Truth is objective; if our reaction to a truth is unpleasant, then it is on us to figure out why this fact surprises and upsets us, and what difference it makes in our lives. Why did I not already know this or see it coming? Why was I in denial? What does this change? We go through our days with our concepts of how things are. If we suddenly find out that things are not what we believed them to be, then it is similar to handling a death – we have to let go of those past beliefs and then reassess and rebuild our lives and our futures based on this new information… very much like grieving.
In my own experience, I was abused psychologically and sexually by a family member during my childhood, and my parents did not intervene. My adolescence and early adulthood were haunted by the “what-ifs” and “should-haves” and “if-onlys”. Eventually, I realized that all that wishful thinking for having a normal childhood could never make it so—nothing and no one could rescue me. I had to let go and grieve for the childhood that was taken from me. I had to accept that I would never feel loved by my parents, and that I had not treated myself as lovable, either. I had to forgive my parents for their ignorance, forgive my perpetrator for his selfishness and refusal to accept responsibility for his actions, and to forgive myself for allowing the victim mindset to consume me for so long, resulting in many poor decisions for which the consequences continue.
The fucked-up past is what it is and cannot be changed. I had to accept that I was here on this day at this time with this history behind me; and then to choose who I want to be as an adult, and what direction I want my future to take. I had to accept that I can not change the minds or actions of others – their denial protects them from the guilt which they simply could not bear, if they ever could comprehend the damage that was done. I can not change the past for my own child, who now bears the burden of mistakes I made before I had my own epiphany. I can not control him or his thoughts, feelings, or choices. I must bear my own guilt for the damage that was done, and I have apologized to him and we do talk openly about everything. This is my truth. I must do all I can on this day and at this time to live my life for this moment and so I will not look back on it with regret.
Being consistently open, honest, and realistic is the best way I have found to prevent the moments when one has a painful awakening to life’s harsh truths. I see other people withhold information information or even lie to others for the sake of their “protection”, but the truth seems to ultimately find its way, and it seems much more difficult to handle when it has been covered by deceit. I believe it is more loving and respectful of others to provide full disclosure and allow them to make their own decisions based on truth.