Social Question

poisonedantidote's avatar

(NSFW & NSIG) what is the most offensive joke you know?

Asked by poisonedantidote (21675points) September 22nd, 2010
257 responses
“Great Question” (13points)

Out of all the jokes you know, what is the most offensive one?

EDIT: ill get the ball rolling “when do you know that a girl is too young for you?—when you have to make the air plain sound to get your dick in her mouth”

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Answers

kevbo's avatar

What do all battered women have in common?

They just don’t listen.

downtide's avatar

Q: What’s white and lays in the gutter?
A: A nigger with the s**t kicked out of him.

Mat74UK's avatar

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!

Otto_King's avatar

What is this? When I throw it up it’s nothing, when it’s falling down, it’s a buttered bread?
– Romanian fairytale

BoBo1946's avatar

This is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard. Offensive? Try to stay away from those….this one could be to some people.

man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago”.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really, ” he said, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

deni's avatar

Q: Whats long and hard on a black guy?
A: First grade

that one cracks me up every time

deni (23141points)“Great Answer” (17points)
filmfann's avatar

That George Bush was a great President.

BoBo1946's avatar

@filmfann that one does take the whole cake! GA!

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Two tectonic plates clash into each other
One of them says “My fault”
If I want offensive jokes, then I can go to sickipedia….

Aster's avatar

@BoBo1946 GA!! terrific joke, boo.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Aster first time i heard that….laughed to i cried. A good friend told that one on the golf course.

Aster's avatar

“Tonto Goldstein.” Just too much!!

chocolatechip's avatar

@Michael_Huntington

If you don’t, you didn’t have to read this thread =P

diavolobella's avatar

I cringe with shame as I type this….

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
It depends on the size of the ashtray.

bob_'s avatar

What’s so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she’ll swallow.

bob_ (21892points)“Great Answer” (15points)
BoBo1946's avatar

@zen_ that was good…and you are a good sport! i want tell anyone..might ruin your reputation!

bob_'s avatar

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas? So they have something to unwrap.

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a black guy? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a Jew? A large pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

bob_ (21892points)“Great Answer” (13points)
Aster's avatar

@bob_ Your jokes win the Most Offensive Award !!

bob_'s avatar

@Aster Thank you thank you!

Did you laugh? Did you feel bad? XD

thekoukoureport's avatar

Whats black and blue, and hates sex?
The eight year old in my basement

My 15 yr old taught me that one.

bob_'s avatar

Do homeless people get knock-knock jokes?

bob_ (21892points)“Great Answer” (14points)
Aster's avatar

@bob I smiled. But bobo’s made me LOL.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@thekoukoureport full of win.

reminds me of: “what’s 18 inches long, has a purple head and keeps women up all night screaming?—cot death”

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Editted by me. I feel horrible getting points for that. Sorry

BoBo1946's avatar

@Aster that made me feel better….thank you!

BoBo1946's avatar

and, always enjoy reading Bob’s comments…make my day a little better. That is what friends do.

thekoukoureport's avatar

Whats worse than dropping an ice cream on the floor?
The Holocaust

chocolatechip's avatar

@thekoukoureport LOL. Didn’t see that one coming.

What’s great about having sex with twenty six year olds?

There are twenty of them.

diavolobella's avatar

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don’t know, but it can pick a hell of a lot of lettuce.

zen_'s avatar

A Jew was playing with an ashtray, when hitler comes by and asks:
“Are you looking for someone?”

Where do you send Jewish kids with A.D.D.?
To concentration camps.

Hitler may have killed 6 million jews, but he sure as fucking hell saved the History channel.

Aster's avatar

@BoBo1946 I really needed some laughs this morning, that’s for sure!!

diavolobella's avatar

Why don’t Black men like blowjobs?
They don’t like any jobs.

thekoukoureport's avatar

Your all killing me here! I am LMAO!!!!

BoBo1946's avatar

@Aster my friend, I need them every morning….especially lately, been in so much pain, BUT I’m still here.

chocolatechip's avatar

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

Because she’s a woman.

Aster's avatar

@diavolobella Boy; those are fantastic jokes!! LOL !! ok; I am terrible, I admit it.

ucme's avatar

Why don’t women have any brains?
Because they don’t have a penis to put them in!!

diavolobella's avatar

How did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Reading the waffle iron.

diavolobella's avatar

I have zarfed Diet Coke up my nose repeatedly while reading this.

iamthemob's avatar

I like this – a safe place where we can all admit that, hey…deep down inside (or maybe not so deep), we’re all a little fucked up. :-)

That said…

What’s 4’10”, black and blue, and sucks my dick?

