What if you notice over time that your husband has a type and they look nothing like you? How would that make you feel?

IDK. Do the same to him? Openly tell him the kind of men you find attractive and make sure they seem to have nothing in common with your husband.
I mean, geez. What a cad.

@chinchin31: “From time to time my husband openly tells me about women that he finds physically attractive.”

“Please don’t do this. It hurts my feelings.”

My husband has always been attracted to brunettes, but he married a blonde. We’ve been together 24 years and he hasn’t left me for a brunette yet.

He’s always been attracted to a pretty face and nice ass so he did get that with me, but I have so much more to offer than looks and that’s why he married me.

I think you are over-reacting. In fact, I think you are inventing a problem where nothing exists, He’s talking to you (many husbands don’t), he’s telling you the truth (many husbands don’t) and you go and invent some oddball conspiracy theory.

Get a grip on yourself. He isn’t the problem here. He is being an open and honest guy, not keeping secrets from you. And you want us to say he is wrong?

You need to take a very serious look at yourself and try to ask the following questions:

1) why are you so insecure, to the point of inventing things?

2) why are you looking at a decent and up-front guy (your husband) and crucifying him?

Get a grip, @chinchin31

You are over-reacting. To guys women are like bottles of wine, they each have characteristics that we like. When we find one that really suits our taste we put a ring on it. I’m attracted to earthy brunettes and redheads but married a blonde girly girl. Just let it go, that kind of openness from your hubby says a lot of good things.

A considerate guy would not do this. I’m not going to tell my s/o I find another type of woman attractive. She’s a bit insecure to start with, if I say I like blonde 6 foot amazons sexy she’s going to wilt. Oh and by the way, I don’t have a type.

I used to go out with a guy like that when I was 20. Flirting with other women, complimenting them in front of me, pointing out to me what characteristics he found sexy about them, etc. I didn’t stay with him long. Call it insecure, call it what you want, I didn’t like it. That kind of guy is not for me. I don’t do that to them, and I don’t care for it from them.

If it hurts your feelings, then you should tell him so. How is he supposed to know if you don’t tell him?

On the other hand, is it any different than him expressing a positive opinion about a particular car model, a particular style of house, or the latest fashion trend? It doesn’t mean he desires them; he’s just saying there is something about them that he likes.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you never told him it was okay with you to blatantly state what characteristics he finds attractive in other women, he’s kind of being an inconsiderate jerk.

However, I don’t necessarily think it warrants worry on your part, either. If you’re not okay with it, just tell him that it hurts your feelings and ask him to keep it to himself unless you specifically ask for his opinion. Being attracted to people isn’t the problem, it’s whether or not he acts on the attraction without an agreement within the relationship that would be a problem. But again, do let him know how it makes you feel.

All men are attracted to women that are like their wives/girlfriends and those that aren’t like their wives/girlfriends. It’s just a fact of life. That doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It doesn’t mean he’ll leave you for another woman.

I don’t think it’s fair to call him a jerk for being a normal man.

Wives and girlfriends are also attracted to a variety of men that are different from their husband/boyfriend. So what?

If the commitment is weak enough that attraction might matter.. but if the relationship is based on anything solid at all.. then it really amounts to nothing.

Just like @dammitjanetfromvegas said.. you probably have a lot more to offer than some random hot bimbo wandering down the road. Take confidence from the fact that he’s with you .. not them.

And if the “worst case scenario” happens and he runs off for some trampola then you didn’t need him anyway.

Are all the women he points out a certain type? Or, does he appreciate beauty in many different types? If I were you I would say to him, “you never seem to pick out women that look like me?” See what he says. That’s because I tend to just say what is on my mind, but it’s not always the best thing. Don’t take it as advice, it’s just what I would do.

My husband usually picks out women who look like me, but he prefers a tighter body, leaner. Sometimes it gets to me. He says he doesn’t care if I look perfectly molded and athletic, he is attracted to women who carry themselves with confidence. That’s what he says, but I do think as I have gained even more weight he finds me less attractive sexually. However, we have been married for 22 years and we still look at each other like we are each other’s favorite people to be with. I guess we are getting old. Lol.

I am not my husband’s preferred type nor is he mine, but we love each other deeply, and we do not care that much about physical appearance.

Does he tell you he loves you? Tell him what you have said here: that you noticed that you are not his preferred type, and then see what he says. Remember his words and treasure them.

