I’ve been in & out of therapy since I was 10.
I’ve been on & off medication for the last 7 years. (Since I was 16.)
My trials with medication.. were.. not great. I had terrible side effects not only from anti-depressants, but low dose tranqs, & mood stabilizers.
If they weren’t making me sick, they were making me a zombie, or careless with feelings of being indestructible. I lost weight—dropping to 90 lbs (I’m 5’6). I got sick. I shook constantly.
Changing meds was also a nightmare.. some took me 6 months to get off of just to start something new that may or may not work.
It was exhausting.. & made me feel like I was damaged & incurable.
Do I like being how I am now? Not necessarily. Do I think I need to get help again & potentially back on meds? Sometimes. I’m not off the meds because I want “danger” or “drama” or want to try & control my feelings—it’s incredibly hard to try & control this constantly. But the side effects make me question how worth it it would be for me to return to that.
My lows are incredibly low. I worry a lot about what I’ll do to myself. To others. But at this point I’m not sure what the right course of action to take is. It’s all sort of intense & too big, ya know?