Is it better to try & keep someone "innocent" or let them figure things out on their own?

Figure things out on their own, or else how do they plan on living? It should be okay to nudge them though.

@Samurai
– Right, but at the same time if I see a path of destruction, do I sit back & watch it?

Younger siblings are usually influenced by older ones, not much you can do besides changing how you are yourself.

That makes complete sense. But, do you think there’s a way around that? I don’t encourage being a hypocrite- but if I can’t change does that mean he’ll follow in my footsteps no matter what? Cuz I’m pretty deep into things I don’t wish for him to be into..

Have him watch science channels instead of comedy, that might work right? You could also make up lies about what you did at that age, that could affect him.

The thing is, also, that the older you get- the faster the younger generations catch up to you. So, although he’s not doing what I did back then, he’s interested in doing what I am doing now. Which scares me.

Idk what to say, your writers of your own story, nothing is set in stone.

I live with my sister and her 15 year old son and her twins. Her son is pretty much like I was. Listens to punk rock and skateboards. I tell him the truth. Here is the bad shit that can happen from sex. And here is how to protect yourself. I gave him condoms. I know where he keeps them. The box had one missing and I asked him about it. He said he was practicing putting one on. I believe him.

I think honesty works best. Nobody ever told me anything and I kinda fucked up my life. A little guidance from someone that went through what I was dealing with would have been nice. I had to sort of figure it out on my own.

Be sensitive and let him guide you. If he asks, tell him what you think and know.

@johnpowell
– I agree honesty is the best thing. But from my experience, if an older sibling told me what they had done- it was kind of like a “oh they did it, it must be okay” thing. & I really don’t want him to think that.. I’ve always got guidance- we’ll I’d say it was more of others telling me not to do- & it’s led me to still doing things the way I do.. I suppose it just depends on the individual?

@zen- How can I let him guide me when he’s the one that hasn’t been on the other side?

Try doing what your parents didn’t, if that doesn’t work, your out of ideas from me.

@seventeen123 _As far as you know… hey I’ve been 15, and my kids have been 15… trying on a condom for size… come on!

Let him come to you.

@seventeen123 :: The talks are usually more like, “I got really fucked up, told all my friends I hate them, pissed my pants and passed out on the porch.”

With my sister, my philosophy has been to let her do whatever she is going to do. I’m not her keeper. I don’t know what she does after school.

If I happened to learn that she was doing something stupid or dangerous I’d talk to her about it, but I don’t try to figure out what she’s up to.

I think a lot of this is based upon the assumption that my sister is a lot like me. I was always good at keeping things hidden, while watching out for myself and not doing anything too stupid. If you don’t think your brother is like that, don’t follow my example.

With siblings, there is no harm providing guidance as the oracle, “If you do this, then most likely this will happen.” or “That is a really stupid thing to do because___.” All questions should be answered honestly, including the answer “I don’t know.”

Two truths from the other side of 50:
1. They always shoot the messenger. No one likes hearing the truth at the time they hear it.
2. Failure is often the best teacher.

I think you can share your experience to the extent that you want and tell him what you’ve learned from it as seems appropriate to his age and what he’s going through. Beyond that, I would ask him if he wants advice and let him ask for it when he wants to.

My parenting philosophy has always been to give my son gradually more and more independence and responsibility and to pull it back if he shows that he is unable to handle it. I knew that once he turned 13 or 14 and was bigger than I, that I could no longer tell him what to do… just like I didn’t listen when I was that age. So I made a point to plant good seeds before that time, and to try to be a good role model and guide since that time.

In the case of a younger sibling, the best thing you can do is to be a true best friend:
1) LISTEN; 2) Be honest; 3) Don’t be a hypocrite.

Always express your concern in a way that conveys that you love him and believe in him; rather than you are trying to be bossy and controlling because you are older – and realize that no matter how you may express yourself, the way it is interpreted by the other person is entirely up to them. Even the best intentions can backfire, so choose your words and battles carefully.

You can “tell someone what to do” but if it’s force that you use to get them to do what you tell them to do, you’ve already lost. Children should only do what parents tell them to do if they respect the advice of their parents. They will only respect the advice if it is usually good advice. Hypocritical advice is not good advice, unless you tell the whole truth behind the hypocrisy—admitting mistakes and showing efforts to change.

Respect has to do with consistency and honesty and wisdom on the part of the person who wants to be respected. You don’t have to be good in order to be honest or have wisdom.

Respect for the adviser isn’t the only part of the equation. There’s another aspect to advice and how it is received: how the advice is given. You can tell someone what they should do, or you can tell them how you learned or earned the wisdom you are about to impart. The second usually works better. If the person you are talking to can see the whole story, warts and all, it has more credibility.

I believe the saying: “information wants to be free.” The more we know, the better off we all are. In other words, innocence is not a good thing. I believe your sibling will be better off if you share your experience with him.

Share your experience! Notice I do not urge you to tell him what to do. I think you should tell him your story. What you did; why you think it is a mistake; how you care about him; how you hope he will make different choices than you did.

In doing this, you have to be aware that he did not ask you for any advice. I don’t know what your relationship with your brother is. I don’t know how close you are, nor how much you have shared with him in the past. I don’t know how well you trust each other. So figuring out how to share your story with him is up to you. You’ll have to pick a time and place where you can be private, and that is conducive to sharing secrets.

Tell him your story. Don’t tell him what to do. Tell him what you wish you had done. Tell him which decisions you regret. Tell him what your hopes for him are. But don’t tell him what to do! After that, it’s up to him.

Doing it this way allows him to make his own choices, but with the benefit of knowing your experience and your thoughts about your experience. He doesn’t have to figure out everything on his own, unless he wants to. In telling your story, I would tell it honestly—both the good and the bad. I wish I knew what you were talking about—what kind of mistakes you are talking about. But, my advice is generic, I guess. Good luck.

It’s been said above. Let them figure it out on their own. That’s the only way they learn. I speak from experience.

My own experience of life has taught me that the only experiences I have learnt from have been my own

I have a friend that was intentionally kept “innocent”, all her life. Going as far as even blocking her inherent desire to figure it out on their own, with disinformation.
Her fathers way of keeping total control over her, (his intent to keep her home) her husbands was to keep his insecurities under control.

She became a frightened, submissive adult with a confused sense of empathy, trusting everyone with a smile and a piece of “candy”.

To visualize this. Take an innocent 8 year old. Put them into a 30 year old body and cut them loose on the world.

Keeping someone “innocent” or letting them figure things out on their own.
Is a balance that you always have to consider the individuals goal to better themselves and be best prepared (safe) to eventually face the future.

WIl the “wisdom” you wish to provide benefit you (ego or control) or them?

I do not see how by any means it could be “wrong” to help a sibling out by sharing your experiences. But before you do so you must ask yourself this question “why am I sharing this?”. If it is more for your benefit or just to have a fun time talking then don’t do it. However, if you can think of a clear reason this may help out your sibling then do go ahead and share.

People are right that you learn by your own experiences. However even if you do share your sibling will learn by their experience. You just might be able to help that experience be positive instead of negative. They will have “experiences” no matter what you choose to do.