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shoebox's avatar

Is it ok to ask my fiance about his past relationships and why do I feel this way?

Asked by shoebox (517points) August 27th, 2010
24 responses
“Great Question” (1points)

Out of curiousity I ask my fiance alot of questions about his past relationships… At the beginning he lied alot about what he did, and who he dated… but later on he explained it wasnt true because he’s never bothered to correct anyone, becuase they assume what kind of person he is, so he use to always pretend to be some one he’s not…. but after hearing the ‘truth’ 4 or 5 times, I still feel like there’s more to it. I know he loves me… we do alot for eachother and I appreciate and love him.
He know’s I get a little crazy if he goes out to a club with his friends… for example, I want him to just have fun… despite how i feel, and sometimes its hard for me to just feel ok when he goes out… I tried to urged him or just let him know he should really go to hard kandy for his friends 21st but I couldnt even get through the night with out having a panic attack because of my stupid imagination…. but he surprised me and came over when it finish at 7am just to make me feel better, and that was really sweet… I want to understand why I feel like that, and what I can do to make him feel like he doesnt have to worry about me. I want to stop feeling so curious about his past relationships….. I want to stop feeling hurt or anxiety when I think about is past at all… I want to understand why I even feel this way.. If any one could explain it to me and what I can do I’d appreciate it so much :)

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tedd's avatar

His past is his past and it has no bearing on your relationship now. Its unfair to hold things he did before dating you (and possibly before having even met you) against him. Do yourself a favor and don’t ask about his past, because I promise the answers will just make your stomach cringe.

It sounds like you’re too paranoid that he’s going to cheat on you or something. Stop. Until he gives you reason not to trust him, trust him.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Sure it’s ok to ask. But before you drive him away with these questions, consider demonstrating your confidence and security in the relationship, rather that reinforcing your insecurities upon him.

CMaz's avatar

Let it go. It is the past.

shoebox's avatar

ok, sounds doable haha, thanks to @tedd, your right, but everyones right…. it is the past. whats done is done. I should just leave it and trust him :)

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

If it really seems to bother him, let it drop. The most important thing is that he is committed to you in the here and now.

My fiance and I have been totally open about our past relationships. Many of hers were terribly abusive and it seems to be therapeutic for her to talk about them. My only past relationship was with my late wife (my fiances aunt) and she loves to hear about our loving relationship. Our goal is to have a relationship as solid as that. Our relationship is being built on the bedrock of total honesty and loyalty.

Scooby's avatar

Pandora’s box! Don’t do it, seems like you feel the need to compete with someone he’s no longer with…. Have you ever thought that he lied about his story because his past relationships were never important enough to remember all the details?:-/ just a thought.. Don’t push it, really, just be happy with what you’ve got……

shoebox's avatar

@Scooby I never pushed it…. just one night I asked him has he had a one night stand…. he told me he’s slept with 20 other people, and has had a threesome and done more…. I felt very intimidated and uncomfortable that night is when he broke out into tears and told me who he really was…

@stranger_in_a_strange_land abusive relationships dont help either…. I think that might also add to why i talk about the past… my previous relationship before this one was my first and for two years… he was very rude, and never paid for anything… and ALWAYS fed me lies.

Austinlad's avatar

Best to let sleeping dogs and old lays lay.

shoebox's avatar

@Austinlad but then.. i fell in love with some one who doesnt exist and some one who I don’t know…. Luckily, my boyfriend IS who i think he is and has a lot more respect for himself than he let on in the first place…. I just respect him so much more for being so open with me… I’m lucky I fell in love with the right person. I’m grateful. Despite some worries i have, he’s more important to me than these petty problems…

Scooby's avatar


Phew I see….. I’ll bet you felt “intimidated & uncomfortable that night”…
What’s past is past…. Keep you’re chin up & look to the future, your future… But remember, go at your own pace, don’t feel you have to compete with his past, be very careful to discuss everything you are comfortable or uncomfortable with, be very clear…. Best of luck to you both & well done for getting this off your chest.. ‘Bravo’ to you ;-) Take care…..

shoebox's avatar

@Scooby thank you :) thats a really sweet comment… after everyones advice I do feel alot better and understanding of what I should do, and thank you for the wishes!

Any one who wishes to still comment and give their opinion are most welcome to do so :)

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@shoebox She tells me about the abuse and I reassure her that it will never happen again. It makes her feel safe and gives me an ego stroke to be regarded as her “protector”.

actuallery's avatar

What about your past relationships, does he want to know about them? Would you tell the truth, explicitly? It’s better not to know and just concentrate on what is now. Dredging up past relationships might be more out of curiosity but, in the long run, you will be forever comparing yourself with his past. You might even start asking him why he split with them, a big no-no. Problems build up with those sorts of exploratory conversations and you don’t seem the type who could handle the truth.

marinelife's avatar

There is nothing odd about your boyfriend’s past.