(drumroll)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
My son.

thekoukoureport's avatar

Why did the blond join the Catholic church?
She heard their was a man in there hung like “this” (Arms spread wide like cruxcifiction)

Aster's avatar

@BoBo1946 I’m sorry. Maybe if you’re on here now you can be on here after your operation.
Vicodin?

ucme's avatar

Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails leave behind!?!

diavolobella's avatar

Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don’t work in the future either.

zen_'s avatar

A woman at the checkout counter has bought one of each item. The checkout girl passes each single item, then looks at the woman and comments: You’re single, right? She replies “Yes, how’d you know? Because I bought one of each thing?”

No – because you’re ugly.

diavolobella's avatar

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?
The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

BoBo1946's avatar

Been taking darvocet @Aster ! But today…it is not working.

thekoukoureport's avatar

How do you fit three gay men on a barstool?
Turn it over!

zen_'s avatar

@diavolobella

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

President Bush said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”

The Iranian whispered “My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.”

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, “It’s because it takes place in the future.”

poisonedantidote's avatar

@zen_ aye, that’s the version i originally heard.

downtide's avatar

(In Manchester we have a lot of offensive jokes about our Scouse neighbours over in Liverpool).

Q: What do you call a Scouser wearing a suit?
A: The defendant

Q: What do you call a Scouser in a nice house?
A: A burglar

Q: If you see a Scouser on a bicycle why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It’s probably your bike

Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: If it walked it would get mugged

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Liverpool?
A: Because God couldn’t find a virgin and three wise men.

ucme's avatar

What goes ring ring…. ring ring…... Arrrrrrrgh!?!
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

ucme (50047points)“Great Answer” (10points)
thekoukoureport's avatar

@downtide Seems they are universal I have heard many of those right here in the USA.

Otto_King's avatar

The sadistic and the masochist sitting in the room. The masochist says: hit me, please hit me!!
The sadistic goes: No, no!

diavolobella's avatar

@zen! Okay, I need to put down the Diet Coke before it winds up in my lungs

bob_'s avatar

@zen_ Iranians aren’t Arab :-) See here.

diavolobella's avatar

Okay, last one.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The Army

ucme's avatar

Stevie Wonder walks into a shop swinging his dog above his head
Shop owner asks, “Can I help you sir?
Stevie replies, “No thanks i’m just having a look around the place.”

chocolatechip's avatar

What do you call a bunch of black men running down the street?

Jailbreak.

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down the street?

Mudslide.

bob_'s avatar

What’s black inside, yellow outside, and you laugh when it goes off a cliff? A school bus full of blacks.

thekoukoureport's avatar

Were all going to hell. But I keep racking my brain try to remember these jokes anyway. lol

chocolatechip's avatar

Heaven is for prudes.

ucme's avatar

What’s white, sticky & races across the sky at great speed?
The coming of the lord.

ucme (50047points)“Great Answer” (11points)
ucme's avatar

What’s the difference between Jesus & a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

ucme (50047points)“Great Answer” (12points)
thekoukoureport's avatar

Why do Mexican cars have small steeing wheels?
so the can drive with handcuffs on!

Whats written inside a black persons lips?
Inflate to 5lbs.

BoBo1946's avatar

6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with ‘ass.’” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Cruiser's avatar

What’s the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.

———-

3 gays were having fun at a swimming pool and then suddenly one of them looks at a condon floating on the water, angry asks the other two gays: “who was the nasty bitch who farted!?!?...”

ucme's avatar

What is one positive thing to come out of the wars in Afghanistan & Iraq?
The US will have a kick ass Paralympic team in the 2012 Olympics.

ucme (50047points)“Great Answer” (10points)
iamthemob's avatar

@Cruiser

that last one is based on a true story…and I would appreciate it if you would stop telling people what happened to me…

thekoukoureport's avatar

@ucme OMG you win!

ucme's avatar

@thekoukoureport Now that is a badge of dishonour!

iamthemob's avatar

@ucme

you should suggest that one to the mods

ucme's avatar

@iamthemob They’d have to give a shit load out on this thread alone!!

zen_'s avatar

@bob_ What’s the difference?

bob_'s avatar

@zen_ See here.

DeanV's avatar

What’s Hitler’s favorite band?

Death Camp For Cutie.

zen_'s avatar

@bob_ I mean – who cares?

bob_'s avatar

XD

DeanV's avatar

OCD from birth, Hitler set out with the holocaust to kill exactly 3 million jews but accidentally killed 3 million and one and had to start over from the beginning again.

kevbo's avatar

What’s the difference between a sorority and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

isuppose's avatar

So a black guy goes to work…zing.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What are the three things you can never give a black person?
1. a fat lip
2. a black eye
3. a job

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a black man from drowning?
Pick your foot up.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when out jumps the Big Bad Wolf. He looks her up and down and says “I’m going to fuck your brains out, little girl.” She lays down on the ground and spreads her legs and tells the wolf, “No, you’re going to eat me just like the storybooks say.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing- you’ve already told her twice.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Two gay men are going at it on a couch. They both die at the exact same moment, which one gets to Heaven first?
The one on bottom- he’s already got his shit packed.

iamthemob's avatar

(that’s not fair…the top’s the one who packed his shit for him)

erichw1504's avatar

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult.

erichw1504's avatar

What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out

erichw1504's avatar

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

erichw1504's avatar

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

CMaz's avatar

How do you get 10 Jews into a VW?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.

