Social Question

Spinel's avatar

What is up with this guy? I'm receiving conflicting signals?

Asked by Spinel (3220points) January 26th, 2010

Some of you may remember my shy guy question . I applied some of the suggestions that week…and he smiled without flushing for once. But during these last two weeks he has become distant – more distant than the South Pole.

I was ready to count my losses and move on. But today he reopened the proverbial can of worms. It all started in this morning’s class. You see, I sit in the second row from the front, right behind him. Everyone was assembled and the class had officially begun, the professor having already launched into his lecture. That’s when he turned around in his seat a 180 degrees with a strawberry red face. He asked me why I was so tired yesterday. Of course every eye in the classroom went to us…followed by background giggles.

At lunch break, I went by him as I headed for the door. He was chatting with another guy and suddenly switched the subject to marriage when I passed.

At the end of the day, I was departing, and he was going to basketball practice. He jerked to a halt and attempts casual chat with me, the typical “how were you today” questions. He stuttered through it and I was the one who finally ended it and said good bye (much to his relief).

Summary: What’s going on here? He ignores me for two weeks and than takes great pain to socialize with me. Is he interested or just trying to apologize in a strange way? I’m a bit belittled here.

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20 Answers

cyn's avatar

Ask him if he likes you. Sometimes a girl need to make the first move. ;)

Haleth's avatar

I read your other post. He sounds great. :)

I think that he’s just very socially awkward. When people are very reserved, it can be because they like it that way, but a lot of the time it’s just because they don’t know how to talk to other people and they’re scared of doing the wrong thing. It sounds like he likes you, but he doesn’t know how to handle the situation so his behavior comes across really weird. He’s probably very anxious over this.

Cruiser's avatar

Don’t try and second guess his intentions…..just follow your heart…it is really all you have!

Nullo's avatar

You surprised him, I think. Had to regroup. Now he’s returning to the arena.
This is not my field of expertise, but I’d say that your odds are pretty good.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

His social skills may be getting in his way of communicating his interest in you.

Give him an opportunity to sit and talk with you privately and you can get to know each other better.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It sounds to me like he’s trying to improve his socialization skills, and is putting his coaching into practice. Do you have his e-mail address or phone number? Perhaps you could text or e-mail him, and ask if he could meet you for coffee or at a bookstore, somewhere with more anonymity than the classroom. He may do better “talking” with you through written communication at first.

daemonelson's avatar

Sounds like he’s nervous as all hell. This tends to be a good sign that someone likes you or is socially inept. Or both.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I have Aspergers Syndrome. His behavior reminds me of myself at that age. He’s not trying to be difficult, he has no idea how to act in this kind of social situation. He is definitely intereseted in you but has no idea what to do. For someone with his level of social skill development, he is being very brave. I simply gave up after being rejected once and never dated until I was 38. As @PandoraBoxx suggeseted, communicating with him by text or email will almost certainly be much easier at first if he is an “aspie”. You could also read up on Aspergers Syndrome (I’m fairly certain thats what he has) and see if the description is a good fit. We can be hard to get to know, but fiercely loyal once you do.

If you can get past his social ineptitude and the chemistry is there, you may have found an utterly loyal partner. You’ll best be prepared to coach him in social situations. If you’re not interested in a serious relationship, best stay away from this guy; you could hurt him very badly if you lead him on and then drop him. Aspies are very easily hurt that way.

