Women, can you give me some perspective on my daughter's Facebook behavior?

i think you are being a very good parent. but you need to just kinda “chill out” if i may say so.

from personal experience, i know that if a young adult is too closely monitored and protected, she will stray and be more likely to do bad things. what you mentioned above doesn’t seem to be a huge deal. it seems like just some girl fun, and with what the media is putting out there nowadays, what young, easily persuaded girl doesn’t want to be “sexy”?

if you really feel the need to talk to her about it, just let her know that it’s not okay for a guy to call her that, and not to put herself out there as an object for sex. praise her for being pretty without a sex appeal or for doing good things that don’t involve her appearance.

and if you see a guy calling your 12-year-old sexy, then panic.

i would ask her about it because you are her daddy and you have every right to be worried about your little girl and one day even though it may not be in the near future she will thank you for it because if she becomes a Juno her entire future may be ruined. So just confront her about it and warn her of the dangers she could be putting herself in. I`m 13 and I just dont get into that kind of stuff. She`s lucky to have a parent like you that cares!!

I wouldn’t try to find a bigger meaning in this than there is. The girls are just joking around calling each other and themselves hot/sexy/etc. Perhaps they need the reaffirmation from others to be more secure about themselves etc. It’s nothing to be concerned about, she doesn’t mean “I am sexy, I should sell my body.” Her saying “I am sexy” probably means I feel good about myself, I have a positive body image and I am happy with my shape. Better than “I am fattttttt, now I must go anorexic!” Again, don’t read much into this.

Personally, I would be more concerned about my 12/13 year old being on Facebook in the first place. I don’t think I would allow my kid to get an account there at such a young age. But as long as you are being responsible about it and she has friended you, it should be safe.

Edit – After reading @elenamilla ‘s response, I would like to add that if you do indeed feel that this is a problem. You can talk to your children about the different aspects of beauty. My parents taught me early that it’s better to be beautiful than sexy, intelligent/self sufficient than damsel in distress etc. Most people can be sexy, being beautiful is harder.

I thought you had to be at least 13 to get an account?

I’d talk with her about your concerns. As I’d do this, I’d give her a copy of the Teen Creed:

Teen Creed

Don’t let your parents down,
They brought you up.

Be humble enough to obey,
You may give orders someday.

Choose companions with care,
You become what they are.

Guard your thoughts,
What you think, you are.

Choose only a date
Who would make a good mate.

Be master of your habits,
Or they will master you.

Don’t be a show off when you drive,
Drive with safety and arrive.

Don’t let the crowd pressure you,
Stand for something-
Or you’ll fall for anything.

…Author Unknown
(you can buy these online, or a Christian Bookstores…they’re pocket sized like a credit card)

@eponymoushipster: their TOS say you have to be 13, but they don’t check in any way. So all the people in her class (and I mean all) were already on FB. She was one of the last. They just provide a birth date that allows them to be on. I don’t know why FB bothers to have such a rule if they can’t or won’t enforce it. I don’t think it helps them, should they get sued, since the kids are minors, and therefore their agreement to the TOS is probably not legally binding. I’m not a lawyer, so I don’t know for sure, but that’s the way it seems to me.

@daloon good point I can see that you are very protective and that is good!

I think there’s a big difference between being a sexual object and a sexual person.

I’m not a parent and can’t really imagine what it must be like to be one, so I have no idea what this is like or how it’s supposed to be done—but it seems to me like you are being faced with the prospect of your daughter becoming a sexual person. Which is like, inevitable, even if it’s weird and/or a bummer for you.

It doesn’t sound to me like she’s misbehaving. I think it would be okay to let her have her space and goof around with her friends in this circumstance. But I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Where are our wonderful supermoms, @cak and @augustlan?

Co-signing with @nikipedia on the reality of your daughter, @daloon, making her first forays into being a sexual person. It’s going to be very tame for the next year or so; I wouldn’t worry about it too much at the mo’. ”Non-Threatening Boys Magazine” is the stage where she’s at now, it sounds like; interested in guys and their cuteness (and really, aren’t a lot of people?), but it’s too scary to do more than talk right now.

