I’m really ashamed to say I knew my relationship was over half way through it but I kept staying and kept trying for way way WAY too long. /:
Looking back on it there was a handful of things that happened that started putting the nails in the coffin. But a month or so after we moved into our apartment with his best friend I found this video of one of my really close friends playing a few of his songs with his band. The chorus of the song is “Am I happy? No. Am I settled? Yes. ... And all the while I was sailing away from here.” And I knew in my gut that was me. Shortly after that I was catching up with that same friend. And he just asks me “Are you happy?” And I couldn’t say yes. I started making excuses about why my boyfriend would be treating me so badly all the time. I knew it wouldn’t last then. But I tried to start addressing our issues for months after that.
But I really knew it was just never going to work about 6 months into our 13 month lease. Things had been progressively going down hill. And I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but one day I realized I had given up trying to make it work out. And then I felt trapped and obligated to stay because I was paying a third of the bills. I was a fucking coward until I couldn’t be any longer. He’d come home and be happy to see me and I would chicken out after spending the better parts of my days figuring out how to tell him. I told him everything after months of just not caring enough to address any of our issues because we were moving out and he kept talking about us looking at apartments and I was like I’m going to live with my sister and I can’t do this anymore.
But we were sort of still together even after we moved for a few weeks. And nothing felt right. And I ended it for real. Then I rushed back into a relationship with him a few months later. I’d only intended to just apologize and try to clear the air between us. Then it turned into all these promises that he was different and I was different and blah blah blah. We weren’t different. And 5 or 6 months of that, and then I left him for good.
I don’t even recognize the person I was in that relationship.