@john68 I was wondering, if a friend of your has a not very attractive SO, do you judge them or care? If the SO has a great personality, funny, smart, empathetic, accomplished, would their appearance still stand out to you? Again, I am not accusing you of being shallow, I am going to guess that you in the end don’t really care what a friend’s SO looks like. My point is, probably your friends are the same. You are worried about something that needs no worry.
I don’t think you are shallow for wanting to find your SO attractive, I think you are being a little insecure by worrying what your friends think, or have picked a bad set of friends. If you are very young I get it, but if you are over the age of 25 I suggest to you that people who are so worried about the surface, vanity, feeling better about themselves by bragging about what they have accomplished or how beautiful their SO is, showing off their house, or cars, being around people like that is exhausting. I have a family member who surrounds herself with people like that, and she never feels good enough, and seems to engage in putting others down to make herself feel better. When I am with my friends I feel at home, comfortable, happy to just be with them. No competition.
I may have read too much into your question, if so, sorry for the long answer.