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serenityNOW's avatar

Did I make a mistake by telling a co-worker i'm bipolar?

Asked by serenityNOW (3643points) July 20th, 2009 from iPhone

The problem is that my fellow employee is close with my boss. Plus, I’m in management and my boss is always looking for “intel” to use against her team. (She’s not a good manager.) I’m now having doubts that I shouldn’t have spilled the beans…

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17 Answers

shilolo's avatar

Seems like it’s too late now to undo what you did. I think it would be illegal to get demoted or fired based on this information (it is a medical condition, after all). Your two options are to pretend like it’s no big deal or to have a discussion with your co-worker and ask that (s)he keep your confidentiality intact. (S)he may or may not, but you might feel better knowing you asked. The issue is that if you ask for confidentiality, your coworker might then think it’s a bigger deal than it is. I’m not sure what the best approach is.

Bri_L's avatar

If your ok with it, under what circumstances did you share the information. That migh help us answer.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Cat’s out of the bag now.
Generally, it’s not a good idea to discuss your health issues with co-workers.

serenityNOW's avatar

Hi Bri: I told her in an informal conversation in our breakroom after she told me she was bipolar, too. I just don’t know how to gauge her respect toward my health versus her loyalty to my boss.

avalmez's avatar

owing strictly to the lack of progress made by society towards understanding mental health issues it would probably be better not to have said anything about it outside of family. there are many things best left to your personal life so not the only case. that said, people at work often develop personal relationships and in such cases depends on the nature of the relationship. sounds like you have reasons for concern without having said anything. hope it works out for you.

also, many companies have strict policies regarding the confidentiality of information relating to employee health. that you volunteered the information to a co-worker may impact the applicability of such policies in your case. this is something you should be able to discuss freely with your hr folks

fireinthepriory's avatar

Well, if she’s bipolar, too, it would be really ridiculous for her to use it as leverage against you! I guess anything’s possible, but if I were in your shoes I probably would have done the same thing. It’s hard to not share when someone else divulges something personal that you have in common. There’s a strange tie in that whole “me, too!” thing when it comes to this kind of stuff. (In high school I found out a close friend’s father had died a few years back, and so had mine. Our other friends were very surprised when we both reacted almost excitedly!)

serenityNOW's avatar

Hi Fire,
It was exactly that scenario. “Wow, I am too!”

Well, as many have pointed out, the issue is out there. I have longevity at my job despite being bipolar. It’s not if my competency or ability is going take a dive just because the “secret” is out.

Bri_L's avatar

I think that, given the fact she shared the same information with you, there is less need for concern than there would normally be. She can empathize with you and what concerns you have. I would be very surprised if she would divulge that information in a hurtful manner.

SirBailey's avatar

Since she’s bipolar, also, I doubt she will tell anyone about you. She might, if she’s comfortable telling everyone about HER disorder. I would come up with a minor reason you don’t want her to repeat it. If you make a big deal about it with her, you’ve shown her what buttons to push on you. She can hold it over your head.

Don’t talk any more about it. If someone else comes to you and says “Hey! I hear you’re bipolar!?” you might say that you only said that to the woman as a knee jerk reaction to her telling you.

You shouldn’t have said anything. Make sure you take your meds and things are under control.

dalepetrie's avatar

Here’s how I see it, and I’ll go from the standpoint of someone who has a health issue (diabetes) and who has worked in a large corporate environment for a female supervisor who was always digging for dirt on her employees. This was a large company and a VERY political work environment, and I am not a political person…I’m a roll up my sleeves and get the work done, mind your own business and don’t try to cause trouble person. In these political environments it’s less about what you know than who you know…it’s about finding the right people to do your work through, it’s about using the right people as resources to accomplish your personal goals. I’ve preferred smaller companies where you do the work because it needs to be done, you figure it out as you go along, you look for better ways, and don’t necessarily follow the process or the path because it’s there. So, I was CONSTANTLY at odds with my supervisor. I felt as though she’d communicate her objectives to me for what she’d want me to do in a way that I’d go into it thinking, I need to get from point a to point b, and when I’d deliver point b, I’d find out that she had this complex ideal of how things should have been done, who should have been involved at what steps, etc…like she was very specific in her desires for how to do things, but not specific enough to actually try to communicate them to me, and therefore I never lived up to her expectations. She actually made me doubt my own abilities, and I at one point pretty much decided to reveal to her that I was diabetic, and that perhaps some of my problems in not necessarily understanding her direction might be due to a sort of mind fog, in hopes that maybe I’d be able to persuade her to be more specific about things if they were of great importance to her because this “condition” maybe made it harder for me to read between the lines. In a way, I kind of used it, because I know that a large company like that would not terminate me because I have a disease…that would be crazy.

Long and short, I think in that setting, I did not have one major concern that I do have when I work for smaller employers. You see, with a smaller employer, it’s a pretty big financial burden to offer health care to their employees. And often they are going to go with age tiered plans and the goal is for the insurer to make money. If you have a person who has diabetes, who is going to the doctor 4 times a year, and is on several expensive medications, I am getting my money’s worth out of my insurance plan, but it’s making the plan less profitable for the insurance company…so they have to raise their rates, or offer a different type of plan to compensate. And a smaller employer which has to keep a tight reign on the bottom line can see a person like me as a liability, someone who is costing them several thousand extra dollars per year over and above my salary because of the health care piece of the puzzle. So that’s one reason, particularly in a smaller employer why I would NEVER confide this to any co-worker, even one I trusted.