It bothers me that the word overreacting is thrown around so frequently when women voice legitimate complaints. If someone is hurting your feelings with inconsiderate behavior, it’s perfectly appropriate to bring it up.

@Haleth Completely agree, which is exactly why I called him an inconsiderate jerk if he wasn’t even thinking about how what he was saying might be making her feel. I’m of the opinion that it’s one thing to acknowledge that certain people are attractive, but if he’s bluntly and blatantly stating certain things in certain ways, it’s an asshole move.

You should let him know how you feel about it, though then you put him in the position of having to keep his opinions to himself. My own personal view is that you would be better off accepting this irksome habit, and be wary if the habit magically disappears. We men are silly weak creatures.

@stanleybmanly If the comments hurt her, why should she have to put up with them? So he doesn’t cheat? If he cheats, let him, and then she can kick him to the curb and find someone who respects her and her stipulations for a relationship.

It’s hard to say, in general, without knowing more about the situation. But from what I gathered, it seems as though he’s giving her his unsolicited opinions about the beauty of other women. If they’re in a monogamous relationship and that kind of behavior wasn’t defined between the two of them as acceptable, she has every right to not only say how it makes her feel, but to let him know how uncomfortable it makes her.

@stanleybmanly Can’t he talk about it with his male friends? Nobody expects to be the ONLY person their partner is attracted to. But talking about it repeatedly in front of her is inconsiderate and hurtful.

Like… you could fart right next to someone, or go do it in the other room. It will obviously happen either way, but you don’t have to do it around your spouse all the time.

Ok. I agree that it’s bad to upset the wife, and if his comments are generating this much anxiety, the guy should shut up. Most men (and women) have better sense than to drool over other women (or men) in front of their spouse. But apparently this guy has had the habit from the outset, and the questioner has gradually come to notice it. Now if this is the case, changing the “rules” becomes more problematic.

@stanleybmanly I do agree with you there. If he has been this way all along, she probably knew going into it. But I still think that if she makes it clear that it hurts her, he should be willing to stop his comments around her. It’s a matter of respecting feelings.

I dated a guy years ago that had a type. It was tall, short dark haired women. I’m the complete opposite. Short, long blonde hair. To this day, he still calls me once a week and has asked me many times to marry him.

I don’t think she’s over reacting. I think it’s pretty insensitive for him to discuss these things with her? Shouldn’t that be saved for his guy friends?

Is he insensitive in other ways as well? Manipulative? Passive aggressive?

^ It’s not insensitive or anything. @chinchin31 has just not communicated how she feels about this to her husband yet.

This is the formula:

1. person A does/says x

2. spouse doesn’t like it

3. spouse communicates this to person A

#3 has not yet been done, so person A is completely off the hook. Nothing wrong has been done. What we have here is just a simple case of a lack of communication.

Of course, step #3 could go poorly and then she would be able to evaluate how much of a jerk he is, etc.

The problem is that formula only works in a perfect world, between two perfect people. In real life it can easily go

1. Person A comments on a gal’s sexy, long legs.

2. Person B feels a little hurt.

3. Person B says, “You know, it hurts my feelings when you look at other women and comment.”

4. Person A tells person B to get the hell over it.

5. Argument ensues. Nothing is resolved, B is still hurt and A is just angry and gives person B the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

6. Person A continues to do the hurtful thing.

7. Person B never says anything again because she has been trained not to express any implied criticism of Person A, ever.

^ Re-read my response. None of this has happened. As of now, nothing is wrong. She is just not communicatating her feelings. This isn’t fair to her or him. It puts their relationship in danger and it is dishonest.

If you can be honest about your feelings with anyone, it should be your spouse. She’s being more honest with strangers on the internet than the person she is married to.

And it is very possible that she tells him and they have a better relationship for it. However, there is one thing for certain: If she doesn’t tell him – and continue to just communicate her feelings – then they’re doomed. Or she’ll just be completely miserable.

It is easier to be honest with strangers for several reasons. for one, she is not emotionally invested with strangers. 2)They aren’t emotionally invested in her. They don’t know her insecurities and weaknesses, so they can’t use them against her, which many asshole S/Os do because someone made the mistake of opening up to them at some point.

If a guy is so moronic and jerkful as to comment on how sexy he finds other women, that’s a pretty big clue as to how he will react if “confronted,” even calmly, about his actions

@Dutchess_III: “If a guy is so moronic and jerkful as to comment on how sexy he finds other women, that’s a pretty big clue as to how he will react if “confronted,” even calmly, about his actions”

Most couples I know have things about their relationship that work for them but wouldn’t work for me. Who am I to say what works for each couple. I repeat, who am I to say.