Stay quietly in the background, keep paying attention as you are, and let her know through your words and actions that you are there for her with any questions, concerns or feelings she may want to talk about. Give her hugs. A lot of fathers push their daughters away as they become teens because they are uncomfortable with their daughters’ growing up. Also know that she may ask more questions of your wife than you, since Mom’s experience and insight is more pertinent.

That’s all I got, being a person who has no children but has seen much.

@cak! @augustlan! We’re putting up the jelly signal!

@daloon true. of course, it’s 13 on here too, probably for the same reasons.

I think that her use of facebook would be similar to using a cellphone. and the way that you as a parent monitors it should be in kind. (i’m assuming she already has a cellphone). no doubt, on her cellphone, she’s having conversations about her development, sexuality, etc.

with a cellphone, she could have “private” conversations (voice/text), send or “post” pictures, and network with people. And, as a parent, you probably check her phone to make sure she’s not being bothered by someone, and at the same time, to make sure she’s “keeping her nose clean”.

but all the same, you let her have it, and don’t stand over her shoulder every time she uses the phone. and, likewise, if she broke the rules or started to seriously misuse the phone, you’d restrict it or take it away.

i’d say the same applies to facebook.

Im not a woman and i havent seen her facebook but remember what we do is only a shield to protect us.

Some people have wondered about the decision to allow her to go on FB. It was a big discussion in our house, let me tell you that. There is always the worry about predators, and we certainly thought about that. There is some new information (I don’t remember where I got it) that suggests this worry is way overblown. The real problem is cyber-bullying. So, I intend to watch for that.

Anyway, we stressed that she should not be giving her name, address, or picture out to anyone she didn’t know personally. She is not allowed to have a picture that shows her face on the home page. However, this does not stop other people who have taken pictures of her from putting them up, and some of those other people do not have the privacy restrictions we insist on. Unfortunately, that’s not something we can control, even if we had kept her off FB.

We’re also pretty concerned about how others might put information about her on the web. She’s involved in a little film making project, and they asked us permission to use her image in marketing materials. I was uncomfortable about that, but I was under the mistaken impression that my wife had said it was ok. She hadn’t. Anyway, we decided to let them use the materials, but my daughter had to use a film name.

It’s hard being a parent in the age of instant information. We’ve discussed cyber bullying with her, and the school has, too. Still, even if you think your kid is mature, you don’t really know how she’ll respond to a stressful situation. I’m inclined to agree with you that it’s just part of growing up, and not part of a self-image problem. Thanks for reassuring me.

She wants to keep a lot of things private—stuff she wants to talk about with friends that she thinks would make her parents uncomfortable. We know she thinks these things, and she knows what we think. Still, it’s difficult entering this passage that everyone has warned us about.

@daloon – as the mother of a 16 yo girl who is on Facebook (so I am, too) and MySpace (so I am, too), I can tell you that most of the time this sort of thing is just “girl talk.” In my daughter’s circle at that age the term sexy was pretty much interchangeable with cute. Now that she is a bit older, everyone in her circle is back to using the word cute instead of sexy.

The biggest thing I think is to maintain a dialog with your daughter. That way if she feels pressured she can come to you or your wife about whatever her problem is. You should indeed monitor her Facebook page, but you may not ever have to step in – just send her one of those annoying Facebook presents every now and then so she knows you think about her (and she is reminded that you are on Facebook, too).

Also continue to stress the various rules of internet safety (the shortest version is from the FBI at http://www.fbi.gov/kids/k5th/safety2.htm but there are others).

Good luck! Enjoy the high spots and grit through the low ones. She will most likely turn out just fine.

You are so sweet!

You are screwed in terms of keeping your daughter from thinking of herself as a sex symbol. She is just at the age when this starts, too. (I’m a girl and remember it well). I started wearing tighter jeans, tongue kissed my first boy… I don’t want to scare you, but she’s feeling a lot of pressure from all forms of media (not just facebook/internet) to be a sexy young woman. She’s also feeling it from friends. Good friends and other girls she sees at school.

