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lawlipop's avatar

In desperate need of relationship advice. Help?

Asked by lawlipop (433points) May 23rd, 2010
22 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

A friend of mine is in a bit of a situation, and asked me to post this question on my fluther. His words exactly:

“Okay, well right now I’m in a relationship with a girl, have been for a couple months now, and really like her. We’ve both been through a lot of things and have been hurt badly before. I could say I love her as much as I am capable of loving someone right now. About a week ago, we had some problems. From what she said, I betrayed her and she was really hurt by what I did, something involving another girl and me flirting too much or something to that effect. I still don’t know what it is that I did, and she refuses to tell me. I convinced her to forget everything that I did and for us to get back to where we were before.

Since the start of our relationship, everyone except for her friends have been opposed to the relationship. Mostly because, a little over a month prior to my meeting her, there was a complicated situation I had with another girl where I was lead on and then deeply hurt and sent into a deep depression when I skipped school for about a week, and then stayed depressed for a good time. My current girlfriend has been a bit difficult in doing some really trivial things like even labeling us as being in a relationship, yet insisted that she really cares about me and just needed a little bit more time to get over some things. Because of that, everyone I talked to, even my best friends have told me that she is a tease, indecisive, leading me on, and using me. They have told me that she isn’t worth getting hurt over and to leave her. I refuse to listen to them and trust her saying that she wants to be with me and she’s not using me to get over anyone or anything like that. Now the real problem…

Apart from that, I’ve had a longstanding issue with a once good friend of mine. She, in the past year or so, had a lot of things in her life take a turn for the worse, and she became heavily involved with alcohol, marijuana, and most of all cutting herself. I drifted apart from her and wasn’t there as she got worse and worse. I want to say 3 or 4 months ago, I found myself saving her after she tried to kill herself. I talked to her a lot and tried to help her with her issues starting after that.

I had hoped that she would begin to improve to some degree, but to my misfortune, adding onto her addictions and great self esteem issues, her life began to deteriorate as most of her remaining friends disassociated themselves with her and people she knew started to sexually exploit her insecurities. Her home life began to crumble as her parents fought every day and occasionally took out their rage on her. As a result of this she dwelled upon the thought of suicide more and more heavily despite my great assistance in giving her resolve for living. It has come now to a point where she is completely reliant on me for the will to live and she has convinced herself that she loves me and cannot and will not live without me. I truly care for her well being and safety, but could never share those intimate feelings with her.

This coming back to my current relationship… This second girl is pressuring me to leave my girlfriend and have sexual relations with her, and I can’t help but feel tempted due to the current issues and everyone opposing my relationship. But inside of me I know that things will work out with my girlfriend and I don’t want to lose her or hurt her, ever. I feel myself stuck in an impossible situation, as I don’t want my friend to die, nor do I want to see anyone die. And at the same time it seems to me the only way to keep her alive is to risk losing the girl I care about more than anything by breaking my promises to her that I will never cheat on her. Can anyone give me some advice?”

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Silhouette's avatar

Take a break from both of them. Get away from the drama before you OD.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I agree with @Silhouette. Take a break from both of them. It sounds like there is a lot going on and the fact that your girlfriend won’t even talk about what you did to hurt her is a sign of the conflict resolution the two of you will face in the future.

augustlan's avatar

Your ex is relying on you for her sole reason to live? That’s no good at all. She needs far more help than you can give her, and should be referred to a professional… asap.

lawlipop's avatar

@Silhouette @Seaofclouds @augustlan
I’ve told him that he should end his relationship, and that the other girl should seek help from a professional. He refuses to listen to me, and insists on continuing his current relationship, AND fraternizing with the other girl. To be honest, it’s pretty frustrating.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@lawlipop Then there is nothing you can do for him. If he’s not willing to do anything about his situation, then all you can do is be a friend for him.

lawlipop's avatar

@Seaofclouds Well, he did ask me to post this question for him, so obviously he wants some kind of help. Is there anything he can do besides breaking off both relationships?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@lawlipop As long as he is being a crutch for his friend, she will not seek other help because she’s become reliant on him. She needs professional help and to stop being reliant on him for her reasons to live. Being sure that he keeps solid boundaries and that she gets professional help are the best things he can do for her. As far as his girlfriend, if he wants to let her treat him the way she is and ignore problems they’ve had already, then he’ll learn the hard way about what his future will hold. We teach others how to treat us by accepting the way they treat us. He’s showing her that it’s okay for her to dump him and then never tell him why and he’ll take her back. He’s showing her that they don’t need to work through problems, that he’ll just forget them instead. That’s not healthy for any relationship.

