Food is hard for me to resist. I love the way foods taste. Making good tasting food is one of the greatest pleasures in life, for me. I am sad to say that I do not resist temptation, and as a result, am about fifty pounds overweight.
Love has also been hard to resist. But that was when I didn’t feel loved. When I felt lonely and ugly and unlovable and unworthy of living, I sought out love all over the place. I would not say no to it, except somehow, it always seemed to dissipate after a month, so I think I was probably destroying it as soon as I found it.
When I feel loved, then I don’t seek out new love. A lot of feeling loved has to do with me, and my ability, or lack of ability to see I am loved. Sometimes, I just can’t accept that I am lovable. Sometimes, it just seems that it is impossible that I am lovable. I feel like a sick and horrible, hurtful person who doesn’t deserve to live. That’s the essence of depression. Meds help with that, as well as therapy.
So resisting the temptation of love is hard, because it feels like it can save my life. Succumbing to a new love makes me feel good, but it also makes me beat myself up for doing something bad. It’s a double-edged sword. Meds and therapy take years to have an effect, and meanwhile, I could be getting into lots of trouble. But I’ve decided not to beat myself up for the things I did. That’ll only bring back the depression. I did what I did out of desperation. Hopefully, there won’t be a next time, because I prevent myself from getting depressed again. And if there is…. well… I can’t make any promises. If I lose control, then beating myself up for losing control only makes it worse. It’s kind of counterintuitive.