You’ve actually described both the problem and the solution when you wrote : “alcohol removes the barrier that keeps me from expressing it.”
Alcohol is a disinhibitor and you recognize that. As someone already pointed out, NOT dealing with these issues will not make them magically disappear.
You’re asking how can you get back to the good times where you can drink socially without the backlog of repressed emotions bubbling up to the surface.
In essence you’re asking how to be able to repress everything better so that even alcohol won’t loosen your grip on keeping the lid on tight.
Unfortunately that’s the wrong question. Repression solves nothing. It merely enables one to TEMPORARILY cope and keep on functioning without going off the deep end.
But sooner or later it has to be expressed or it will just keep manifesting in one way or another whether it’s crying jags, irrational anger or long term and serious somatic illness.
I really don’t think you’d prefer that last choice so don’t keep bottling this poison up. It will eventually kill you sooner or later.
Trust me. I won my shrinks gold star award for being “the most skillfully repressed person” he’d ever seen in 25 years of practice. That is really not an award that anyone in their right mind wants to win. But, at the time it was the only coping skill I had. But, as he explained it, Repression takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain. The older one gets, that energy level begins to diminish and keeping that lid firmly in place gets harder and harder.
Right now that’s where you’re at also. You think that you want suggestions on how to keep that lid on more tightly. But your subconscious mind is screaming at you that you can’t keep doing that and the only time it can get through is after a few drinks.
You need to start paying some serious attention to that and not just go back to “business as usual”
You think you can just let everything wait until you’re in a better place financially and can afford a highly trained $400 an hour therapist because anything less is pedestrian.
You need to get out of that stupid high priced NY state of mind. Truth be told, the best and most expensive therapists are highly trained in the arts of 1.) knowing when to shut up and 2.) non judgemental listening.
And believe it or not there are tons of people who’ve learned the exact same things by going through the same life shattering experiences as you’ve described.
So, you ask, where do I find these people? They’re all around you every day but you just don’t know it.
They can be found by going to any one of a number of self help groups for which you abundantly qualify at no charge to you other than time.
There are groups for those dealing with grief from losing a parent or loved one. (And there is a whole lot of anger toward the deceased mixed in with all the rest so you certainly won’t be out of place.)
There are plenty of groups for survivors of sexual/emotional abuse. And would you like to take a guess at the percentage of women in those groups who were first emotionally abused by their father? Yes, it follows a pattern. That’s what made them vulnerable to being both sexually and emotionally abused later in their lives.
One of your complaints is that you can’t really talk to friends or people your age because they’ve been privileged and unable to identify with your struggles.
Trust me, if you’re in NYC you are surrounded by them. You just don’t know it because they’re just not going to walk up to you on the street and announce themselves publicly. They’re busy meeting in groups of people dealing with the same crap you’ve faced and worse. I know it’s difficult for you to imagine anyone having it worse than what you’ve experienced but, trust me, they are there.
HINT: being privileged or rich provides no shield at all from what you’ve been through (unless your definition means privileged to have a truly loving and supportive set of parents)
But having terrific parents has nothing to do with NYC or any other location so I take it you meant rich or well off. Again, no shield.
So, you can choose to keep trying to repress all this shit until something gives out (either your sanity or your health ) while you’re waiting until you can afford that magical highly qualified expensive therapist or you can go and find others like yourself and start talking until you’re all talked out, which could take a few years.
Believe me, you will find some highly qualified people in these groups ; qualified by virtue of experience. And all it will cost you is an investment of some time.
If you, in addition, can find some pro Bono or sliding scale fee therapy, then do that also. But you are in desperate straits, whether you recognize it or not, and even a beginner might prove to be tremendously helpful. But you really do need to reevaluate your point of view on who is qualified to help you and why.
I’ve only mentioned two possibilities of groups which you might find helpful but you are in the world’s largest city so you never know what else is out there until you look.
Please do something now before it gets worse for you. Your subconscious is letting you know that it won’t settle for being kept all bottled up forever. You really don’t have the luxury of time to wait until you can see YOUR IDEAL of the perfect therapist. There are all sorts of perfectly qualified people who can be of enormous help to you RIGHT NOW..Go and find a few.
And as @Seek mentioned, when you are feeling low , don’t drink. Perhaps even consider suspending drinking until you’re in a better place emotionally and psychologically. It’s up to you.