Burn the rest, put in the ashtray.

erichw1504's avatar

What’s white on top and black on bottom? Society

erichw1504's avatar

This is offensive in multiple ways: Why do black people smell so bad? So blind people can hate them, too.

CMaz's avatar

How do you find the wet spot on a fat chick? Roll her in flour.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being raped.

What’s the worst part about kicking a baby down the stairs?
The erection.

erichw1504's avatar

What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

erichw1504's avatar

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

erichw1504's avatar

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says “Show me it’s true what they say about black men”. So he stabs her and steals her purse.

erichw1504's avatar

Two car pile up on the Mexican border. Thousands die.

erichw1504's avatar

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity? Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.

poisonedantidote's avatar

Over the 100 answers mark in less than ¼ of a day. weeeeeee!

erichw1504's avatar

This one is so offensive, it requires tiny text:

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS

ucme's avatar

When I watched Saddam Hussein’s execution, it really got me thinking.
Yeah I thought, is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate over.

ucme (50047points)“Great Answer” (13points)
chocolatechip's avatar

Wow, guys, ease up on the Holocaust jokes. My grandfather died in the Holocaust.

He fell off the watchtower.

ucme's avatar

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?
A seizure salad.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What’s the best part about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What’s the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her!

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Why can’t little black kids play in the sandbox?
Because the cats keep burying them.

erichw1504's avatar

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape… or shoplifting?

erichw1504's avatar

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, “I Miss New Orleans.”

So I smashed the window and stole the radio.

erichw1504's avatar

How do you starve a Mexican?

You hide the food stamps under the soap.

erichw1504's avatar

What’s the difference between a black guy and a bicycle?

A bike doesn’t try and sing when you put chains on it.

erichw1504's avatar

Just finished watching Obama’s Inauguration, and was surprised to see hardly any white people there.

But then again they were probably all working.

DominicX's avatar

I’m not racist because I have a black guy in my family tree.
Been hanging there for about 2 weeks…

I was really appalled by that one the first time I heard it from a friend of mine. Same with the “2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 50 in the ashtray” one for how many Jews you can fit in a Volkswagen.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@DominicX “I’m not racist; I have a colored TV.”

Otto_King's avatar

How does the gypsy woman finds out that she gave birth again?
– Her shit is blinking in the toilet.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

How do you make love to a fat girl?
Slap her thigh and ride the first wave in.

Otto_King's avatar

How do you call a blondine who has her hair coloured to brunette?
– Artificial Intelligence

erichw1504's avatar

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, “what are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The poor man asks, “why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says “well, if she doesn’t like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them.”

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him “so, what are you getting your wife this year?” The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man asks “why those two things?” The poor man astutely reponds “this way, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

What do a blond and a turtle have in common?
Once they’re on their backs, they’re fucked.

erichw1504's avatar

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.

“You must be single.” the clerk says.

Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, “Yes I am. How could you tell?”

“Because you’re ugly”.

Otto_King's avatar

Fat girl goes to the gynetologist. (or what) The doctor has some problem finding the right hole down there, and he says:
– Could you just fart one please, so I can have a starting point?

erichw1504's avatar

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!” To which the doctor replies, “April Fool’s! It was already dead!”

Otto_King's avatar

Two jews talking.
– Did you get my letter what I sent you 2 weeks ago?
– Which one? The one you try to borrow some money from me?
– Yes, that one!
– No, I didn’t get that…

aprilsimnel's avatar

“So whaddya call this act?”

“The Aristocrats!”

erichw1504's avatar

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don’t have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don’t know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they’ve been doing… so they bury her

ucme's avatar

How do you stop a bunch of black guys raping a white girl?
Throw them a basketball. I so cringed when I wrote that, but ask for offensive.You shall receive offensive

erichw1504's avatar

What did the black kid get on his SATs?

Barbeque sauce.

erichw1504's avatar

How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave? I dunno, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

erichw1504's avatar

Why don’t Blacks and Mexicans ever marry?

Because they are afraid their children will be to lazy to steal.

erichw1504's avatar

You ever wondered why they don’t solve many murders in Arkansas? There are no dental records and the DNA’s all the same.

ucme's avatar

What does the Queen of England & a tampon have in common?
They’re both stuck up cunts.

erichw1504's avatar

How do you offend an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him what period it’s from.

ucme's avatar

Why don’t jews like to give oral sex?
Because they’re getting too close to the gas chamber…...& on that note, i’m going to beat a hasty retreat outta here. It’s been emotional :¬)

MeinTeil's avatar

Al Sharpton and his ilk.

MeinTeil's avatar

One in three women are battered.

