@Mama_Cakes It is very common for people to take things into their own hands. Even knowing that quitting anti-depressants cold turkey can have all kinds of unfortunate side effects, people still do it.
It can be very hard for people to take care of themselves. The most common reason why people stop taking meds is that they don’t like the side effects. What reasons did you have for quitting? And why were you unable to catch up with a therapist? I know one reason why people don’t do that is that it is too overwhelming to find someone. I know I never would have on my own. My wife helped me immensely. Do you know why you didn’t find a therapist?
It’s easy to say I’ll take my meds and see a therapist, but there are times when it is impossible to do. Depression makes it very hard to organize your life. So sometimes you really need the help of someone else who can help you get organized or help you make appointments, or remind you to take your meds.
Also, depression, oddly enough, can be seductive. It can makes us feel like life is very intense and dark and we are close to death. Everything matters. We are close to the edge. And even though we are out of control, it can still seem preferable to being stable and happy, sometimes. This is a paradoxical thought, and yet many people I know who have suffered with depression say it has been something they struggled with.
I think of it as looking for trouble. I find myself looking for trouble often, and I struggle with that. Most people disapprove of trouble and the things you do when you find it. And yet, sometimes those things make you feel better about yourself and help you out of depression. And not in a zombie kind of way, but in a more livable way, where you don’t regret the things you miss because you are bitched out on meds.
Well, I’m a certified loonie, so I don’t think the doctors would necessarily agree with me. You should take their advice. If you must find trouble, then at least learn how to handle it while you are relatively stable. Then, over the years, you can come off the meds when you have learned other coping skills. Like how to let trouble into your life in doses that you can handle. Like meditation and yoga and dance. Like love. Dangerous thing: love. It can be destabilizing and breaking up can send you into depression just like that. But it can also be very healing—especially if you find a way of maintaining it.