Advice?

Move on mate; she’s not worth it. If she’ll hurt you after five years like that, then there is no point in attempting to continue a relationship that is one-sided.

I agree with the100thmonkey and maybe she wasn’t good with break ups, so only way she knew how to end it was running from it.

@relhelp

Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep resisting the urge to contact her. I know it’s really hard to do this, but just think of how she made you feel (in those bad moments) and as @the100thmonkey said, move on. Negative, selfish people just suck energy and happiness out of you.

Humans are strange creatures, aren’t we? We crave intimacy with another person, but often when it’s offered to us on a silver platter, we ignore it.

@relhelp : We can’t really give you detailed advice since we don’t know the girl in question. What we can do is tell you from our own experience what we’ve done in similar situations.

I once dated a man (I know you’re new here, so you don’t know I’m gay) who continued to date and meet other men. I had 3 choices:

1. I could fight it and be miserable.
2. I could accept it, take what he was offering me forgetting the rest, and be happy.
3. Or I could leave.

I chose #2. I chose to accept the attention he was willing to give me when he was willing to give it. At other times, I forgot about him.

We did eventually break up, but it was amicable. (Interestingly, I’ve forgotten his name.)

I hope my experience helps you.

By the way, welcome to Fluther. Stick around. Ask more questions. Share some answers. It’s fun.

You would be miserable together. She would always want to be with someone else, and you would always feel unsatisfied because you would know that she doesn’t really love you and is seeing other people.

Sounds to me like she never was committed to you from the beginning, (with all the interest in other people…).
Find yourself someone who wants to spend time with you and not keep you on periphery.
and keep away from calling her!
Best of luck to you.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction, all the signs are there like neon, she spends more time talking to this other dude, she hides the conversation are use some nebulous ”It is a work thing”, unless she is in the medical field and they are doing trials of some treatment or layers where they are working a case that requires them to chat that much at work and out seems very suspect, and she makes whatever excuse not to move in or give a time table for when it will happen; it is time to leave. As an introvert I know you are fearing loss over the desire to gain because you feel if you don’t have her you will be with out for a long time. But essentially you don’t have her now, you are alone she is just present part of the time to really hone in that you are alone.

You can put the theory to a test, don’t call her and see how much of an effort she makes calling you? Also see if she uses that as an exit to bail and go with this other guy rather than trying to get to the bottom of why you haven’t call or making an effort to get closer and reconnect. If she can’t do that then it is time to move on, What good would it be to hang on to toy that is broken or a watch that won’t keep time? The enjoyment you want you will not get from it.

Are you saying she cheated? Or that she had friends who were guys?

Cold. Bitch. Welcome to fluther.

You’re doing the right thing in resisting the urge to contact her. Keep it up. She sounds like she might be the sort of person to try and call you once she’s realised she’s losing her grip on you. If she does, you’ll gain great strength by telling her you’re not interested.

She should eat yarn and die.

Honey, you’ve been a doormat and letting her walk all over you for 5 years. This is not the behavior of someone that is at all interested in being in a relationship with you. The only questions I have is why you’ve let it go on this long. You should have dumped her on her lying, cheating ass long ago.

The relationship you’ve had with her has been one sided. You’ve been “in a relationship,” she has not. She has considered herself single for all these years and has been behaving like it. I don’t know what all you’ve been doing for her for all these years for her to continue with the charade that she’s dating you, but its long past time to stop. She’s been “walking away” for years and you just kept being there when she walked back. This is not something sudden, this is not “out of the blue,” this is a continuation of the shitty pattern you’ve been allowing yourself to stay in for years.

You’ve finally started growing some balls, continue in the process. Find some self-confidence and you’ll find someone worth your time who actually wants to be in a relationship with you rather than someone who merely wants to take advantage of you for the things you’re doing for her.

Be thankful that it was ONLY 5 years. No marriage. Plus no kids.
Move on. Learn from the experience.
Easier said than done.

Yeah, move on, find someone who cares. Honestly though, I would have done something sooner if I was you, sounds like this was coming for a long, long time. That sucks

Sorry you wasted your years…..GOOD RIDDANCE!