I prefer mine raw.

thekoukoureport's avatar

How do you make a 6 year old girl cry twice?
You use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off of your penis.

poisonedantidote's avatar

I just invented this one my self, and am quite proud of it if i do say so my self…

USA version:

I hear michael jackson is giving everyone ice cream for x.mas, i think its because he knows what kids will do for a klondike bar.

klondike bar: a chocolate coated ice cram sold in the usa / commercial / slogan: “what would you do for a klondike bar”

UK version:

I hear Michael jackson is giving everyone cheese for x-mas, i think its because he heard kids will do anything for dairylea

dairylea: a cheese sold in the uk since the 70’s / commercial / slogan: “kids will do anything for dairylea”

EDIT: obviously the “michael jackson” part needs an update, preferably a living pedo.

bob_'s avatar

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Little Kid Blue.

Little Kid Blue who?

Michael Jackson!

rebbel's avatar

The difference between a woman and a seal?
The one stinks like fish and has a moustache, the other swims in the sea.

What to do after you licked a bald pussy?
Put her back in her crib.

rebbel's avatar

A guy goes to the pharmacy.
He: “I need Viagra.”
Pharmacist: “Well, do you have a prescription?”
He: “No, but i do have a picture of my girlfriend.”

shego's avatar

What’s the black kid saying when sliding down a zebra?
Now you see me now you don’t, now you see me now don’t

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the mexicans that can run jump and swim are already here.

Why are refried beans refried? Because the mexicans couldn’t do it right the first time.

chocolatechip's avatar

What does an Xbox and Michael Jackson have in common?

They’re both plastic, and little kids turn them on.

dalepetrie's avatar

How do you fit 1000 dead babies in a phone booth…

with a blender

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s the difference between a slave and a snow tire?

A snow tire doesn’t sing when you put chains on it.

dalepetrie's avatar

How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her when she was bad?

They re-arranged the furniture?

What about when she was REALLY bad?

They left the plunger in the toilet.

dalepetrie's avatar

Two pedophiles were reminiscing about their latest conquest, when one says to the other, “oh yeah, well last week I had an 8 year old with the body of a 4 year old.”

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.

dalepetrie's avatar

How do you get a (insert nationality here) woman pregnant?

Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest?

dalepetrie's avatar

Guys, how can you tell if your best friend is gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s the best thing about Alzheimers?

You meet so many new people.

dalepetrie's avatar

What do you call a gay in a wheelchair?

Rollaids.

dalepetrie's avatar

Why did God create women?

Because sheep can’t cook.

dalepetrie's avatar

A racist redneck received a heart transplant and the doctor told him, “the bad news is, your heart came from a black man, but the good news is, your dick’s 4 inches longer.”

Otto_King's avatar

What is little, green, and if you press a button it turns red?
– Frog in the blender

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s easier to unload…a truckload of bricks or a truckload of babies?

The babies, because you can’t unload bricks with a pitchfork.

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Getting past the wheelchair.

dalepetrie's avatar

What do you call a homosexual with diarrhea?

Juicy Fruit.

dalepetrie's avatar

A woman is a big Beatles fan and has John Lennon’s face tattooed on her inner right thigh and Paul McCartney on her inner left thigh. She wasn’t quite happy with the job when she left the tattoo parlor, but the artist assured her that she’d be thrilled when it healed. She wasn’t thrilled, so she went back insisting on a refund, claiming that these tattoos looked nothing like the men they were to represent. They disagreed violently, so they decided the best way to see who was right was to show off the handywork to an impartial 3rd party. So they went outside and paid a homeless man $5 to come in and “look at something”. So she spreads her legs and says, “so, tell me who you these tattoos are supposed to be, I’ll even give you a hint, they’re famous musicians.” He looks, scratches his head and finally says, “sorry ma’am, I don’t know who the guy on the left is and I don’t know who the guy on the right is, but I’m pretty sure the one in the middle with the bad breath and scraggly beard has GOT to be Willie Nelson.”

dalepetrie's avatar

Why doesn’t Poland have a hockey team?

They all drowned in spring training.

dalepetrie's avatar

Two women were reminiscing about being raped by their fathers.

“When I was 7 and dad started raping me, I was so tight, he had to use a shoehorn to get it in,” said one.

“Oh yeah,” replied the other, “well, every day from the time I was 2 until the day he died, my father would cover his cock in chocolate and make me lick it off. To this day I can’t eat fudge unless it has nuts.”

dalepetrie's avatar

ftw….

What do you call it when you go down on a woman with VD, a yeast infection AND her period?

Eating a pizza…because she’s got the cheese, crust and sauce.

anartist's avatar

[bleep]

lloydbird's avatar

What’s a good way to flush out Racists and Sexists from a site like this?

