I totally believe in expressing feelings and I totally can’t do it. Even at the therapist’s office. Well sometimes there. But that doesn’t count because it goes nowhere.
My wife needs to hear me say “I love you.” I do love her, but the feeling is more abstract now; not like it was when I first met her and it overwhelmed me. Saying “I love you,” in that dry way isn’t appetizing, but I do it because it helps her feel connected to me.
Mostly the feeling words don’t come to me. I tend to try to channel everything into practicalities. If I’m angry, I figure that isn’t very useful at getting me what I want. Maybe in the short term, I’ll intimidate someone with my anger, but in the long term, they won’t want to do anything for me at all.
Today, I was preparing a presentation (making slides). I was anxious about it, and more so as the event got closer. But who am I going to tell that I’m anxious? Instead I started compulsively scratching my head. I can get lost in that, and scratch away for long periods of time, which I didn’t have. Still, it was amazing how hard it was to pull myself away from that and back to my work.
So I guess I tend to keep things to myself. I could tell my wife, but that would be long after the fact, so it wouldn’t help. I could tell her things in real time, but that’s really hard. I prefer to manage my way out of situations. We’re both like that. It’s not always good.