A positive thing to do on your end may be just to reinforce that she looks pretty in not-so-sexy gettup when you see her wearing it. Just say one day, “Telulah, you look so pretty in that sweater- I’m going to have to fight off all the boys!”

That reminds her that she’s daddy’s little girl, and she’ll think about you when making clothing choices. She’ll know she has pleased someone by not dressing sexy. Just don’t criticize, because then comes the rebellion.

As for facebook, don’t check it too much, and I wouldn’t be worried about her behavior unless she’s talking about meeting up with strangers. Just keep an eye out for strange friends. Be her protector, but try not to read into what she says as anything other than her testing different behaviors to learn from and add to her grown up personality.

She won’t truly know he own opinion of sexy for another 10 years. She’s probably just trying to be cool. Also, there’s a chance that “sexy” is now slang for “fat.”

@daloon Welcome to the teen years.

My daughter campaigned for a myspace for months. I canceled mine a few years ago when it got so trendy so I know what it’s all about. She is only 10. I finally let her have it (all her friends already do) but with these rules. It is set up through my email account and I get an email for every activity (photo comment, friend request, etc), it must be kept a private account. She is only allowed to have friends that she knows in real life. I only check it occasionally and if I find anything really bad (one friend kept sending dirty jokes) we sit down and talk about it.
A lot of words they use have different meanings to them. We as adults know what sexy implies, but to a young girl right now it’s a synonym for cute. If you over react to something minor then there’s no chance she will feel comfortable talking to you about major issues.
My son (14 yrs) was telling me how one of his friends got dumped because she wouldn’t “put out”. I can’t explain the feeling I got in my stomach at that moment, but I remained calm and it gave us the chance to talk about it without the feeling of a parental lecture.

You all are such good parents on here! I hope when my kids are this old I’ll be just as responsible and thoughtful.

Sexy = cute? Doh! Why didn’t I figure that out? It makes so much sense. Oh well, that’s why I asked the question. Ya’ll are great! Lurve you all!

Thanks so much for grounding me a bit.

I would just talk to her about her vocabulary. Lots of young girls say stuff that they really don’t the meaning of. My neice said she had a gummy bear fetish the other day and I had to explain to her what a fetish was. Just tell her what the definition is and it will probably embarrass her into not saying it anymore.

I dunno I am not a parent but it seems to me like its mostly just harmless chatter between friends. I mean just because they are arguing over who is the sexiest doesn’t really mean they see themselves as sex objects. I mean when I was that age I was saying some crazy stuff. I guess its the safe to assume young girls say equally crazy things just more relevant to their gender.

don’t ask her about the specific incident. the fact that you are her facebook friend is an opportunity that many parents never had, so you are getting an insight into things that most kids wouldn’t outright tell their parents. if you mention the “sexy” thing specifically she might feel embarrassed and might feel the need to hide things from you.

just keep it in mind when you talk to her day to day. help her understand that she is a person worthy of good treatment and not only a sexual object. (a lot of girls really don’t know that about themselves) and try to cultivate acting responsible. in other words think about the future and how you want to help her mature into a healthy responsible adult.

She’s to young!!!!

I would suggest reconsidering the wisdom of a MySpace page for under 14 year olds. Because their friends have a page is no reason to have one. Facebook is a little more sedate; but the events calendars can list open parties in your area.

You might want to also check cell phone photos with some regularity. This is more common than you would think.

So is engaging in oral sex in middle school.

Supermom to the rescue… haha :)

My two older girls (13 and 14) have MySpace and Facebook accounts. Their father and I keep tabs on the accounts, too. I remember the first time I was shocked by something one of them said (it was “What the fuck?”) in an instant message that she failed to close before going to bed. She was 12 at the time, and I could hardly believe that my little girl used such language! She was asleep by the time I found it, so I had the night to calm down a bit. In the morning, I told her I had seen it… she was a bit embarrassed, but we were also able to laugh about it and discuss the concept of “knowing your audience.”