Be glad you escaped the abuse without dragging kids into it. She has problems you wouldn’t ever have been able to fix, problems related to her basic conduct and treatment of humans. You’ve learned to trust your instincts, and know how tough it is to act on them. I guess she will continue to do this until she can’t attract men anymore, then be lonely and alone when she needs someone most. You know what not to do to others, and have a huge amount of healing to do. It will be hard to trust someone again, but you have to do it eventually – keep busy, there’s no easy way out of the emotional pain. She lost a good man. Do not speak to her, she may come back for a second round when she has a slow spell. She cheated, she’s trash and she can rot – alone and suffering more than you ever will.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I’m afraid you ignored or failed to see a lot of clear signs that this woman was not being faithful to you. She was cheating and lying to you right in front of your face. She was clearly using you. Not sure how come you couldn’t see that.

You need to use this as a wake up call. You need to put this whole situation behind you, but pay attention to all the things that she said and did and don’t put up with that kind of crap ever again.

But don’t get into that mode of thinking that all women are like that. They are not. You need to learn to see things for how they really are. Maybe talk with some of your friends, both male and female and let them give you some advice on what to look for in a “good woman” and how to spot the signs that you may have picked a bad one.

Your former girlfriend was pretty “in your face” with her cheating and lying. You don’t have to become a person who is guarded all the time. You just need to learn to be a person who can see things very clearly from the beginning. Once you learn how to do this, you should be able to spot “bad behavior” immediately and walk away from it quickly and not wait until 5 years has passed.

You might want to get a few sessions with a therapist that deals with “couples issues” and have them give you some exercises to learn how to better seek out what you want and need from a mate.

Don’t underestimate the ability of your parents to find you a suitable wife, either.

I hope that by now you understand that there is no point in pursuing this relationship and that you are focusing in moving on.
The way I see it, it takes two to tango. As with every story there are two sides. We only know hers through your words —and that is probably very subjective. Consequently, I am only going to concentrate on your side, and so should you. …she had this habit of chatting/ going out with every guy she met either in our locality or workplace. YOU and only YOU let this happen. It is your fault, no one else to blame. Unless couples get to an agreement that they can have “close friends” and go out outside the relationship, this is not OK. …I felt uncomfortable. Next time speak up! Right then and there. …She told me that she was committed… Actions speak louder than words. She was giving away signs that she wasn’t, but you probably didn’t want to see them and preferred to live in denial. …she again found a new guy at the workplace and she was constantly chatting and calling him… If you let her get away with this without any consequences, why would she stop doing something that she obviously enjoyed? To ensure that I did not come across as jealous and control freak,… Setting boundaries and coming to agreements on what is acceptable or not in the relationship does not constitute controlling.
_…I told her we should move in together…And she just walked away._This alone should make you understand that in the best scenario she wasn’t in love with you any longer and realized that it was better to part.
You need to analyze yourself and reflect on the way YOU behaved, not on the way she behaved, so that you have a better understanding of where YOU went wrong and would not allow this to happen to you again.

I am grateful to the flutter community for their kind and honest opinions. I should have joined this forum earlier. Your advise is very helpful and I am trying to learn and heal from this experience.
One thing I would like to mention was I did call off this relationship 2 years ago but she come back and kept crying and convincing me daily that she did nothing wrong. The other guys were just friends and she wanted to meet people and I was acting too controlling. It was emotionally wrenching for me and I sincerely thought I should give a second chance and make it work. I repent my decision then as I should have stayed my ground.

I am so sorry to hear to went and are going through this.
Yes, you deserve better and need to distance yourself from her and the feelings. Please keep a do not contact approach as it will allow for the swiftest healing.
What she did was wrong and simply take it that it was not meant to be with you. Certainly find a way to grieve this but you must move past it.
Find things that make you happy and do them. Find your inner true self again.
I pray for the speed in healing and moving past.
Keep in touch here if that helps.

