Perhaps try finding what excites and turns him on a bit more to get his engine going? I know I had sort of the same situation with my now ex-wife. Dive a bit deeper into his head, and how sexually active he was prior to you. For example if he was a big party person, go out to the club together, get really drunk, and see if that does it. I know that sounds corny, but maybe the concept of it (in his head) might just “harness” that seductiveness you are looking for.

We had found for our relationship that pornography really did help a lot, as well as the nice occasional drunk sex, at least for our situation, it was what really did it for me, and I was able to put more into the sex life.

I hope that helps, but as a last resort, perhaps sit down and explain the situation? Because it may not feel like a problem now, but when that one person comes by, who gives you that look, it maybe almost be irresistible. perhaps he is also feeling the same way?

Have you tried getting him drunk so he loosen up?

@wgallios thank you for your advice. He was sexually active before me, but never adventurous. It seems that he has always been relatively reserved in all aspects of his life.

I think what I really need is a better way to help him understand what I’m asking from him, because the approaches I’ve tried so far are not working.

My husband doesn’t drink.

Maybe you need to give him a taste of his own medicine for him to get it. Act exactly the way he acts in the bedroom. If he becomes confused or says, “What the hell are you doing?” you say, “I’m doing exactly what you do. Is there something you want me to do differently?” Perhaps this will help him get a better grip on how to handle himself by explaining it to you.

@le_inferno you are probably right. I may do just that, at this point I’m willing to try anything.

Someone else suggested that I go all out for a week or so. Wear revealing clothes around the house, do and say suggestive things – but refuse to let him touch me. Hopefully by the end of the week he will be so crazed that his inhibitions will be out the window.

The ideas are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they both sound good to me. Thanks.

Maybe it’s stress related, what’s going on in his life that could possibly be contributing to his lack of enthusiasm?? :-/

Scooby, it has always been this way.

My best guess, knowing him as well as I do, is that he is just painfully self conscious. I feel like he never just let’s go. I get the impression that he is thinking too hard about what he is doing instead of getting lost in the excitement of it all. Does that make sense?

If I go out of my way to do something especially nice for him (sexually) then he is even more mechanical in his reciprocation. So maybe it’s the opposite, maybe he is thinking too little. I guess I have no idea. :(

Have you considered a sex therapist? A professional could talk to your husband without the stigma of a partner indicating lack of satisfaction.

Does he initiate sex often? If not, it could be that he has a lower libido than you do and that because of the lower libido, he’s not as interested in sex as you are. Rejecting him could cause more problems, so be careful. If you reject him with the little bit he is trying, he may cut back even more and stop trying at all. Have you considered talking with a therapist about it? There are sex therapists out there and maybe one of them could help the two of you with your sex life. I’m sorry I don’t have any other advice. I hope it gets better for you soon.

I fear a sex therapist would not go over well. He is one of those people that isn’t a fan of therapy. I don’t think that would be a bad idea, though.

@Seaofclouds he does initiate sex. I wouldn’t say often, but regularly. I think you are right about the rejection. I do not deliberately reject him, but I am starting to feel so jaded that I catch myself pulling away from him when he does initiate. I don’t turn him down, but he can tell that I’m not really “there.”

@MrsUnderCover I would really try to get him to go to a therapist if I was you. If you are already feeling yourself pull away from him when he initiates, it will continue to get worse. Then neither of you will be happy with your sex life and the problems in the bedroom could lead to other problems in your marriage.

Like you, I’d be losing my own attraction after trying all the things you have. As a last resort to suggesting he see a therapist, I’d have another talk with him and tell him frankly you want more out your sexual time together. Ask him:

“Do you want to touch my body in the ways I’m willing to show you?”

“Will you show me how you’d like me to touch you?”

“Will you vocalize some of your desires/fantasies/spontaneous urges so that I’ll know you have them too?”

“Will you go and show me some clothes of mine you find me sexually arousing in?”

“Are you willing to accept how important sex is for me in our relationship and tell me how you view it?”

After that, I’d probably throw in the towel if he didn’t want to take himself to therapy. Life’s too short to forgo passion with the person you love and who supposedly loves you. You deserve to know what’s going on. It’s a rare man who isn’t interested in sex with the partner he loves and isn’t interested in making it all it can be if he’s physically able.

@Neizvestnaya wow, I think you are absolutely right. Great answer, thank you very much.

@Seaofclouds you’re right. Thank you.

This really sucks – you’re a young person, you shouldn’t have a stale sex life but putting that aside, it’s his lack of enthusiasm that bothers me, his lack of wanting to change so that you have satisfaction – what good partner wouldn’t want to make his (I’m assuming monogamous) partner sexually satiated? This is how affairs start (not that you will start an affair) – when people marry for life, you better make sure you’re everything each other wants and keep working at it. Have you checked your own actions and sexual ways? If we want passion out of him, do you give him passion?

Is he on any medications? Sometimes medication can lower libidos.

@chyna: A lowered libido is not a good enough excuse to half-ass it when your love is lying naked with you.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m a passionate person, I suppose it’s just in my nature. Lately though, not so much. I want to be, but not being able to get through to him has left me feeling kind of wiped out. It isn’t conscious, but it is getting to the point where I just shut down during sex. I can’t focus anymore. I know that is something that doesn’t help the situation, but this has gone on for so long that I feel like it’s out of my control now. That is why I am so desperate for a solution.

