I have also talked about this in response to janbb’s question: http://www.fluther.com/disc/76227/how-much-should-outside-affirmation-play-a-part-in-ones-self-esteem/
In our parenting we have focused on helping our children be internally/intrinsically motivated. Which practically means we rarely offer generic praise and say things like “good job” or “you’re great”. This doesn’t mean we are dour or don’t provide ‘positive reinforcement’, we can be quite animated and excited in our interchanges. We even believe that we are positively enforcing an internal sense of motivation. We also believe that it helps our children understand that behaviors, while reflective of who they are, do not define who they are.
For long example, today was my son’s last hockey game of the season, it ended as a tied game. He game off the ice and approached me with the biggest smile on his face! I returned the smile and offered a high five. The first thing out of my mouth was “Look at that smile, what did you think of the game?” He proceeded to give an elaborate description filled with all sorts of emotions and questions. It was wonderful to hear questions that were not geared towards “how did you think I did?” but rather “did you see when I did such and such with the puck?” He pointed out mistakes that were made as well as the great plays. He said he felt happy, felt like he did good work, and looked forward to learning more during summer camp. Finally, after the pizza feast was over, the last “see ya later’s” were said, and we were slugging the equipment back to the car he asked me “what did you think of the game?” I pointed out something another player and he did that was quite dazzling stating “I yelled so loud and was so excited!” and noted a play where he ended up flat on his butt and said “that must have hurt”. To which he responded with yet again getting lost in his experience of the game.
Neither of my children are people pleasers. They generally integrate experiences as right or wrong and worth doing for themselves, based on their internal barometer, rather than our tacit approval (or disapproval). While they certainly don’t disdain it when someone directly and generically praises them with a “good job” or “that’s terrific” they certainly don’t think something is off when they don’t hear such kudos. Our approach also effects their relationship with negative evaluations, but that is for another topic.
Finally, I am not saying our parenting approach is exclusive to making this happen or that it will even work for another family. I am saying it has worked for ours.