care for her. If she does something stupid again, i will walk away and not look back, it will hurt, and i hope i wont have to do it, but if I do, it is what I need to do.

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