Ask a good question like @poisonedantidote ‘s, here

And very well done too..

bob_'s avatar

@lloydbird And what’s a good way to flush out someone without a sense of humor?

bob_ (21892points)“Great Answer” (14points)
WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@lloydbird You don’t have to be racist and sexist to know stupid, offensive jokes. I think everyone here was having a good time repeating what we’ve heard over the years. No one has said anything like “I hate niggers and spics” or “women are stupid bitches”. And FYI, I posted a joke about giving a woman two black eyes, and I’m a woman. Does that make me reverse sexist? In the famous words of Bart Simpson, “Eat my shorts.”

iamthemob's avatar

I’m going to get so drunk and use all of these. Then get so sober and regret reading this thread.

bob_'s avatar

Gay dude walks into a pharmacy.

“Could I have a suppository like that red one?”

“Um, sorry, it’s not for sale… it’s our fire extinguisher.”

dalepetrie's avatar

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He opened the gas bill.

dalepetrie's avatar

What did the gay NYC fireman sing on 9/11?

It’s Raining Men

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon….Michael Jackson liked to fuck little boys.

dalepetrie's avatar

Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s worse than a pile of 1,000 dead babies?

A pile of 999 dead babies with one live baby on the bottom trying to chew its way out.

dalepetrie's avatar

What’s long and black and smelly?

The welfare line.

dalepetrie's avatar

Why is a moped like a fat chick?

They’re both fun to ride until a friend catches you.

dalepetrie's avatar

How long should it take a man to open a can of beer?

It should already be open when the bitch brings it to him.

dalepetrie's avatar

Why are aspirin white?

You want them to work, don’t you?

dalepetrie's avatar

90% of Chinese men have Cataracts.

The rest drive Folds and Chevlorets.

downtide's avatar

@lloydbird If we were truly racist and sexist we wouldn’t be classifying these jokes as “the most offensive we know”. That’s the whole point of the question.

thekoukoureport's avatar

I guess we won’t be added to lloydbirds fluther…...:(

lloydbird's avatar

@bob_ @WillWorkForChocolate @downtide Seems like a flimsy excuse to spew some vile bile. And all done with such disquieting relish. I would feel truly ashamed to be associated with some of the jokes posted here, and would not have posted them, even if I did know them.
You know, sick jokes are called that for a reason. And cruelty remains what it is, even when masked in a so called joke.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@lloydbird No one said they even thought these jokes were funny, just that they were aware of their existance. If you deny the existence of these jokes, you’re denying the larger, systemic problems that they represent. I’d rather hear a few racist jokes and become more attuned to my surroundings so that I can call out racism when I see it than bury my head in the sand over a couple minutes of faux outrage.

lloydbird's avatar

@papayalily I don’t deny that there are funny racist and sexist jokes, there are, and I enjoy them. They perform a useful social function. But there has to be an element of kindness in them for them to retain their jokiness . But there is a fine line between jocularity and cruelty.
For example, @downtide ‘s first posting on this thread. Somehow, I can’t imagine any of the ‘black’ contingent, here on fluther, thinking that to be funny. That’s just sick and cruel. And doesn’t deserve the oxygen of publicity.
I too “call out racism when I see it”, I’m doing that now. And there’s nothing “faux” about my outrage.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@lloydbird Well, my parents believed that racism was so vile that it didn’t “deserve the oxygen of publicity”, as you put it. I knew racism existed growing up, but only in a theoretical, abstract kind of way. It wasn’t until I started paying attention to jokes that I began to understand it on a personal level. The jokes often show why there is animosity towards a certain group that newspapers and textbooks gloss over. I have no problem hearing the jokes, because it shows me how I can begin to change minds about them.

Mat74UK's avatar

@lloydbirdYou keep coming back in though, don’t you!

thekoukoureport's avatar

@lloydbird You where told that it would be offensive, yet you came in anyway. Why? Now that you are offended you need justification for your curiosity? So the more you try to defend your position the more you should ask yourself. Why did I go in?
Judge not lest ye be judged. For you don’t know me, and can hardly take a discussion where you where not even invited, to try!

erichw1504's avatar

Anyway… back to the point of this question:

What’s the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with “n” and ends with “r”? Neighbor.

chocolatechip's avatar

@lloydbird “But there is a fine line between jocularity and cruelty.”

I understand what you’re saying, but you’re missing the point of these jokes. Many of these jokes are jokes because they are offensive. That is, the offensiveness is the punchline. Rarely in life do you ever witness such blatant disregard for any sense of taste or morality. It’s unexpected, and people laugh at the unexpected.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@lloydbird You know, it says ”OFFENSIVE” very plainly in the question.
#1 This states we know what we are posting is “offensive” and not something cute.
#2 If you have a problem with offensive things, you should not have read all the comments to begin with

Seriously man, I hope it hurts like hell when you fall off your high horse one of these days. Have fun spewing your douchebaggery all over people who really don’t give a shit what you think anyway. Really, go for it. Break a leg.

iamthemob's avatar

What’s fantastic is that @lloydbird‘s joke is the the one that I consider to be the most offensive of all.

