@Symbeline I wasn’t quite sure I understood your reference to people not wanting to be near you. Is that because you are poor? Or would eat shit-contaminated food?
In any case it reminded me that a lot of people don’t want to be near homeless people. They often smell and look very grubby and somewhat dangerous.
The homeless, for me, became a symbol of how awful I felt when I was depressed. I felt so bad, I thought I should be homeless. Maybe even dead. If I ever do become homeless it will be because I am punishing myself for some reason. Or maybe because I become manic and give away everything.
But it’s funny. I now look for a piece of myself in every homeless person I see. I feel like I understand homelessness better. I don’t know if this is true, though. Maybe it’s just some kind of conceit I have. I don’t want to be homeless (at the moment). I don’t want to spend my time trying to help them. But I do want them to be supported to get out of their situations if that is what they way. And if not, and I believe there are a few who don’t want to be anywhere else —people for who an illness is the preferred state—then I have changed my policy and am much more likely to give out money.
If they want to spend it on drugs or alcohol, it not longer bothers me because I now understand the pain that leads to that form of medication. I would not want anyone to have to suffer that pain without something to ease it, even if it is a dysfunctional med.