@chyna no medications. I genuinely believe that it has something to do with his self esteem or his confidence maybe, I don’t know. I have always tried to encourage him by being exceptionally vocal or by giving a slightly exaggerated response when he does something that I like. He doesn’t seem to catch on. I hate to say it like this, but he just seems very dense when it comes to sex. He is not a stupid man, but I think sometimes he is too worried or thinking too much or something like that to actually comprehend the cues that I’m giving him.

Then maybe it is as simple as he just doesn’t like sex. I agree with those that suggest a sex therapist. Good luck.

@MrsUnderCover Well of course you’re not lately – it’s been years! I simply can not believe it’s gone on for so long – no wonder you’re shutting down, this can gnaw at your being. The solution is one more serious conversation – some partners don’t understand that wanting good sex is not just about sex, it’s about wanting reciprocity, wanting to be wanted, wanting to be heard and in sync with one another. Too many couples let their sex life slide, too many, forgetting how important physicality (their own and that of their partner) actually is.

@Neizvestnaya While I agree having a lower libido is a bad excuse for not being interested in your partner laying next to you, I have been the lower libido person before and it’s honestly not that simple. When your libido decreases over time, you don’t really even notice the difference. When it gets really low, you have very little interest in sex, no matter what your partner is doing. Yes, the lower libido person should try to be there for their partner and please them, but have you ever forced yourself to have sex just to make the other person happy? It’s not fun. Doing it once here and there is one thing, doing it all the time is another. When one partner has a severely lower libido, you have to find the cause of it. Getting them to just do it will only last so long and could lead to other issues in the relationship (like resentment). When I had the lower libido, it was because of my hormones (because of birth control pills). After several months of fighting about sex, my boyfriend at the time pointed out the difference in me (because I hadn’t noticed it). I went to the doctor, changed medications, and was back to my old self within a few weeks. If it truly is a lower libido issue, they need to find the cause and go from there. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what the cause it.

@Seaofclouds while I do agree with you, I don’t think a low libido is the problem. He wants sex. He initiates sex.

It just lacks substance.

@MrsUnderCover It may not be a libido issue for your husband. Only the two of you wold really know if it was. For the substance, I really think the questions @Neizvestnaya mentioned above and then a therapist if necessary, are the best things to try at this point.

@Seaofclouds thank you, I agree. I think they are both excellent suggestions. I gained a lot of insight from this thread. Hopefully now I have what I need to get to the bottom of this and fix it before my desire to fix it fades. Thanks so much for your input.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir hit the nail on the head with sex being about more than just sex for some people. Reciprocity at least of desire is huge. A lowered libido is understandable but people need to know what the reason is. Is the libido low because of a chemical inbalance, a respressed homosexual bent, a loss of desire for the partner’s physical attractiveness? All that stuff comes into play.

Sex therapy is not as intimidating as most people imagine it to be. It is much more like learning to scuba dive (pardon any pun you may imagine is implied).

You learn about the equipment and how to use it.
You learn to communicate in new ways for a special set of circumstances.
You learn some specific skills out of the water that you will apply where you actually dive.
You learn how to feel safe and be safe.
You learn how to signal if you are scared, confused or in distress.
The only difference is that all the practising of technique is done in private without the instructor present.

Smart people who love their partners go with their partner to a sex therapist if one or both have some concerns about their sexual relationship and its potential impact on the rest of their relationship.

Sex therapists are usually psychologists or psychiatrists with special training in this specialty.
They complete supervised internships before they are certified as qualified to practice. They keep up with ongoing developments in their field and participate in continuing education workshops to build and refine their skills and expand the range of techniques they can use with their clients.

Sex therapists do not have sexual relations with their clients. Most sex therapy involves no one but the client couple in any sexual activity. There are a few types of cases where surrogates may be suggested. This is rare and is only used where no other approach is possible or suitable.

Relax and talk to each other about the problems and how not solving them will affect each of you and your relationship. I hope you make good decisions.

This is so true what @marinelife wrote, “A professional (therapist) could talk to your husband without the stigma of a partner indicating lack of satisfaction.” There’s nothing worse than getting to the point where sex isn’t fun anymore, where it becomes a chore wrapped in self consciousness, suspicion and doubt as to why it is the way it is and who’s at fault.

I am just throwing out a random idea here. Have you ever considered that he is just intimidated by your sexual prowess. Think of it this way. Have you ever had an experience where you weren’t sure you were up to a task? Put yourself in a room with someone who you realize is way more versed on the subject than you are and what would your response be.

Maybe because you are “lived” much more than he has, he isn’t sure he measures up or even if he tried something new he will be compared to your previous experiences. This is a really hard thing to overcome if it happens to be the situation. Only you know his personality and would be able to if this fits him or not.

@MrsUnderCover at least you are still in the state where you are willing to bring it up. I am not. I have brought it up countless times, with fighting resulting and her never changing anything. I even told her like three months ago that I felt like it was like wasting the best years of our lives. Nothing. Nada. So you at least still have communication going, which is good. Use it while you can. (I’ve wanted to post about this for a while, but I do not want anyone telling me to look for a different thread that already existed, heh.) I really enjoy the responses.