I agree with @Seek and @ibstubro; if I find someone negative or difficult I don’t want them to take up space in my life even when they are around, much less when they’re not.
The biggest issue I’ve had was largely accidental. In person, I’ve been incredibly open with my friends, often about things many people keep to themselves. I cringe at OVERsharing (Don’t bring up childhood sexual abuse at a birthday party!), but in an intimate conversation over a glass or two of wine? Sure, I’ll share my story if it’s relevant.
Because I’m open, friends are often open with me, too. And because I’m not secretive, I have at times failed to understand that my friend’s story was meant to be a secret.
For example, in the course of a conversation that had gone from rape experiences, through sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace, to breakups big and small, a friend told me some some awful details about her ongoing split from her husband. They were already at the point of mediation with divorce lawyers. She was looking for a financially feasible apartment to move to in our area of Brooklyn. The next day a mutual friend asked me how she was doing and I said, “She’s strong and I know she’s going to be okay, but this split from her husband is super stressful.” I didn’t share details. I thought the breakup itself was common knowledge.
I was mortified when I realized the mutual friend hadn’t known. I learned later that she was keeping it secret until she found a place and moved out. Had I gossiped? I hadn’t meant to. I thought I had her back, pointing out how well she was doing under the circumstances. But was what I said wrong? Definitely. It was a new twist on a lesson I’d thought I’d learned in my twenties. Something to watch out for, when people who aren’t present are brought up.