I’ve been trying not to think about this, actually. It’s hard to know what to do with such things when you’re married. You want to maintain the connection, and the best thing to do is to be friends, but there’s always that “oh my god what happened and what do we do with it” feeling.
We were in a harmonica workshop. We were doing improvisations with a partner—it was random who we partnered with. I think maybe I’d spoken five words to the woman at most in the three days before that event.
When we paired up, and began playing together—I really don’t think I can describe it. For me, it only happened once before in my life. It’s this connection where you totally get their energy and you feed it back and forth, and everyone in the room can feel it. It feels like this ball or light is streaming out of this nexus between us. The people in the room later said it was so hot and almost x-rated, even though all we were doing was playing.
The first time it happened was also through music, only this time I was playing trumpet and she was dancing. Again, it was an improvisation in front of a crowd. I was playing, and suddenly she got up, as if mesmerized, and began dancing… like she was the music. I took her movements and channeled them back through my horn, where they went out to the audience, who got energized and fed it back to us, and it just kept building and building like that.
I don’t know how we got out of it. Probably couldn’t take it any more. I said good bye to this women outside the theater afterwards, and that’s the last I saw of her.
I guess these things are moments out of time. That’s how I’ve had to treat them any way. When I think of them, I get a feeling of yearning. I’m pretty sure it would never be the same, so the yearning must be for the past, not the future. Yet I still wonder—maybe it would happen again. Maybe it means something. Maybe I could…. but no. Not for a very long time… if ever.