Most people think that the phrase “Time heals all wounds” is automatically true.
Obviously not, as you can attest. It depends upon what a person does with that time.
If it’s basically used to repress, then one discovers that repression actively interferes with healing.
Obviously, while you were on duty, repression served a very valuable purpose because it allowed you to continue being of help to others rather than falling apart and being unable to function.
The horrors you witnessed cannot help effect someone on a very deep emotional level.
But you can’t continue to repress that emotion forever. Something has to give.
A really good Psychiatrist explained it like this: repression takes an enormous amount of energy because we are going against what we as feeling human beings are designed to do (which is to feel and to care). In times of necessity it can be done.
In our youth we have seemingly boundless energy. But, the older we get, the less energy we have (generally speaking) and this is when repression stops working so well.
So, whenever you are exposed to triggers, those emotions just come rushing back in. And that’s entirely normal. We are designed to feel deeply about significant things.
You never really allowed yourself to mourn all the loss which surrounded you. It doesn’t really matter that these people were not your closest friends. They were fellow humans (and VERY young ones at that) who were suffering huge losses. Some lost their lives, others were physically wounded and their lives altered forever. All, without exception (including you) lost the innocence of their youth in the most brutal shocking way imaginable.
War is so horrible like that. It changes everyone and there is a whole lot to mourn for.
Perhaps it might be helpful for you to find a local Veterans group and be around others who have been through the same thing as you.
Allow yourself to mourn. It’s long overdue. And doubtless, it will feel much worse for awhile. But then gradually as you process it, you’ll begin to feel a little bit better and it won’t be due just to repression. It will be genuine and you will grow from it.