@lloydbird – you claim that there must be an element of kindness for something to retain its “jokiness.” Your joke does no such thing – it was written with the intent to make any or all of the people here feel guilty, ashamed, or hurt in some way. If that doesn’t fit your definition of cruelty, I don’t know what would.

Ironically, you are the only one that should feel ashamed. As a gay man, I was concerned when I read through these posts and I DIDN’T see jokes about gay men, crude and offensive things being said about people like me. It is when people keep quiet about these things, inside, and don’t release them, even in a comic manner, that we have a problem. Considering that there is offense across the board, this thread serves a useful function to show how prejudices and bigotry look ridiculous and funny when focused at any individual group, from any position. It reveals the humor about the prejudices themselves, and not about the group. It makes the speaker look ridiculous, and allows us to laugh at ourselves, and admit that we have work to do.

It is the self-righteous that I worry about more than the people who, openly and with the appropriate amount of self-deprication, admit their flaws.

An open invitation is extended to any one of my dinner parties to all who say the grossest, most offensive jokes about gay people in the thread above and below this…as long as you’re aware and comfortable with having a serious discussion about prejudices after that. Humor’s a great way to clear the air. Judgment never is.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@iamthemob Your wish, my command good sir.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, “My Ryan loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”

The second man said, “My Ross was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”

The third man said, “My Jack was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.

“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”

“Cool,” said the guy, “count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.” A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”

iamthemob's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate

Let me know when you’re free for dinner. And amusingly, that last one is how I met my current boyfriend.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@iamthemob LOL! I’ll bring chocolate for dessert.

lloydbird's avatar

If you’ll forgive my holding up this Private and Exclusive (But totally innocent and innocuous) Bilefest a little while longer, I would like to respond to some of the comments of you sweet and playful people :-
@iamthemob I have not posted a “joke” in this thread. I posted an ironic comment. But I agree with your analysis that it was calculated to make some, not all, of the people on this thread ”..feel guilty, ashamed..” and yes ”..hurt..”. And deservedly so. I really don’t think that it is cruel to pull people up who are clearly demonstrating cruelty. It might even do them some good.
@thekoukoureport @WillWorkForChocolate Should the fact that a thread has been designated as ” OFFENSIVE ” mean that anything goes and that there should be no self restraint or sense of proportion? Some of the postings here go too far and smack of betraying what appear to be genuinely held beliefs. I wonder, would you think it ok for a thread, marked Offensive, to invite paedophiles amongst us to post their most “Offensive” and disgusting photos of kids being abused? (No I’m not. Before any of you funsters chime in.) But would you? I think not. Least I hope not. And were such a thing to occur, would you back off because you were “not invited”?
@chocolatechip I think that you have it right. People do ”..laugh at the unexpected.” That is where the humour is. That sense of being misdirected. But base, crude cruelty is funny in a different way altogether. It is malign in essence. It dehumanises. And it has been used as a prelude to many of the shameful acts that have been committed in the past, that are being committed as we speak, and will likely be committed in the future. If unchallenged.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece ( Humourless dullard that I am) and I’ll leave it there.
I’m off to wander on my lanky stallion.

But before I go, I would like to leave you with a little joke.

What’s the difference between a cruel joker and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

Now, on with the fun!

downtide's avatar

@lloydbird I posted that particular joke because it was the most offensive one I could remember. Yes it offends me and I don’t think it’s even slightly funny. I posted it here because it’s specifically what the OP asked for.

iamthemob's avatar

@lloydbird

This was your first post:

What’s a good way to flush out Racists and Sexists from a site like this?
Ask a good question like @poisonedantidote ‘s, here
And very well done too..

In line with the structure of the humor above, but meant to be a joke at everyone’s expense. Be honest with yourself.

I know for a fact that the people in this thread are racially, ethnically, and gender diverse,,,straight and gay, of all ages. You haven’t commented on how I state there is benefit to this type of humor, and therefore haven’t really been paying attention.

This was the most open and honest I’ve seen people be on this site. The “Bilefest” has been something of your creation.

If you’ve left after your final word…well…good journey. If you read this, I would expect an intelligent response instead of a judgmental one.

erichw1504's avatar

On that note, let’s post some more, mind-crushingly offensive jokes…

What’s the best thing about having sex with an 8 year-old girl? If you flip her over, it’s just like having sex with an 8 year-old boy.

erichw1504's avatar

What’s the worst thing about eating bald pussy?

The diaper gets in the way.

thekoukoureport's avatar

too funny

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@erichw1504 Woah, infant rape? Taking it up a notch.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@lloydbird So then I guess you are offended by all gallows humor?

erichw1504's avatar

@papayalily Yeah, I decided to go all out.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Great Caesar’s ghost, I can’t remember all the jokes I ever heard to know which was the most offensive. Here are some I know were offensive to many other people:

A> Q: What do you call one homosexual making love to another homosexual?
A: Man in the moon.

