I just wrote a letter to another friend this morning (you can see a sanitized version on my blog) about getting over the breakup of an internet relationship—something, I might add, that I have far too much experience with.
She met a guy from Wales over the internet. They fell in love. They visited each other. They like each other and the kids liked him. It was a big hit all around. It was time for him to move to the US.
He wouldn’t. He kept on dragging his feet. Finally she gave him an ultimatum, and he said he had to let her go free.
She was devastated. She felt like she’d been sold a bill of goods. At the beginning of the relationship she had told him that she wanted to make sure that if it worked out,, he would move. He kept on saying he wanted to go forward. But when the chips were down, he folded.
I think that people get involved in things over the internet, not really expecting for things to get real. Somehow, its this fantasy sandbox we can play in. But down the line, when things start getting serious, people start to realize what they are doing—moving countries, becoming fathers, living with someone who is bipolar, and they freak. They realize that they didn’t sign up for this, not really. It was cool while it was a fantasy, but to meet in reality? Uh-uh.
This has happened to me, and it was devastating—doubly so because there was no one I could talk to about it—except more internet people.
The contact business doesn’t bother me. I’ve seen it a gazillion times. Someone wants something, but when they get it, they don’t need it any more or its become irrelevant, but it is embarrassing to tell the person who went out of her way to provide it that her work was for nothing.
Funny thing. The last internet relationship I had was with a woman who was living with her parents. The moment we had an opportunity to meet, she cut it off in one curt email, and I never heard from her again. She knew a lot about me. I had sent her some rather embarrassing videos and pictures.
She could do a lot to hurt me. In addition to what she already did. Perhaps I am foolish, but I believe, despite the way she treated me, that she is an honorable person, and she won’t try to hurt me.
I don’t think people set out to get over on someone on the internet—not usually. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes things go in unexpected directions. You’ve known this guy for six years. You know him pretty well. Probably as well as anyone. You can assess what he will likely do if you break up. You just have to make the prediction and go with it.
What you should not do is let yourself be held hostage by whatever it is he holds over you. You say he holds your life, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to believe that. It seems unlikely. More like you are afraid, than it is literally true.
My guess is that the relationship is over. He or you might not want to believe that, but it’s over. Breaking up? I don’t know. I vote for fast and certain, but that also hurts like hell. I guess I would amend that to say fast and certain with a heads-up and an explanation. Then boom! It’s gone forever.
If I had to guess about his behavior afterwards…. well I don’t really know you and I don’t know what kind of people you choose. I feel very confident that the people I trust with my life are trustworthy, even after the relationship ends. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. They all said they cared for me even afterwards. Several remained friends.
I don’t know about your situation, but that’s the assessment you have to make before you decide which action to take.