It’s always incumbent on trans people to protect cis people’s egos. They can be so fragile sometimes.~

No. If I haven’t noticed yet, it clearly doesn’t make a difference.

I can’t say, because it all depends on what I was expecting from the relationship. For example, if I was expecting children, that would be a problem. I’m not prepared to say what I would do. All I know is that it turned out I couldn’t have children the natural way, and I would not have blamed my wife a bit if she left me to find someone who could give her children. She chose to stay with me. Probably an instance of loyalty over wisdom, but it worked out for me.

If it turned out that the woman I loved was a man, I would be disappointed for sure. But then, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered because neither of us could have children the normal way. So we might decide to adopt. Or, I might have wanted to find a way to have genetic children. But maybe she would have let us use a donor egg and gestational mom.

Then again, maybe it wouldn’t work out.

And I’m sure there are a host of other expectations people have that would be impacted by this unexpected bit of knowledge. I carry the genes for cystic fibrosis and mental illness. Would my partner leave me when they found this out… when I found out? It’s happened before. Many, many people won’t stay with someone if they are mentally ill.

So I don’t trust glib answers here. There are too many implications that we cannot anticipate. People may work through them or not. It’s really not much different from any other relationship where both are genders they believe themselves to be. You see what happens as you go along. But if you love someone, you usually make a big effort to work it through. One big thing is generally not enough to knock you apart.

No! I wouldn’t even use the argument “yes because they lied to me” – that’s a super personal detail, I don’t expect him to come out with it right away. He could tell me when he’s comfortable.

Nah, if I found out my guy was born a lady, that’d be okay. Honestly, I kinda think I would feel a little more secure to learn that he had some “baggage” – he’s dealt with a lot of mine already, and I haven’t gotten the chance to reciprocate.

In all seriousness, this question is inviting transmisogyny and its defense. The hatred/rejection/fear of trans women simply because they are trans women. Currently, there is no medical technology that will render a female assigned body completely ‘undetectable,’ so this situation could not occur with a trans man. I will never have any choice but to tell people I am interested in/involved with that I am trans (and I have already faced a lot of rejection for this), but some trans women may choose to consider this part of their medical history and past, not something that affects them in the present, and that is very much their right.

I’m sure it has occurred with intersex people of different genders, though. Some people might not even know they are intersex. The only way to know for sure is to have a chromosome test.

@wundayatta: ‘both are genders they believe themselves to be.’ Those poor deluded trans people, who believe they are some other gender from what they ”actually” are. What makes your belief in your gender more valid than that of a trans person? Only the system that tells us that tiny infant genitals at birth=gender=sexual orientation, which is sexism at its base.

@bookish1 Any question about transsexuality invites a variety of transphobic responses. But without asking the questions and having the (perhaps awkward) conversations that follow, we’ll never move past that problem. Also, isn’t there a difference between rendering a transition undetectable and it merely being something that a lover wouldn’t notice?

I guess that’s my take on the question: I know what my wife’s body and mind are like, and I am happy with them. It would not make a whit of difference if tomorrow I discovered that her DNA was not what I thought it was or that she had once been considered a man. My heterosexuality is a matter of being attracted to people that I register as female. It is not a matter of historical or biological minutiae.

It’s also not that important. If I find myself attracted to a man for the first time in my life tomorrow, so be it.

Nope. If I haven’t noticed anything different about him in 13 years, then what would be the point in freaking out?

I’ve had no experience in this, but I would think at the least it would create the need for an entirely different kind of relationship.

Do I want/expect to have children with them? That would make a difference.

Absolutely not. And, as my significant other and I have already confronted, a variant gender identity to what we initially expected is also not cause to leave.

No. I don’t take up with someone for their chromosomes. Even if I hoped to have children, which at my age I have no intention of doing, I’d not leave a woman if she proved to be infertile, no matter whether that was due to her having been born with XY chromosomes or some other cause. I’d just discuss adoption with her.

I am trans and I’m scared to death to transition because of shallow bullshit like this. Grow up and realize the person you’re with is the person you’re with. I prayed to wake up with a penis until I was 15 and realized God is either dead, an asshole or never existed. Do you know what it’s like to be aware of your gender 24/7 when you HATE the body you’re in because it all wrong?! Do you know what it’s like to have to use a public restroom and be told you’re in the wrong one? You’re lucky this person didn’t commit suicide because of their difference. You’re an ass for even considering the notion of leaving for that reason. Either you love this person or do this person a huge favor and get out of their life because they deserve better than this shallow crap. Thanks for pissing me off today.

@spykenij You’re acting like someone on this thread said that they’ve done this. It was my understanding that this was simply a hypothetical question. You just totally went off for no reason. Take a fucking chill pill.

@bookish1 There’s the gender of your DNA, and the gender you believe yourself to be. Just because the two don’t match doesn’t mean you are deluded, as you should well know.

I’m not your enemy, and you can’t make me into one.

The woman I love would still be who she is. The only difference would have been her inability to have children, which was very important to me when we married. Maybe adopting would have been acceptable, but I doubt anyone can really answer this question without having been put in this position.

@WillWorkForChocolate – I saw nothing stating this was hypothetical. Also, very easy for you to say. Walk in my shoes and see if you’re response would have been different.

@spykenij I think what @WillWorkForChocolate is saying is that the OP has made no indication that he himself is facing this situation, whereas your response reads as if you think @Self_Consuming_Cannibal has recently left or considered leaving a significant other because of transsexuality. I’m not saying you have no right to be angry in general over the fact that such things do happen, but it is surely worth clarifying that the question itself is not about any specific incident.

@spykenij The OP used the words “if” and “would.” He did not say he was, or had ever been, in this situation. You need to make sure you understand the context before you flip the hell out, call someone an ass, and accuse them of possibly driving someone to suicide.

@WillWorkForChocolate – I didn’t accuse anyone of possible driving someone to suicide. I was talking about being grateful they even met this person because many don’t make it that long. We both assumed, so just drop it.

@spykenij First of all I don’t think that asking a hypothetical question on a public Q&A site is in any way, shape or form, “bullshit” as you so elloquently put it. Second of all, no I don’t know what it’s like to feel like I’m in the wrong body. Third of all as far as pissing you off, you are quite welcome.

I have a feeling, it’s quite an easy task to piss you off. Perhaps you should cut back on the caffeine or get some anger managent counseling.

@WillWorkForChocolate This was a hypothetical question. I’m glad you picked up on it. @spykenij is getting pissed off because I didn’t put a “this is a hypothetical question” disclaimer on this, but what this person failed to realize is, I figured most people would get it.