B> The math teacher called Jenny in after class before she went to catch the school bus to tell her if she wanted to get an ‘A’ she would have to charm the pants trout. She seemed puzzled and he whipped out his Robert Earl and told her to lick it. She did and he started to moan, “great, keep going”, he said. He felt the excitement welling up in him until he could contain no more and sent a blast down Jenny’s throat then felt unbearable pain and look to see blood all over the front of his pants. “What happened?? What did you do!?! He screamed. Jenny said, “I did as you said until that nasty trout spit in my throat so I bit its head clean off!”

C> I priest, a rabbi, and a bishop walk in to a coffee bar. They were discussing how they do their offerings to God. The priest say “I take everything collected at the service and I toss it in the air. What falls to the left I keep for myself, and what falls to the right I give to God.” The Bishop said “I take everything collected during the service and toss it in the air, what lands heads up I give to God, what lands tails up I keep for myself.” The rabbi said, “I take everything I collect from service and I toss it in the air, what goes up and says up I give to God, what goes up and falls back to earth I keep for myself”.

That is all I can remember right now, though I am sure I forgotten many more.

iamthemob's avatar

A> Q: What do you call one homosexual making love to another homosexual?
A: Man in the moon.

That’s not offensive. That’s adorable.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

This one loses a lot when typing it instead of speaking it but:

What did the mexican couple name their twin boys?
Jose and hose b

dalepetrie's avatar

How do you know if a Chinese man robbed your house?

Because 4 hours later, he’s still trying to back out of the driveway.

FutureMemory's avatar

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says “where did you get that?”, the parrot replies “from Africa, they got millions of ‘em”.

That’s about as offensive as I can get.

Some of these have truly been disgusting, but I understand that was the point. Some topics I just can’t find “funny” no matter the context (raping babies and the holocaust stuff). Again, I understand that was the goal of the thread. A few of these have been just…scary.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@FutureMemory A lot of times, it’s that these are all such serious, somber subjects that any gallows humor is a huge relief.

MeinTeil's avatar

Hate crime legislation, affirmative action, immigration ‘reform’, the ‘fairness’ doctrine…

FutureMemory's avatar

@MeinTeil Do you think you’ll ever man up enough to say in no uncertain terms that if it’s not white, heterosexual and male you do not approve?

MeinTeil's avatar

I simply disapprove of the lack of fairness in these concepts as a matter of principle, not because of whatever ‘peoples’ they affect.

Not bringing race, gender or sexual orientation into an issue, isn’t that what it’s all supposed to be about?

My comment found it’s way under ‘offensive joke’ because the items I mentioned claim to induce ‘fairness’, they do the opposite in fact.

Now that’s a sick joke.

dalepetrie's avatar

A handsome young man is walking along the beach when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs, sitting in a wheelchair and crying. He says, “what’s the matter?” She responds, “it’s just that, today’s my 35th birthday and I’ve never been kissed.” The man feeling rather noble says, “well we can fix that” and proceeds to kiss her. The woman’s eyes light up and she says, “thank you, that was wonderful…” But then she looks down with a sad look in her eyes and it appears she is about to burst into tears one more time. So, he asks, “oh dear, what’s the matter? Was my kiss not good enough?” She replies, “that’s not it, no. It’s just that when you kissed me just now, it made other feelings well up, and I realized that I’ve never been fucked.” So, the man says, “well, let me take care of that right now.” He proceeds to lift her out of her wheelchair and he carries her out onto the beach. Then he walks into the water to the point where it drops off and throws the woman in the water. “There,” he says, “now you’re fucked.”

bob_'s avatar

What’s the difference between babies and checks? Checks bounce.

iamthemob's avatar

so do babies

bob_'s avatar

You mean something is wrong with my marble?

iamthemob's avatar

…or your baby…

bob_'s avatar

What do you mean “my”?

iamthemob's avatar

Don’t mean to imply general ownership – just “the baby you’re currently using.”

bob_'s avatar

Ah. Fair enough.

downtide's avatar

Whats the difference between babies and sand?

You can’t load sand with a pitchfork.

thekoukoureport's avatar

whats grosser than a pile of dead babies?
a pile of dead babies with a live one on the bottom eating his way out.

Whats grosser than gross?
Jumping off a building and getting your eyelid caught on a nail.

Whats grosser than gross?
Biting into a hot dog and finding a vein.

Whats grosser than gross?
kissing grandma goodbye and she slips you the tongue

dalepetrie's avatar

What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A canceled Czech.

Vunessuh's avatar

I am tremendously appalled at the lack of integrity you all have.

