@Dutchess_III “could you clarify this for me: ” I’d suggest the manner of your answer is actually much more important than the original passive aggressive question.””
Expectant/Dependent.
The person who made the original accusation, disguised as a passive aggressive question, is expecting an answer which inflates the issue into a defensive argument. Their self proclaimed authority on the matter depends upon your answer inflating the offense further.
By answering instead with patient empathetic kindness, their authority to speak on the matter is taken away. The dependent crumbles, and thereby serves to alter future expectant statements designed to start an argument.
If this person experienced enough patient empathetic responses that don’t feed into their intentions, then they will gradually change over time… and grow up and out of it. That’s why the manner of the response is important. It can change the world for the better by teaching hostile angry people to chill out.
I’m currently (not always have been) but currently of the mindset that instead of being shocked and offended by the actions of another (which is what they want), that giving them a show of empathy can go a long way towards teaching them how to be a different kind of person that isn’t so confrontational.
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It’s kind of related to a relationship I had with a certain annoying person in my life a few years ago. I avoided them at all cost because their personality just rubbed me the wrong way every time. Made me sick to be around them. And the more I avoided them, the more they pursued me. It’s like they fed off of me in that way.
I decided one day to stomach the notion of giving that person my full attention, and offering them the quality time they so desperately seemed to want from me. Magically, the person became more relaxed and easy to get along with. Then they lost interest and went on to annoy others, never bothering me again. The person simply didn’t want to get along. They needed to start conflict in order to feel noticed. I just let them know with my actions that they couldn’t annoy me, and were pleasant to be around. Then I watched as they vanished out of my life without any pushing from me.