Firstly, thanks to all for your input.
When I said brutal, I guess I just meant that we hate that there is any riff whatsoever between us, we both take it really seriously and so, we hurt. We don’t have a freeforall, no holds barred fight. We don’t take cheap blows—we “fight,” I think, because we’re both tremendously frustrated that we’re actually having a difference of perspective—which is stupid, I admit, but that’s definitely our predicament.
He has been diagnosed with anxiety and (very seldom) suffers panic attacks.
My take is that, our disagreements, etc., are within the boundaries of normal communication for couples—that is to say, I don’t believe they are symptomatic of any great, fundamental flaw in our relationship. My concern is that things can get blown out of proportion during these times because of his anxiety—i.e., he takes small arguments to mean that we have huge problems in our relationship. Also, his stress is easily augmented.
If we’re having a disagreement, it’s a small stress for me (I simply have a high threshold) and a big one for him, then we try to speak about things and that adds to his stress. It’s a really fast-acting agent and I think we always find ourselves arguing about the WAY we’re arguing instead of just discussing what we disagreed with in the first place. Dig? His anxiety seems to cloud his responses and his thought processes. His mind filters what I say and does not allow him to hear me as he normally would in a calm state. Meanwhile, I want to resolve things but I have to wait until he’s calmed down and **if I misjudge** whether he’s totally calm or not I just end up re-instigating an argument and things escalate yet again.
My dilemma is that if I walk away from the situation for a while, take a breather or whatever, I end up feeling like I haven’t stuck up for myself and I’m worried that I will always be pandering to his stress and be at the mercy of his moods. And I know it’s not HIM, it’s just his neurons firing in an inconvenient way. I’m feeling so stuck.
@jerv—That seems very helpful. I don’t think I have been very aware of my tone and body language and I will definitely take that on board.