I don’t know her or her side or you either but here is what I understood may be the issue since I know someone like her. You claim to be an introvert and she sounds like an extrovert. I think you were both doomed from the start. I know a girl like that. She has a boundless amount of enery and friends both male and female. However she is always attracted to guys who are always the opposite or too much like her. Yes opposites attract but it does not mean it will always work. Nor are extroverts always cheating. Sometimes they want to be with someone who is a bit more calming but they can’t contain their need to be out and social. But it usually doesn’t work out. If you both have a hard time sharing the same friends than it will eventually be something that gets in the way of your relationship.
Sorry you wasted 5 years but maybe its not a total waste if you learn something from it and realize you may need someone who is a bit more like yourself. Not completely because that can backfire as well. But someone who can understand you and help you come out of your shell a little.

You ask how she can be so cold hearted?
Because she’s always been emotionally in several places instead of invested in only you. One of the reasons she may have stayed with you instead of leaving for someone else is that she enjoyed the stability of you, be it emotional, financial or both. If she was friends with your friends, happy with your family and you with hers then the thought of leaving you could have been too hard a concept to face whereas cheating is easier because it can be covered up or denied. Leaving is final, it’s head on and some people don’t have the fortitude/respect to face a partner and get it over with.

Move on, let yourself hurt for your lost time and the love you thought the two of shared. There’s more than just one right person for you in this life but you won’t see them and they won’t see you if you’re emotionally rolled up in a go-nowhere relationship. There’s a saying that goes, “give up to win”. I never understood it fully until I left someone after 7 years but win I did, in time. You will too but forgive yourself for what efforts you made because they weren’t for nothing, just not on a worthy person.

Continue not contacting her like others have said, if you want to let the anger out in a creative way I would suggest:
1. printing a picture of her
2. eat something that makes you have loose stools
3. place picture in toliet
4. shit on her like she shit on you
5. ???
6. Profit! Move on, and pick someone better than her (since it’s obviously out there)

Hang tough. She is not good for you. She has not brought you real happiness, and why don’t you deserve happiness? Let her find someone else. You will find someone else, too. Hopefully, the next girlfriend will be a more loving choice for you. But, it won’t be easy—but from what you said about breaking up a couple of years ago, you can do it. Just don’t take her back this next time. She is not the one.

@jlelandg waste of ink in my opinion.

I forgot something in my previous post:
BITCH!

I know that everyone is taking it out on the girl, and that is natural –I, too, think she behave in a very nasty way. But, I have learned in life that a lot of things happen because we let them happen or somehow we cause them to happen, and it is very hard to accept that we could have done better and that many times what happens to us is the direct consequence of our actions or lack thereof. I’m in no way saying this is @relhelp‘s case, I am just saying that before we focus on the other person and constantly try to put the blame onto others, we need to look inside ourselves and try to recognize what we did wrong that resulted in such a misfortune. It is easier to look into the other person’s faults than to face our own. But since we need to deal with ourselves for the rest of our lives and hopefully the person that did us wrong is out of our lives for good, never to cross our path again, it is wiser and more practical to focus in ourselves.
In time, I have learned to do just that, to focus on me, on what I did wrong, on what I could have done better to prevent or foresee the outcome of certain situations, and to center all my energy on getting better and moving on. As with a lot of other things in my life, I have learned to condition myself to direct my thoughts and behavior to my own benefit, and not waste my time dwelling on stuff. Time spent blaming it on the other person and trying to figure out why he is like this or like that, is time taken away from my own recovery, and that I’m never willing to delay.

Well,
Advice…
Do your best to move on. It’s gonna hurt, but that’s life. Five years is a long time to be with someone. And it’s gonna be reallly hard to get over, but dreams fall apart sometimes. You wake up and evereything is different…
It sounds to me like she was unfaithful, anyways… She doesn’t deserve you, if that’s the case.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t contact her. Do your best to smile, even when you don’t want to. Keep your head up. It’ll be alright.
Sorry if my advice isn’t the best. I tried…
Good luck to you.

Sincerely,
Ash-Leigh.

Girls like that should not deserve a guy like you.
You did everything that I wish a guy had done for me, you deserve someone way, way better than her.