It starts with a recognition of the primacy of emotion in determining how one approaches life. We like to think of ourselves as rational creatures, guided primarily by reason, with emotion serving to add a bit of color to this otherwise black and white rational tableau.
The evidence indicates that this view is backwards. Where the emotional colors lie will determine where the black and white lines are drawn. We start with feeling, and then recruit reason to construct a satisfying justification for acting in accordance with our feeling. Failure to recognize this just forces the feeling further undercover where it continues to operate on a subconscious level, setting the agenda out of view of the conscious mind.
EI involves letting this process operate in the light of day. recognizing and owning one’s feelings, and seeing (to the extent possible) how they set the agenda. Seeing this in oneself makes it possible to see it in others. You then understand why reason can be so ineffectual in trying to influence others. You have to begin by seeing their emotional landscape, which will clarify their rational scheme. Connections have to first be made on this emotional level.
When you bring your own feelings out into the light and become familiar with all of their nuance, this gives you an emotional “vocabulary” with which you can understand the complexities of others’ feelings. If you’re aware only that you are “happy”, “sad” or “angry”, that’s better than not being emotionally aware at all, but it’s not a very nuanced emotional vocabulary; you will be unable to see beyond that basic level into the feelings of others.