Just remember that his awlwardness is not an act. He genuinely doesn’t know how to act socially. Try the written route to break the ice and remember that he can be very fragile emotionally. A good site to ask questions about people with Aspergers Syndrome is “We are Autism”. PM me with any specific questions, I’d be happy to answer or find out for you.

ninjacolin's avatar

have you tried the teasing/insults thing yet?
sounds like he needs more. he has to get to the point where he can tease you back.
(i’m not saying rush it though.. i’m just saying in general, this is what needs to be accomplished eventually for this whole thing to work)

irocktheworld's avatar

He’s probally just a shy guy or maybe he’s really nervous to talk to you because he likes you so much.:) You should try to have another convosation but talk about school or things you have in common! You should get closer to him.I have these guy problems all the time! I’m still trying to figure them out!:P

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@ninjacolin If he has AS, teasing him would drive him away permanently. Personal experience.

marinelife's avatar

Ask him out for a coffee date.

aprilsimnel's avatar

OK, after all this, I’ve got a question or two for you to ask yourself:

Are you really interested in getting to know this guy? Or are you flattered by the attention?

If you’re really interested, then talk to him. If you’re merely flattered by the attention, then I don’t know what to tell you, perhaps I guess it’s still talk to him, if only to see if he’s someone you would like to know further. I notice a lot of people go into dating scenarios merely because they like that someone is giving them romantic attention, and not because they actually like or are interested in getting to know the other person. Know where you stand before you proceed, is what I’m saying.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Now that he’s figured you have an interest and he’s shown reciprocal interest then he’s on to the next step, fishing to find out if you’re single and available? Sometimes people will ask/joke, “rough night? Tired? Partying much?” to see what you say about what you do with you off time. If you two are just getting into small talk then find a way to drop that it’s great to be tired from being out on a date or something but not so fun when tired is from studying, working or whatever.

janbb's avatar

Oh G-d, high school! He likes you, kiddo, and he doesn’t know what to do.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

To put something into perspective that @stranger_in_a_strange_land said: If he has Asperger’s Syndrome he just won’t “get” teasing, and it will send him for a loop (and possibly into a semi-permanent withdrawal, at least from you). The best analogy I can think of for that is “why people are afraid of heights” so often. Well, we can’t fly! It’s very natural and normal to be somewhat “afraid” (or even terrified) of being in high places—because that’s inherently dangerous, since we have no coping mechanism in case we fall.

Some people are “afraid” of boats and the water because they can’t swim.

Well, your boy apparently can’t “navigate” social situations (whether he has AS or not, clearly he’s lacking in this area), so consider how you would feel if you were hanging onto a cliff for dear life and someone started teasing you. Your job with this guy is to make him feel safe—and for the sake of both of you to afford yourselves some moderate privacy for this—so that he can open up to you.

Good luck.

phil196662's avatar

He’s making some small talk with you that could be viewed as a beginning, each time he talks to you wait a few hours like he talks in the morning then you wait for lunch time to say hi to him. keep it going back a forth and if you like him wait less time even if he takes longer. As he gets comfortable with you he should reciprocate sooner and then eventually a movie ticket

dogkittycat's avatar

I don’t know I’ve had guy confustion lately too, seems to be a lot of that lately:(

lonelydragon's avatar

I don’t know if this helps, but I’m shy, like your love interest. If I am really interested in someone, I find myself ignoring him because I’m afraid he’ll reject me. Also, I don’t like to initiate conversation because if the other person approaches me, it’s easier for me to gauge his level of interest. Maybe your shy guy feels the same way, hence the reason that he didn’t talk to you for a while. He might’ve needed those two weeks to muster up the courage to talk to you again! When he was talking to his friend, it sounds as if he was hoping you’d notice him (but he continued the conversation so that he wouldn’t be standing around by himself, looking like a fool if you didn’t approach him).

If you think that asking him out yourself would not be a good idea, then trust your instincts, because they’re probably correct. But you still need to put yourself out there a little bit and throw him some crumbs of encouragement! :) Initiate casual conversations with him. Smile when you see him, and laugh at his jokes (of course, do this in moderation, otherwise he’ll wonder why you’re laughing like a goon).

Good luck! I hope everything turns out well for you.

BTW, if I misunderstood your question, and you’re not interested in him, feel free to take my advice and throw it out the window! Haha.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@CyanoticWasp You explained it much bettter than I could. Thanks!

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