Social Question

Paul's avatar

What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Asked by Paul (2717points) July 24th, 2011
24 responses
“Great Question” (2points)

I’m in a laughing mood and could do with some of your very best jokes, situational/current or not.

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ragingloli's avatar

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

zenvelo's avatar

Judge: “I’m sorry Mickey, but you can’t divorce Minnie because she’s crazy.”

Mickey: “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

Coloma's avatar

Oh jeez..well, I’m on limited time here, going to work soon, so, I’ll share a little one that I have always liked.

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

Most of the time you get an Onion with floppy ears,


every once in awhile you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye! ;-)

gailcalled's avatar

For today’s amusing tidbit, read the reviews of Palin’s documentary, “The Undefeated,” on Rotten Tomatoes. (One example: “Triumph of the Shrill.”)

starsofeight's avatar

A lumberjack was confused about his identity, and so he went out into the world looking to find himself.

He found himself, one day, in Alaska. The Inuits impressed him, so he asked a young brave if he could join their tribe. The young man set up a meeting with the tribal elders.

The traveling lumberjack stood before a table set up on the frozen tundra. Three wrinkled old men sat there. They questioned the young man for the purity of his intent, and could find no objection to his becoming an Inuit.

They told him he would have to complete the rite of passage every young Inuit brave was expected to overcome. It came in three parts – (1) drink a gallon of whale blubber whiskey, (2) journey into the mountains, kill a polar bear and return with its head, (3) sleep with the town whore. If he survived all three tests, he would become an Inuit.

The next morning came his first test: a gallon of whale blubber whiskey sat on the table. He drank the whiskey and survived. The Elders pointed to the mountains, and the lumberjack staggered off into the distance. When the elders could no longer see him, they retired for the day.

They came and sat at the table everyday watching for him, and were set to give up on the fifth day – when they spied a spot on the horizon. The spot staggered toward them. The young man was bloody, and his clothes were horribly ripped. The elders could see a great battle had taken place – but sadly, the young man had forgotten to bring back the head. They would have to disappoint his desires.

The lumberjack staggered up to the elders, still drunk on the whale blubber whiskey. He looked each elder in the eye, took a deep breath and asked: “Now, where’s this whore you want me to kill?”

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

A wealthy woman is hosting a dinner party that night. She goes for a walk in her woods earlier in the day and discovers a patch of mushrooms. She decides to pick them and have them served as part of the meal. When they are given to the cook, they feed one to the dog, just to make sure that they aren’t poisonous. The dog gobbles it up and appears fine several hours later.

During the dinner, the lady tells her guests the story behind the mushrooms they are eating. A short time later, the butler glides into the room and whispers to the woman that her dog is dead. The guests overhear the comment and rush to the emergency room to have their stomachs pumped. While the woman sits at the table weeping, the butler reappears. “Madam, the truck driver is here and would like to talk to you.” “What truck driver?” she asks. “Madam, it is the man that ran over your dog.”

bubba3778's avatar

Why was the apple sad?.....Because the banana split!

I found this to be hilarious the first time I heard it, but it may also be because the person telling the joke could not stop laughing. It eventually got to the point where he started crying and had to leave for the bathroom. What a day. haha

Porifera's avatar

At the pharmacy..

Little girl: Can I have a box of condoms please?
Clerk: Whaat? Is this for your dad?
Little girl: Oh no! It’s for me, I have way too many dolls…

This is not the funniest I’ve heard but it made for good conversation this morning at breakfast. It was my mom’s joke of the day (for which she is famous).

blueberry_kid's avatar

Some blonde jokes are really lame, but this one is hilarious:

There was a red head, a brunnett and a blonde all stuck on a pier above the ocean. They each had one wish to get off the pier to get home.

The red head wished that she was a yacht and jumped off, and turned into a yacht.
The brunnet wished she was a dolphin, jumped off and turned into a dolphin and swam.
The blonde jumped off the pier, hit her foot on a rock and yelled “crap” and turned into crap.

Funny stuff man.

blueberry_kid's avatar

One more blonde joke!!!

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

King_Pariah's avatar

An Irishman walks out of a bar. okay so not the funniest I’ve heard but it’s been awhile since I’ve heard it…

Okay (no offense intended here), so what color confuses gay people?


Are you confused?

ragingloli's avatar

It would be funnier if you stopped that joke right after “I think-”

Paul's avatar

@ragingloli, that was @blueberry_kid and not @King_Pariah, just to point out.

Vincentt's avatar

It’s black, and when it falls out of a tree, your furnace is broken. What am I thinking of?

Your-wait for it…

Your furnace! ahem

King_Pariah's avatar

@Paul @ragingloli I was about to say wtf? what “I think”?

15barcam's avatar

Another blonde joke :) sry blondes I luv u!

So one day a blonde walks into a doctors office listening to her ipod all “cool” like. She says to the doctor, “Doc, I have an ear ache. Will you please check it out?”
The doctor says “sure could u take out your ear buds for me so I can take a look?”
The blonde says “no! If I take my ear buds out I’ll DIE!”
The doctor says ” stop being so dramatic!” and ripped the ear buds out of her ears.
One minute later the girl died. The doctor was confused and picked up the ear buds and listened to them to see why they were so important.

They were saying… “breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out”

Coloma's avatar


Hahaha…I’m a blonde and I LOVE blonde jokes…I’m the perfect blonde though, mostly very bright but enough zaniness to be able to laugh at myself.

The last time I went camping I joked about the blonde proof dumpsters..shit, the bears could get into them easier than I could. lol

King_Pariah's avatar

How do you kill a blonde and get off scotch free?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

ragingloli's avatar

What goes through a blonde’s head when she has an accident?
The crash barrier.

Vincentt's avatar

So @Paul walks into the doctor’s office, but there’s a frog growing out of his head. So the doctor asks “wow, how did this happen?!” To which the frog replied: “well, it all started with a wart on my ass…”

King_Pariah's avatar

@Vincentt Haha, a frog with a smurf growing out of its ass, lol

Vincentt's avatar

@Paul Heh, no offense, the joke just need a victim, and as OP, you were the logical candidate :)

Coloma's avatar

A man once hosted a costume theme party with the theme being ” come dressed as an emotion.”

The night of the party guests began to arrive and there was a knock on the door.

The host opened the door to see a man dressed all in red.

” And what emotion are you?” he asked the guest, who replied ” I am red with rage.”

“Come on in” said the host.

The next guest arrived and the host opened the door to see a man dressed all in green.

” And what emotion are you? ” he asked.

” I am green with envy” he replied, and the host said ” come on in!”

The next knock on the door was answered and the host saw a naked man standing there wearing nothing but a pear on the end of his penis.

“And what are YOU?” said the host, looking bewildered.

” I am fucking DIS-PAIR” said the man. lol

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