No, I do not put them first. Nor do I put myself or our children first. And yet, I do all I can for her. Because all I can has to do with all the other things I have to do, including things I do for me. In fact, I believe I do all I can for everyone I care about in my life. It might not be a lot, but it is all I can.
I think this is a very important thing for me to have learned. I have been doing so much to please other people, so much to perform for others so they will like me or love me, that I have managed to open the door to depression, which nearly killed me, and could kill me yet, and then where would all the people I care about be?
So I think I am going to take a little more for myself, because I have been far too unhappy for far too long. I am going to be proud of myself for doing the best I can, even though I have hurt a lot of people in my life. I have good motives and I screw up. A lot. I’m sorry. But I am satisfied that I have done what I can do. I have not been shirking. I have not been tanking it. I have done what I can, and it didn’t match up to what I thought I should do, and that was the wrong way to think.
It’s not as if I am out of that particular briar patch, yet. I still have a million messages telling me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it and what I should accomplish and how far I have fallen and how failure is certain. But I’m going to try to do all I can to quell those messages, for they only keep me from doing all I can for those whom I love.