Btw, why do Jews have big noses? Air is free.

bob_'s avatar

A Taliban militant gets lost and is wandering around the desert looking for water. He finally arrives at a store run by a Jew and asks for water. The Jewish vendor tells him he doesn’t have any water but can gladly sell him a tie. The Taliban begins to curse and yell at the Jewish storeowner. The Jew, unmoved, offers the rude militant an idea: Beyond the hill, there is a restaurant; they can sell you water. The Taliban keeps cursing and finally leaves toward the hill. An hour later he’s back at the tie store. He crawls in and tells the merchant: “Your brother tells me I need a tie to get into the restaurant.”

Vunessuh's avatar

Why do black kids cry when they have diarrhea?
They think they’re melting.

Vunessuh's avatar

I like black people…
...I use to have some black friends till my dad sold them.

thekoukoureport's avatar

@bob
The first muslim lite joke. nice
I notice alot of ethnic and abuse jokes.
A smattering of Christian jokes,
But no Muslims, no Priests, have been abused here. Is it because it hits to close to home?
I am certainly not being judgmental, just wondering from a psychological perspective why?

bob_'s avatar

One day, the church caught on fire. There were 3 men there, a priest, a teacher, and a lawyer. While the men were escaping some children were in the church with them. The teacher says “let’s save the kids!” The lawyer says “fuck the kids!”, then the priest says “do we have enough time?”

iamthemob's avatar

lawyers don’t suggest fucking kids unless the kids are the lawyers’ clients

bob_'s avatar

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined. “You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!” “Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”

The_Idler's avatar

How was copper wire invented?

A Scotchman and a Yorkshireman, fighting over a penny!

bob_'s avatar

Why are women are like parking spaces? Normally all the good ones are taken.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
So, occasionally, when no one’s looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Why are women like postage stamps?

The best way is to lick ‘em, stick ‘em and send them on their way.

bob_'s avatar

A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, “It looks like you blew a seal.” Blushing, the penguin replied, “Oh no! It’s just ice cream.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@bob_ ROFL! Love it.

DeanV's avatar

What you you call an amputee being dragged behind a boat?

Skip.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@dverhey What do you call an amputee laying in a pile of leaves?
Rustle.

What do you call an amputee laying in a pond?
Bob.

What do you call an Irish female amputee sitting on the porch?
Patty O’Furniture.

What do you call twin male amputees hanging from the window?
Kurt and Rod.

iamthemob's avatar

Ahh, amputees!

A young man was walking down the beach when he saw a young girl about his age, crying. She had no arms and no legs. Feeling bad, he asked her why she was crying. She said, “Well, I’m 16 year old, and I’ve never been hugged.” He hugged her, she smiled, and he walked on.

The next day, he encountered the same girl, crying again. He asked again what was wrong, and she stated, “Well, I’m 16 year old, and I’ve never been kissed.” He kissed her, she smiled, and he walked on.

The next day, same thing. He asked her again what was wrong, and she answered, “Well, I’m 16 year old, and I’ve never been fucked.”

He grabbed her head, swung her around and shot-putted her into the ocean. As she sunk beneath the waves, he shouted after her, “Well, NOW you’re fucked!”

bob_'s avatar

@iamthemob Uh oh, repeat! Now you have to do a shot.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Stop vegetable abuse! Buy a dildo!

iamthemob's avatar

@bob_ – I am IMPRESSED that you have kept such a close watch on the thread, and humbly admit my error. I will now take a shot of Johnny Walker Blue Label Scotch. Yeah, the GOOD stuff.

bob_'s avatar

@iamthemob Aww, man, if that’s the punishment, I’m gonna start telling all the jokes all over again.

mrrich724's avatar

How do you keep a negro child from jumping on your bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.

When’s the only time you wink and smile at a black
::imitate yourself looking through the scope of a sniper::

Once there was this little black boy who had to deliver 12 bowling balls across the border, but all he had was a bicycle so he hitched a ride from a trucker. The trucker got to the border and one of the border patrol officers goes around back to check the contents of the truckers load. He turns pale and extends his nightstick, so his partner asks over the radio, “What’s wrong?” He replied, “this man has a truckload of nigger eggs and one’s already hatched and stole a bike.”

Crimsonvibe's avatar

How do you get a hundred babies into a bowl?
A blender.

How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.

What’s better then nailing babies to a wall?
Ripping them off.

How many babies does it take to paint a room?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

deni's avatar

@BoBo1946 your first one was pretty funny, and i normally only like one liner jokes. bravo!

bob_'s avatar

Brokeback Mountain: the first Western where the good guys get it in the end.

c's avatar

Statistically, 9/11 Americans won’t get this.

bob_'s avatar

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can’t peanut butter my dick in your ass.

bob_'s avatar

Hey, I’ve got a joke about my penis! But, you know what, nevermind, it’s too long.

Blackberry's avatar

What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Phelps can finish a race.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

My wife complained that I always push her around and talk behind her back. I said, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

We had a trivia contest the other day and I lost by one point. The question I missed asked where do women mostly have curly hair. Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!

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