LocoLuke's avatar

He should most definitely refer his friend to professional help. Professional help just that – professional, meaning they have studied scenarios like this quite extensively and had the chance to explore possible solutions that the average person would either not think of or carry out as well. As much as your friend thinks he’s helping his friend by being there for her, he’s probably doing more harm than good by placing himself in the position of a crutch (displacing the problem and putting it off until later), as Seaofclouds has said, rather than seeking to solve the source of her depression.

stemnyjones's avatar

He should call the police and tell them that the girl is threatening suicide if he doesn’t leave his girlfriend and be with her. Once when my sister was like 12 she offhandedly mentioned killing herself in a chatroom and the cops showed up at our door.

SmoothEmeraldOasis's avatar

Communication is the key to better relationships. Knowing yourself and what you want for yourself is essential. Make a list of pro’s and con’s on both girls and yourself and weigh them out to your advantage. Ask yourself, “How much drama do I want to accept int my life?”.

Bagardbilla's avatar

Sit with your current friend and let her know deeply you care about her. Tell her you have to do this for your former girlfriend because she has no one else. THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO! Assure her that you are not & will NoT be intimate with her, it’s only as a friend. And if she wants to hold off till then, fine. If not, then you don’t need that jealous type around anyway. I suspect if she cares about you enough, she’ll wait.
Go back to your former GF and do what you need to get her professional help, WITHOUT getting physically involved! it will be tempting, and she will try… do not sccumb (sp?).
This way you’ll distance yourself from both, and staying true to your commitment as a friend.
It’s not the easy path, but one well worth taking, for your own self! If you’re true to yourself and kind and honest towards others, all else works itself out.
Best of luck to you.
at the risk of sounding fatherly, I’ll say it anyway. I’m proud of you for being concerned for both, but more importantly for trying to do right thing.

Silhouette's avatar

@lawlipop You can’t help them what won’t help themselves. You should take a break from him.
Don’t be the third girl in the drama ring.

LocoLuke's avatar

@SmoothEmeraldOasis I wouldn’t advise calling the police unless there is imminent danger – a 51–50 (police code for person attempting to commit suicide) must be reported on many job applications and may result unwanted repercussions. Use it only as a last resort, such as if you know the person is going to attempt suicide in the near future and has the means to do so.

SmoothEmeraldOasis's avatar

Hmm, you have a point there LocoLuke, I appreciate the perspective. I myself from personal experience would just be upfront and frank with all individuals involved and make sure that everyone is on the same page. And just be a sounding board for them, to keep my personal life less stressful. Let me know what you ultimately decide on. I hope that either way you end up with peace, harmony in your life. ;-)

Cat4thCB's avatar

you may think this post blunt and insensitive, but this question has raised my hackles and requires strong words.

I am more disconcerted by the plight of the women than I am the boyfriend; both women have been shabbily treated.

RE your “once good friend”: she can live without you. you are not the “only way to keeping her alive”. Do you really think that you having sex with her will be any different than all the other sexual abuses she’s suffered? would a kind, thoughtful friend take advantage of a traumatized girl on the edge of suicide? especially after he “found himself saving her” and gave “great assistance in giving her resolve for living” and she become “completely reliant on me for the will to live” (right here is where we take a time out to look around for some perspective, maybe a few scraps of humility, and to think to ourselves, “Do I really have that much authority and power over another human?”).

this poor girl needs intensive therapy from a trained professional, not off-the-cuff advice from someone asking whether it is okay to cheat on his girlfriend.

