I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
My Mother committed suicide and it took a long long time before I was functioning in some way resembling normal.
There is one thing you should know, and it was a really good Psychiatrist who told me this even tho I didn’t understand it at the time.
He said that death is usually always a shock, especially when sudden and unexpected but suicide is in a category all by itself because it involves the will.
And most of the other people I spoke to who had the same experience confirmed that.
When you feel up to it, I would strongly recommend looking for a local group specifically for those who’ve experienced the suicide of a loved one.
You can check under SOS (Survivors of Suicide) because it’s a national network.
One thing that I especially appreciated was that there is zero pressure to participate. You can just go and sit and listen for as long as you want to. I found that a relief.
And hearing about others experiences, in time, helped with the one thing that is part of the legacy that a completed suicide leaves for those who love him; namely, guilt.
It’s not logical at all because it was his decision but I guarantee you that every single person whom a suicide leaves behind feels guilt at not preventing it.
As I said, it makes no logical sense. But it just is. You can’t spend a lifetime carrying that around because it’s not deserved. Please go to an SOS group because I guarantee you that as understanding as others may try to be, if they haven’t been through it, they just don’t have a clue. You will eventually feel isolated and that’s not good for you.