You have a self esteem problem. You will probably need therapy to work through it, which I urge you to get or your obsession with his past and your insecurity will drive him away.

Focus on your present. Try to be focused on when he is with you just enjoying your time together. Not on when he is not with you.

shoebox's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I’m very happy for the both of you…. you are lucky to have eachother, and she’s very lucky to have found you :)

@actuallery he’s only asked a few times… only because I have asked, and yes I am honest…... I’ve only had one relationship before him… nothing else… never made out with any one never had a one night stand… im a pretty old fashioned person lol but your pretty good at judging who i am, your right, i dont think i would handle it…. that is why i have learnt from everything here to steer clear and just let him know i trust him more than i let on :) thank you for the comment!

@marinelife haha! i even thought therapy would be a good idea for me haha, thanks for the comment!

misstrikcy's avatar

Yep you definately seem very insecure.
Chill out for a start, and learn to love yourself…. you’ll never be totally convinced about someones love for you (which in my experience goes hand in hand with security in your relationship) if you dont totally accept and love who you are… flaws ‘n all.
Try not to beat yourself up over it, I think most girls I know have been through similar experiences.
I would recommend reading ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ by John Gray.
It’s very insightful in regard to how we behave in relationships. I read it to learn about my BF and ended up knowing loads more about me and how and why I behave sometimes…

actuallery's avatar

You don’t need therapy. This relationship sounds like it could be the one! From what Ive read, so far in both your questions, it seems that he has chosen poorly in the past and now realises that fast women and fast cars are a fast way to disaster. Now that he has found you, I doubt very much that he will ever look at another woman the same way as he looks at you. Just don’t let jealousy take control should he look at a girl or say something like “Gosh! Isn’t she beautiful”. just agree with him and add “But not as pretty as meee!!” Then slap him (somewhere) playfully.

Keep this relationship fun and exciting and loving and avoid being controlling or suspicious. and it will last a lifetime.

shoebox's avatar

@actuallery and @ misstrikcy hahaha! he’s the one telling me I dont compete with his ex’s…. he’s the sweetest…. and i do need to get over my insecurities so they do not control me. He’s always showering me with love and affection… so what do i have to worry about here… also, completely off related topic here, can being very hormonal be a possible sign of pregnancy?

misstrikcy's avatar

Never been pregnant (thank goodness), so wouldn’t have a clue..

GladysMensch's avatar

Wait a minute… you might be pregnant? Go, right now, go to a pharmacy and drop the few dollars on a test and find out. Thank your lucky stars if you’re not, and don’t let yourself become pregnant. Why? This is your second relationship ever. The first one was with an abuser, and this one is with someone whom you don’t entirely trust. I don’t know why you’re even engaged to someone you don’t fully trust. Throwing a kid into the mix is the last thing you should do.

perspicacious's avatar

I think it’s fine, maybe advisable, to talk about both of your pasts. It can scare you a little though. You have to remember it is the past, and the things that happened very long ago when he or you were much younger should be viewed in that context. We all do grow and mature. That’s not to say we completely change, but mistakes made in the past are not necessarily an indicator of future behavior.

gondwanalon's avatar

In 20 years, if one of his bastard children knocks on your front door wanting to see thier long lost father, THEN ask your questions. Until then, let it be.

tigress3681's avatar

Wow, you sound like a stalker, almost. Look, your relationship started off on the wrong foot. You cannot trust him. If you want to make this relationship work, you are going to need to learn to trust him. This does not mean ignoring red flags. Trust comes slowly, if he wants to earn your trust he needs to take things slowly, like not going out with his friends AND being late coming home OR not answering your call… and dont call all the time, once per every 2–3 nights out is probably sufficient. Eventually you should get to a point where you only call him while hes out maybe once a month cause you need milk or tampons :)

shoebox's avatar

@tigress3681 I think you really have to understand more about my relationship to call me things like that

We dnt live together he comes over and stays with me because he wants to

he’s the one who txt’s me if i don’t txt him back or I forget to

he calls me

he’s the one who proposed and I said yes

he handed me his passwords even though i don’t check his emails or what not

and i think having a misscarriage because of some ‘other girl’ is going to leave me with some very painful memories… maybe even a nice blow in my life becuase its pretty important to me

he’s doing all this on his own free will :) please ask questions or read more, and are you saying that if I was a bit of a control freak it gives someone a reason to cheat… I think anyone who cheats for any purpose are scum… if your not happy you let them know – you either talk it out or you leave instead of cheat.

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