I guess however, in a setting like what you describe, it’s not necessarily a mistake. However you should tell yourself two things. #1, it doesn’t matter IF this other person shares your malady, you HAVE to assume that she told your boss…she may not have, but you HAVE to assume she did, it’s just a fact of life, particularly in the type of environment where there are enough politics to allow a person to be on the lookout for dirt on her employees, that any employee will share whatever information they have which might be of use to the person who can give them (or recommend them for) a promotion (or at least see that they keep their jobs when others don’t in this economic circumstance). #2, you can assume that now that they know you have BPD, they will not use that as a cause to get rid of you, but if they want to get rid of you, regardless, they will find a way. In most states now, employment is considered “at will” which means you can quit and they can let you go for basically any reason as long as it doesn’t violate some law (such as the Americans with Disabilities Act). Basically though, if you have any performance issues, or if there is ANY reason your boss may simply wish to get rid of you, learning that you have BPD could be the straw for her. It could be that one thing that she sees as a liability, perhaps she’ll be able to construct in her head a hypothetical about how this could impact your performance in a way that is not in line with the corporate objectives. And if that’s the case, your supervisor will make sure she has dotted all her i’s and crossed all her t’s before she makes her move.

Now maybe she doesn’t hate you, but doesn’t want you in her department, such was the situation I encountered. She might work to get you transferred to a different department if you work for a company which has a large enough structure to do so. In my case however my supervisor (even though I had take a HUGE pay cut and title cut from my previous position and made a huge leap afterwards to an environment where my boss and the owner of the company thought I did a magnificent job) felt that maybe I was “under-qualified” and would have perhaps looked into demoting me or getting me transferred to a lower level position, which was not feasible and was insulting. I firmly contend that she was the problem, not I but she would not accept or act on the things I told her where were sabotaging my ability to succeed, instead she chose to point fingers and place blame and take actions which just made the situation worse. In my case, when they restructured the department, my position was eliminated…this way she did not have to find a way to let me go without me being able to claim discrimination. Had I not said something, it is POSSIBLE that she might have decided to terminate me or demote me or something else…maybe not, maybe it never entered into it, and I have no idea if she felt more or less like trying to “coach” me in the right direction after I confided in her…I could never really read her.

But I do know this….because people can be prejudiced, because chronic diseases can cost companies money through lowered performance and higher insurance costs, and because an employer can get rid of you at any time, it’s best NOT to share these details with your employer. There’s a reason there are privacy acts in place to keep insurers from sharing your medical records with your employer after all. But on the flipside, if it comes up that your employer does find out, that is where the ADA comes in. Now, if your employer fires you for what they say is poor performance or “lays you off” as part of a “restructuring”, it’s a pretty hard thing to prove that the “real reason” you were let go was because of your illness. And the only thing you really can do is gather as much data as you can.

What I would do if I were you is this. First I would educate myself as much as possible on the ADA, try to really understand it so that you can discuss it. Next I would work on documenting examples of ways in which your boss has gathered intel and ways in which she has used it against you and co-workers who also work for her. Then schedule a CONFIDENTIAL meeting with HR when you have enough information so that you can create a narrative which touches on the main points…1) your boss gathers and uses intel against her employees as evidenced by the following examples, 2) you have reason to believe that she has been made aware of a chronic condition you have, and 3) it makes you uncomfortable knowing 1 and 2 in light of what the ADA has to say about this type of situation, so you wanted to make sure to document your concerns, in case it should ever come up. In this way, you can make the guardians of policy and human actions in your company aware of the fact that you will not be a person who simply rolls over if you are wronged. Do not approach it in an accusatory, but rather a cautious manner, making clear that you are simply trying to make sure you document your concerns in case it should ever become necessary for you to do so.

augustlan's avatar

I hate the fact that this is even an issue. I think that after someone knows you and your abilities, it shouldn’t have any effect on their view of you to learn that you’re bi-polar.

The big picture view is that the more people who know someone with a mental illness, the less stigma there will be in the long run. So maybe you’ve done a bit of good for the future of all those affected.

Bri_L's avatar

@augustlan – agreed

@jonfreed – am also bipolor

marinelife's avatar

What’s done is done. I hope for a good outcome for you.

In future, because of the society we live in, I would not share something like that in a new workplace.

What is a concern with being bipolar is that any emotion that you show or position that you take or attitude that you have is likely to be attributed to you being bipolar rather than to you simply reacting to a work problem. Who needs that?

loser's avatar

I’m bipolar too! I have told a few people at work and so far it hasn’t been a problem. I hope it won’t be for you but try to be gentle on yourself. You can’t undo it now do whatever happens is just going to happen.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If you’re asked, the answer should be, as it is with many questions not appropriate in the workplace, “Why ever would you need to know the answer to that question?”

Bri_L's avatar

@Marina – I am sorry I didn’t really follow this:

What is a concern with being bipolar is that any emotion that you show or position that you take or attitude that you have is likely to be attributed to you being bipolar rather than to you simply reacting to a work problem. Who needs that?

Violet's avatar

If anything happens, you and sue. Bipolar is a mental disability.

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