In your case, your daughter knows you can see her account, so she is not thinking she’s doing anything she wouldn’t want you to see. I might discuss it in an offhand way (I find one-on-one car trips are great for this type of thing), but not in a serious ‘we have to talk’ way. I would be far more concerned about her actual appearance, than what she says. Is she dressing, acting, talking, wearing make-up in a “sexy” way? If so, you might want to re-evaluate your rules on appearance. If not, I think you (and she) are doing OK. Lurve to you for being so concerned about your daughter’s well-being.

My daughter did her senior project in high school on internet safety, and you have more exposure to strangers with MySpace than you do with Facebook. Facebook, the privacy settings are such that you can be totally invisible to the outside, such that only people who are in your school can find you. With MySpace, you can be found quite easily through google.

She can’t have a MySpace account (unless she sneaks it) until she’s out of high school, as far as I’m concerned. I hate that place and don’t trust it one bit. However, I think she agrees about that. I think most of the kids at her school probably also understand the difference. She mainly uses Facebook to IM her friends when she’s not in school. There are about six to eight girls in her group, and they seem very tight (and way too many bat mitzvahs).

@daloon – It could be worse. It could be way too many quinceaneras. They cost as much as weddings!

I really think it’s her goofing around with friends. As a parent, my first instinct is to never let my child on the internet..ever. But, we can’t protect them forever. I hate that part.
Let her be herself, let her grow into an adult. I think I’d be worried if I saw pictures that were inappropriate, or if she was talking to boys in a way that she shouldn’t be at that age.
Also, I think Facebook is better than Myspace in regards to this. You can make her profile seen by her friends only, so no creepers, and you can see what she’s up to. At some point though, you can’t keep checking up on her. I don’t know what age that would be.
My parents JUST got Facebook recently…it feels weird. I feel like I can’t be myself on there any more, but it’s not like I was posting racy photos or anything. lol

I just found out last night that my niece has another facebook page that she uses. I would search her name in facebook and make sure she doesn’t have another one. My nieces other one is for manga and all of her friends are manga fans which I know nothing about.

Myspace can also be made private. No one can access my daughters info without being on her friends list first. If you search by email address you will get the main picture and headline. That’s all.
My daughter is seen by strangers every day just by being at the mall, grocery store, park, wherever. If the most a stranger can do on myspace is see her one photo, I don’t see it as any worse than being out in the real world. Myspace and facebook are both basically the same thing. A bunch of kids, a bunch of adults who want to act like kids, and of course weirdos looking for easy targets.

@elijahsuicide – What I find interesting about MySpace is the huge numbers of friend requests I get from folks I have never even heard of. I don’t play games on MySpace so it doesn’t seem to be for that. If I ignore them or refuse them, they try again and again. Who are these people and why are they so persistent?

On Facebook, though, it seems to be acceptable to refuse friend requests that don’t explain why they want to be your friend. Once turned down they seem to disappear into thin air.

@Darwin
I think you get a lot more requests when random people can view your page. I know I got 50+ a day. The rule is that she can not approve a friend request if it’s not someone she knows in real life. I check her account, I look over her friends list. If I see someone I don’t know, I ask her. I think she follows the rules very well, because she knows how I am and that she will lose myspace in a heartbeat if I catch her doing anything seriously bad.

There’s a lot more commercial trolling and spamming tied to MySpace, and it’s not like being seen out it public; it’s like letting strangers walk through your house. There is a higher incidence of friend of a friend of a friend type of connections, and a higher incident of adults posing as teens.

My MySpace page is as private as I could make it. Yet I still get lots of friend requests out of the blue there.

At the first sign of any problems with strangers, her account will be deleted.
I’m not going to freak out over something that I still haven’t seen a sign of. She handles herself properly with regards to my rules, and I’m aware of her activity.

my kids have myspace. they are 13, my daughter’s is private but my son lied so his isn’t- he ‘friended me’ and I sometimes am totally shocked at the photos and comments on there- really young girls with lots of cleavage and cigarettes hangin out their mouths-really sexual comments- I havent said anything cause I dont want him to take me off-id rather know and see than not. I just pray that he knows what a condom is and has good sense. (they are both back in my country, I can only really talk to them online). I dont know if he’s having sex or not-he doesn’t seem to be getting comments from strangers.