RE your current relationship: there is never—NEVER—a valid reason for being unfaithful. adultery is not in keeping with showing tender care to “the girl I care about more than anything”. if you feel the need to cheat a mere three months into a relationship because the two of you have “issues” and you feel “stuck in an impossible situation”, then you are too immature for any kind of relationship. if she says that she needs time to get over some things, let her have it. she has been hurt before and you’ve just hurt her again (something you seem to have the need to disrespectfully trivialize); clearly, she is attempting to protect herself by getting away from you.

just a small FYI: yours is not “an impossible situation”. an impossible situation is choosing whether to pay the heat bill or the electric bill because you don’t have the money for both. an impossible situation is having to quit your job and go on disability because both your kidneys, completely full of cancer, have been removed and now you need four hours of dialysis every other day. an impossible situation is having your house foreclosed on and moving into a two-bedroom apartment with three kids. those are impossible situations, not this who-should-I-have-sex-with-next soap opera you’ve got going.

in short: on the one hand you, too, need intensive therapy from a trained professional for your depression. on the other hand, you’re an idiot. please steer clear of all women until you are able to comprehend and practice loyalty, humility, commitment, morality, trust, devotion, dedication, and all the other qualities possessed by a caring, loving man.

stemnyjones's avatar

@Cat4thCB Hope you’re feeling okay..

redone's avatar

So, what are your options? I’m going to answer as if I were relating to the person who needed advice. You don’t seem to want to be a constant care giver and you seem to feel that your friend is doing things so that she can get “care”, from you specifically. What would happen if you were to go on a vacation, say 1 to 3 weeks, to clear your mind? While on this vacation, ask your self how you want to be perceived. A flake? A very reluctant care giver? Or a friend who tells the god honest truth and lets your needy girl decide her own fate. There are so many therapy groups that can help her. Take her to one. She can even continue to be needy, say in group therapy, or learn to care for her self. It’s up to her. All you can decide is how you want to procede. You can’t make decitions for her. If you are the type that feels the need to help out, understand that you really aren’t helping her, unless you let her find her self. If you don’t want to be there when she does that, it’s ok. But at least tell her the truth. You may find out that she really didn’t need your help after all and is just going through times and situations that are beyond her control. How would you want to be treated your self, if you were in her shoes? Don’t take too long to figure it out, cause time’s a waisting and she might want a real relationship, too.

redone's avatar

Here’s a thought for the person that posted this. You could let the needy girl know what her care giver really thinks and feels by sending her this post w/pic of him and the new chick. If I were in her situation, I’d want to know. It might hurt, but she should know. No one is a mind reader.

SmoothEmeraldOasis's avatar

@Cat4thCB, I am so awed at the way you plainly cleared up that question. I wish I had known or had access to this site when I needed perspective. You are rignt, feelings do affect us all, some of us for some reason don’t realize the inner strength that we have, until most times too many years have passed. Both women in this case need to open their eyes and decide on what it is life they want to be in a controlling position by another individual or by themselves. Communication is KING! ;-)

Cat4thCB's avatar

@SmoothEmeraldOasis i truly do not know how to properly respond to your comment other than to say thank you and that i’m glad my remarks were helpful.

SmoothEmeraldOasis's avatar

Kool and your response is very appreciated. Have a wonderful day! ;-)

slopolk's avatar

Your current girlfriend needs a little bit of a chase , if she knows she’s got you hanging on a string then there is no threat of loosing you, as she sounds like she might be indecisive, because maybe someone one else gives her that chase but its not a for sure thing like you are. Don’t make yourself so readily available to her, and give your relationship some mystery, let her know that your not that easy. If she wants you she’ll have to chase you as well. As far as your suicidal friend, it sounds like you really need to get her some professional help, You can’t be expected to be this girls savior after all your only human. Thats alot of pressure to have riding on your shoulders. If this girl has been previously exploited, because of her sexual behavior, than more than likely she now thinks of sex as away to get you to love her. Unfortunatly this maybe why she is exploited, don’t you be like the other guys that have taken advantage of her in her past, Be a true friend to her be honest and, dont fall into a trap that will only make that relationship worse. Good Luck

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