But do you know who is to say? The OP. And do you know what she has “said” so far. Nothing, which = acceptance.

People are not mind readers. And pretending to be ok with something while you’re not is dishonest. It clearly hurts her feelings. But this is the most important part – right now, there is no evidence that it is his intention to hurt her feelings. He might be devastated to learn that she has been hurt by this.

My sister-in-law hates dark chocolate. When she started dating her husband, he would buy her find the finest dark chocolate for her on valentine’s day. But she never told him. They’ve been married for 16 years, and he still spends $100 each year on chocolate she doesn’t like. But do you know who knows about this? He doesn’t, but I do. That’s disgusting. Note: their marriage is a nightmare, and it is no wonder. She can’t even be honest about something as simple as a taste in chocolate.

I have never lied to my wife. If she does or says something that hurts my feelings, I tell her. And she does the same. If I felt that I couldn’t tell her, then it would mean that I married the wrong person. That would be enough to end the relationship immediately.

Lying and dishonesty is about as bad as it gets (morally and for the health of relationships). Whatever the particulars are of problems between people, if someone isn’t being honest, that must be addressed first. The rest is just not relevant.

Again, if she goes to him and he goes all fucktard, then he’s probably an asshole. Either way, the relationship doesn’t seem to be built for longevity if hurt feelings cannot be expressed.

I understand. But not every one can have what you have, @DoNotKnow.

BTW…we need to ask the OP if she’s said anything. Hey @chinchin31…have you said anything to him about how this makes you feel?

@Dutchess_III: “I understand. But not every one can have what you have, @DoNotKnow.”

Have what? A relationship that isn’t built on lies? I disagree. That’s available to everyone.

It’s available if both people in the relationship agree to cooperate. Too many times, one person just can’t handle it and it seriously backfires.

@Dutchess_III: “It’s available if both people in the relationship agree to cooperate. Too many times, one person just can’t handle it and it seriously backfires.”

Then how is that a relationship or a marriage? We don’t usually refer to those we lie to as friends, never mind spouses or people we’ve committed to in any way.

Well, if you’ve never been in such a situation it’s hard to understand, and I get that. And I get that you chose your partner, probably partially based on the fact that you guys could discuss things, and I give you kudos for that. However, sometimes things change and people don’t act the same any more.

And you keep talking about “lying.” Well, if you consider keeping quiet instead of risking an emotional blow up the same thing as lying, then I guess that’s what it is.

Coloma would know what I’m talking about.

Consider this:

Something about you made your partner look twice, despite your not being his usual type. I’d consider that a good thing.

Tastes change. Appearances change. If you’re together just because you match each other’s “type”, good luck.

I just think it’s still disturbing that he __…openly tells me about women that he finds physically attractive._” Anyone over the age of 13 knows that that just isn’t right.

^ I’ve known plenty of couples where this was common and fine (for both the men and women to do this). But that’s not really the issue here.

But obviously she’s not fine with it. She has yet to tell us if she has tried to talk to him, and what his response, or what she thinks his response would be if she did.

Maybe he is trying to make you a bit jealous. In his mind it could be a harmless get-under-your-skin playful kinda thing or it could be a passive-aggressive jerk move. Who knows? Maybe he was hurt about something and didn’t want to admit it, so decided to take a little shot at you. And if you don’t say anything, then you will be resentful and hurt and it will manifest in some other unhealthy way. And back and forth it goes. It can happen subconsciously too – pretty soon you are being distant or confrontational to each other and you don’t even know why.

I agree with others – you should talk about it.

@Lawn I hope it isn’t a “little shot.” That would be fairly passive aggressive. I say always assume your spouse has good intentions, unless you find out otherwise. Bad intentions totally suck in a marriage. Of course, that does happen with some people. Only way to know is ask, like you said, talk about it, and hope you get a truthful answer.

@JLeslie I agree, better to assume good intentions in situations where it isn’t quite clear.

I think your husband is being so insensitive. Tell him that it hurts your feelings so that he will not do it again. Also, so that he can assure you that it’s not a big deal and that he loves you dearly.

I wish telling someone that it hurts your feelings would make it just stop. As sad as it is, for some people, that’s exactly what they’re after, to hurt your feelings, to make you feel unworthy.